Faithful Sexuality - Gary L. Grafwallner

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whether being married was a help or a hindrance to my ministry. I told him for me it has been a great help. He was impressed by the comments I made about my wife. He, in turn, shared how he had fallen in love twice but had chosen not to marry or renounce his priestly vows. He said, “I feel like the hereafter is more important in my choice than the present.” I asked him to explain and he replied, “Marriage is for this life and the here and now. I have chosen for eternity. In heaven there will be no such thing as marriage. Sometimes the grass looks greener if you are married. I still get periodic cases of feeling horny but they pass.”

      As we were driving in his car, Tim noticed a couple of very attractive women. He said, “Beautiful hair and curves. I like to think of it as an appreciation of the aesthetic.” I chuckled and he said, “What do you think, Gary?” I replied, “For me that would be a rationalization.” He smiled and said, “It does help me to get by. Looking doesn’t have to be lusting.” We both laughed.

      Bob, Kate, and Susan have embraced the gift of celibacy. Bob is a Roman Catholic priest who serves a congregation. Kate, a nun, serves the larger church in spirituality. Susan, a nun, works in peace and justice ministries. Bob, while never marrying, knows a great deal about family systems, marriage, and teens. He is an excellent counselor. He enjoys cooking, skiing, and a good party. Kate listens to God and helps people discern God’s leading. She is one of the most holy, human, transparent, joy-filled people I know. She enjoys music and theater. Susan has worked with refugees, migrants, and native peoples while also being active in education and advocacy work for Christian nonviolence. She enjoys travel, dance, and ethnic music. Kate and Bob have said they would enjoy being parents and grandparents.

      God is the first love of Bob, Kate, and Susan. Their lives, energy, and ministry flow from their relationship with God. Make no mistake. They struggle with pride and loneliness. They get their feelings hurt. They wrestle with how to redirect their sexual drives. Sometimes it is particularly difficult to not be able to give their bodies and themselves to another person. They frequently work too hard and their lives get out of balance. At times they struggle with self-doubt. Nevertheless, you cannot be with them for a short period of time before you sense their deep walk with God. They have made me realize that celibacy is both a gift and a choice. It is sort of like fasting from having genital relations for the sake of their ministries, knowing they do this with others and are not alone. The Holy One is their food and drink. They live with a sense of detachment and are free to give, serve, and even relocate in ways that those of us who are married or who parent children are often unable or unwilling to do.

      Questions for Reflection

      • Have you ever considered that some people’s singleness or your own may not be a burden to discard but an asset to be embraced and a gift to be capitalized upon?

      Prayer

      • Spirit of God, thank you for those whose grace gift is celibacy and the freedom which permits them to serve God in some special ways. Amen.

      Lips Are Made for the Sport of It

      I was picking up my wife from a bridal shower and arrived early. Not all the presents had been opened, so I got to see some of the serious ones as well as the light-hearted ones. The bride-to-be opened one that contained a jar of flavored body lotion. On the first night of her honeymoon or some other night when she was feeling especially amorous, evidently she was to rub her body with this stuff and then in the heat of passion her partner was supposed to lick it off. To me it sounded like it would make the bed sticky, but then who knows? Everyone laughed and she blushed as the gift’s use was explained.

      Do you remember your first kiss as a teen? Some of you may have practiced on a friend, or sibling, or doll before the real event. Or you may have stood in front of a bedroom mirror and puckered up your lips, half open, held your breath, and slowly exhaled through your nostrils. My first kiss was with a girl following a school dance. It was awkward and I felt self-conscious. I think I recall feigning excitement, but I was unsure of myself and my feelings for the girl I kissed. Early in my life there had been all kinds of kisses: kisses of welcome, kisses of comfort after a bad fall from a trike, kisses of endearment, bedtime kisses from my mother, and a variety of kisses from my maternal grandmother, favorite aunts, and one or two older cousins. A romantic kiss is quite different.

      To return to the flavored body lotion—can you imagine what it would be like to have your entire body kissed if you were freshly bathed? How does the thought of your beloved kissing you starting with your toes and moving up your body until they finally reach your neck, ears, lips, and forehead make you feel? Could you lie back and receive that gift as their lips lovingly honored each part of your body? It would certainly make me feel very affirmed. Come to think of it, we do this with babies, but I wonder how many of us experience this as adults?

      Within the early church “the kiss of peace” was practiced between believers during worship. One New Testament letter says, “Greet one another with the kiss of peace.” It apparently was a sign of reconciliation and unity in Christ as well as of friendship. In different congregations I suspect people get into this practice in varying degrees based on the nature of congregational life and also the history of the relationship. Nowadays we call it the “Sharing of the Peace.” It involves the verbal greeting, “The Peace of the Lord be with you,” between pastor and congregation and then between the members. It is often followed by a handshake, hug, or kiss. “The Peace” often is shared between spouses, parents, and children, friends, singles, and marrieds. At congregations where I served, some Sundays people get carried away and newcomers are either put off or drawn in by it. One of the observations the Greco-Roman world made of the early Christians was, “See how they love one another.”

      It’s amazing what we can communicate through a kiss: welcome, playfulness, comfort, reassurance, affection, tenderness, curious exploration, a sensuous invitation, deep passion, fatigue, a farewell. A coworker of mine once said, “Lips are made for the sport of it.” Ah, how true and so much more.

      Questions for Reflection

      • Whose kisses do you yearn for? Have you told them?

      • Who might yearn for your kisses? Have you asked them?

      Prayer

      • Extravagant God, thank you for creating us with lips. No matter what our age or gender, we all need to give and receive kisses. It’s a great way to communicate. Amen.

      Unevenly Yoked or Married to a Non-Christian

      Sarah was baptized as a child but never really nurtured in the church. Her father was an agnostic and her mother was a practical atheist. Consequently, she was pretty much left to spiritually fend for herself. As a child she attended Sunday church school occasionally with her friends. As a teenager, she would attend a church youth group if one of her friends did. Her college years included the typical rebellions. She experimented with alternative lifestyles and ended up living with a group of people. Eventually she married Sam. At that time religion was not important.

      Sam was raised within the Orthodox Church. He was an altar boy but he got turned off as a young teen and left the church. He has never really gone back. He’s not antireligious, just indifferent. His attitude is basically, “If you need it, fine, but I don’t and I won’t.” He jokes about being the black sheep of his family. He had been a good provider, and a faithful husband.

      As a young adult Sarah’s involvement in the church was sporadic. Sarah pretty much went along with her early childhood pattern regarding religion and the church until she had a powerful religious dream in which Jesus spoke to her. That dream became a turning point which marked a conversion in her life. She began to discuss spiritual ideas with friends whom she respected. She started praying and reading devotional books, the Bible, and theology. She had lots of questions and became hungry to know God. She started participating in an evangelical conservative Bible study. Slowly she began to visit various congregations to find something for her children and herself. She has continued to blossom and grow, and, at times, thrive. Currently she is active in a congregation as a follower of Jesus.

      Her husband, however, has not followed her lead. He is the same conscientious, hardworking,

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