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not to discuss it so as not to upset her, but the effect on her was that a bond was broken and she found it harder to trust people from that day on.

      Fixing, whether by withholding like that or by distracting or obscuring with extravagant affection, can deny people the feelings they need to feel and thus obstruct healing. Not only that, but many fixers habitually deny themselves strong feelings.

      When communication is driven by the need to fix, it will lose power and effectiveness because there is a hidden agenda at work – one that is all about the fixer’s needs, even though it may be disguised as love.

      Exercise: Expressing

      Many fixers grew up in reserved families and learned that it is not ok to express, so if you are generally very reserved and avoid strong emotion, a great first step to allowing other people to express strong emotions is to practice doing it yourself. The best access to letting go like this may vary widely from person to person. Some might try watching a few very emotional films and letting themselves have a good cry! More direct and beneficial for others might be to take up a martial art, as long as the teaching emphasises the spiritual aspects of the art and not just the physical: paradoxically, punching things in a spiritual way can put you in touch with the gentler, feeling side of yourself. For yet others, strong experiences like bungee jumping or parachuting or even extreme sports might be very liberating. At the very extreme, there’s primal therapy!

      Try a few tentative steps and see what works for you. This is all about balance: we are not our feelings, and we don’t have to express every emotion to the max – but equally it is not healthy to repress our own strong feelings, or to stop others from having theirs.

      THE 7 DEADLY SINS

      In my fifth TED talk, I listed 7 deadly sins of speaking. Of course, this is an arbitrary list, but since the talk went up on TED.com in 2015 I haven’t had anyone suggest anything major that’s missing, and many people have communicated how useful they find it.

      Again, I want to stress that I am not saying these 7 things are inherently wrong, and to be banned or deplored. Most of them can be useful or enjoyable in moderation, even if as guilty pleasures. However, as with the 4 leeches, I am suggesting that people who habitually (often unconsciously) indulge in any of these traits become harder to listen to, as well as less good at listening.

      People sometimes ask me to explain the relationship between the 4 leeches and the 7 deadly sins. The answer is that the leeches lurk behind and generate all 7 sins – and behind all of the leeches, as we know, is fear.

      Let’s meet the 7 deadly sins.

      GOSSIP

      Non-male loquare absenti amico (Speak no evil of an absent friend).

      - Titus Maccius Plautus, Trinummus IV, c. 190 BC

      My definition of gossip is speaking ill of someone who’s not present. It’s not gossip to praise someone who’s not there, nor is it gossip to criticise someone to their face.

      Gossip is probably the most common form of triangulated communication, which is usually a recipe for trouble. In triangulated communication, person A speaks to person C about an issue he or she has with person B instead of trying to solve the matter directly with person B, thus creating a triangle. Usually person A is seeking validation and/or sympathy. You can hear this going on any day if you sit on a bus or train and listen to the phone conversations around you: in my experience, the vast majority involve gossip in this fashion.

      Gossip is seductive, and so common that we tend to become desensitised to it; it has become normal and acceptable. It’s a multi-million-dollar business too, from the obvious specialists like celebrity magazines, TV shows, blogs and YouTube channels to the subtler instances in many quality media.

      Gossips are superficially popular and it’s tempting to listen in, especially if we’re in a group who are all indulging. Nevertheless, everyone knows that the moment we leave, a gossip is likely to be speaking about us in exactly the same lurid, critical terms that were just being applied to someone else. Gossips are not credible; much of what they say is unsubstantiated and even malicious; often it is twisted or exaggerated for greater effect, producing a ‘Chinese whispers’ effect that amplifies stories whilst insisting that every detail is true.

      Exercise: Gossip abstinence

      If you indulge in gossiping, try abstaining, initially for a short period. It may be that you can commit to do this for a day, or even a week, to start with. Be conscientious: this may involve not reading magazines, watching your usual TV, accessing your favourite blogs or website, and even not seeing certain friends or colleagues or walking away from some conversations. You can usually make an excuse to do so without letting people know what you’re doing – or you could enrol some of your associates in the game and make it easier by holding one another accountable.

      This is non-trivial and may even be impossible for you, but even if you don’t achieve 100 percent abstinence you will give yourself a chance to break the habit and set a new baseline.

      CONDEMNING

      There are no 2 words in the English language more harmful than ‘good job.’

      - Terence Fletcher in Whiplash

      Do you know anyone who habitually condemns or finds fault, for whom nothing is ever good enough, like the monstrous character Terence Fletcher as brilliantly portrayed by JK Simmons in the film Whiplash?

      I feel for anyone who grew up with such a parent – the kind who, when their child scores 95 per cent in a test, demands to know what happened to the other 5. It becomes wearing to be around someone whose listening is always for defects and failure, and whose speaking is endless castigation and condemnation.

      Of course, we must condemn evil. As John Stuart Mill said in 1867: “Bad men need nothing more to compass their ends, than that good men should look on and do nothing.”

      However, like the other 6 sins, this is a habit we can fall into if our default position becomes critical and condemnatory. It pays to check-in and ask the question: am I over-critical? Do I give praise where it’s due? Do I naturally give compliments? When is the last time I praised my family? My team or direct reports at work? My friends?

      If your honest check-in reveals that you tend to be critical rather than encouraging by default, try this exercise.

      Exercise: Praising

      Buy a notebook or use a spreadsheet or notes app. Make a page or sheet for each of the people closest to you – family, friends and workmates could all be included – and then set a routine at the end of each day to log in one column instances when you condemn or criticise them and in another column instances when you praise, encourage or compliment them.

      After a few weeks, your behaviour will change as this feedback reveals the weight of your interactions. You may then wish to set yourself targets for praising until it becomes more and more natural and the condemning habit has been replaced by a more neutral stance where you give praise and criticism when they are appropriate, rather than condemning by rote.

      NEGATIVITY

      Next door to habitual condemnation is constant negativity. I told a true personal story to illustrate this in my TED talk. My mother suffered from dementia in the last years of her life, and this intensified an already somewhat pessimistic outlook. Her world view became entirely negative, even on days when she was completely lucid. I went to visit her in hospital one-day when she was recovering from a small fracture, bringing with me her favourite newspaper. As I handed it to her, I said “Oh look, it’s October the first today.” She replied: “I know, isn’t it awful?” If the date is awful, what hope is there? I tried to make a joke of it, but I knew inside that she was serious; as time passed, it became harder and harder to bring her out of the dark into any sort of light, and it made being in her company emotionally draining.

      It is simply debilitating to stay around someone who is highly negative. We might say brightly: “What a lovely morning!” only to be dampened with “It’s going to rain later.” When this dynamic is repeated endlessly, it’s like trying to push water uphill:

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