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       Deciding to Adopt an Older Child

      Deciding to build a family, whether through birth or adoption, is one of the most important and impactful decisions you will make in your life. Any experienced parent will tell you that having or adopting a child is an event that turns your life upside down and that parenting is one of the toughest jobs on earth. Deciding to have or adopt a child is not a decision that should be made lightly. Most certainly, the decision to adopt an older child is no exception.

      The reasons people are interested in domestic or international older child adoption vary, but may include:

       • Infertility

       • They want children but decide to adopt for health or other reasons

       • To provide a loving home to a child in need

       • Older child adoption fits better with the prospective parent(s)’ age and/or life-stage

       • A religious or spiritual calling

       • They were adopted and thus understand the importance of adoption

       • They are fostering a child or children and want him/her/them to become a permanent part of the family

       • They know someone who has adopted an older child and see how life-changing it has been for the child and the adoptive family

       • Their children are grown and they want to raise more children

       • They have a talent for working with challenged children or teens

      There may be multiple reasons you are drawn to older child adoption. As you prepare to make your decision about adoption you may feel a natural amount of anxiety that comes with making such a life-changing decision. This is perfectly normal and acceptable. What is not acceptable, however, is making a decision without being well-informed. You must become educated about the challenges older adoptees have experienced in their lives and some of the issues they may encounter after adoption. Also read about the process of adopting an older child and what post-adoption services and support may be available to you. As you learn more about older child adoption, ask yourself these questions:

       • Is adopting an older child right for me and my family?

       • Is adoption about my needs or the needs of the child?

       • Do I know enough about older child adoption to make an informed decision?

       • Do I have realistic expectations about adopting an older child?

       • Will I be thoroughly committed to my adoptive child, even when his or her behavior sometimes makes me dislike him or her?

       • Do I have patience for a child whose behaviors may be the result of someone else’s abuse and/or neglect?

      If you have done your research and spoken to other adoptive parents and still have doubts about adopting an older child, discuss your feelings with an adoption professional, trusted family member, friend, clergyman or therapist. If you and your partner do not seem to be on the same page on adoption, don’t force a decision on a person who is hesitant. In the end you will make the right decision. If you are confident you can be committed to an older adopted child through good times and bad, embark on a journey that may be the most rewarding of your life!

      BETH’S STORY

      Beth and her husband adopted four siblings who came into their care at the ages of six and a half, five, three-and-a-half and two, through their state’s Department of Family and Protective Services. They always had a desire to adopt.

      Beth explained, “I nannied for years and realized early in life that I don’t particularly enjoy the infant years. I knew I wanted to be a mother but I didn’t necessarily want to have a baby. [In adopting from the foster care system] I was able to give [four children] a safe and loving home, while living the dream I have had since I was thirteen of having a large family.”

      Beth feels some of the adoptive parents she has met in support groups simply weren’t ready to adopt. She said, “We quickly realized that, as a family who came to adoption as a “plan A,” we were in the minority. I have discovered that many adopt children as a “plan B” after exhausting every known medical option to conceive. Many of these parents, before bringing a wounded child into their life, did not grieve or heal fully after “plan A” was no longer viable. I listened to the expectations and disappointments of well-meaning parents played out in group therapy more times than I can count. The parents were venting with nodding support instead of being told they need to deal with their issues and not project them onto their children. It is a serious problem in this emerging adoption culture.”

      Beth’s advice to people who are considering older child adoption is to “enter into a therapeutic discussion (with yourself, your partner, your therapist, whomever…) about the impacts of your decision.” She also recommends that people do thorough research about older child adoption. Prior to adopting, Beth says that she and her husband spent a long time asking questions and looking into the process before they actually took their first steps.

      EDUCATING YOURSELF ABOUT OLDER CHILD ADOPTION

      The decision to adopt and parent an older child should be informed by love, hope and knowledge. Lois Wright and Cynthia Flynn asked fifty-eight adoptive parents of teens what advice they had for people considering teen adoption and the dominant piece of advice was get as much information as possible about older child adoption and the specific child you are adopting.¹

      There are many uncertainties with older child adoption, but one thing is certain—it is not a fairytale and it takes a lot of hard work. Unlike infants, older adoptees join their families with prior life experiences that have shaped their psychological, behavioral, physical, social and emotional development. They join your family with hope, joy and love but also with hidden pain. Prospective parents of older adoptees must open their hearts and minds to the promises and difficulties

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