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      I demonstrate to my child that I believe I can learn a lot from him. _______

      I regularly ask for my child’s thoughts and opinions. _______

      I show my child I respect his ideas and perspectives. _______

      I listen intently to my child. _______

      I use my voice as a positive force for change. _______

      I take responsibility for my voice and choices. _______

      I am aware of the volume and tone of my voice when speaking with my child. _______

      I communicate honestly and openly with my child. _______

      I involve my child in age-appropriate decision making. _______

      I encourage my child to use his voice effectively. _______

      Obviously on any given day, parents might score themselves differently. Every parent experiences the feelings of being overwhelmed, over stressed, and over questioned! There is no average score for the above statements; rather, they are simply designed to cause parents to pause and consider their current actions related to voice and hopefully strive to change scores on the statements that matter the most to them and their children.

      In addition, families interact in unique ways for various reasons, be it personalities, culture, or life circumstances. While RQ’s Italian heritage seems to require (very) loud voices to communicate, other families may struggle with helping a child understand that you do not have to be an extrovert to have your voice heard; talking nonstop is not the same as having a voice. Regardless of your voice challenges, the most important starting place is to understand the difference between noise and voice.

      Now Hear This!

      Even in the moments when parents feel invisible, like they are losing the battle for airtime in their children’s lives, it is important to keep in mind that parents’ words and actions are noticed more often than they are acknowledged. Yes, even when a child’s head remains buried in a book or their eyes remain glued to the screen on their phone, they are noticing. That is reassuring, but it may be time to tip the scales. Think about the balance of noise and voice in your home and remember that it is never too late to turn down parent noise and turn up parent voice.

      Chapter 2 ListenHearing the Right Notes

       When people talk, listen completely. Most people never listen.

      —Ernest Hemingway

      At the end of parent seminars, we always ask for comments and questions. The responses range from thought provoking to YIKES, did he just ask what I think he asked? The latter category leaves us scratching our heads a bit: “My son doesn’t like any of his teachers. What is wrong with all of them?” “We have one kid; do you think we should have another?” “Our oldest child never listens to us. Is it because he has red hair?” (All questions that were actually asked!)

      We also have our own YIKES moments all the time, including things that cannot possibly be followed through on. For example, I (RQ) once confidently proclaimed: “Sit still or I am going to take you off the plane this second!” That would have been quite an accomplishment, seeing as we had been airborne for about 30 minutes. On a different trip, I heard a father yell at his kid to “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about!” A classic line heard many times before but never really thought about that deeply . . . until this child’s response: “I don’t need something else to cry about, I am already crying!” How can we expect our kids to listen to us when the things we say, especially during moments of frustration, do not make sense to them? Consider the classic, “If your head was not attached, you would probably lose it.” For real?

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