LITMIR.BIZ

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come. My Father was away on a journey and could not return as early as usual. It was about two or three o’clock in the afternoon; the sun was shining brightly, and all the world seemed gay. I was alone at the window, looking out to the kitchen garden, my mind full of cheerful thoughts, when I saw before me, in front of the washhouse, a man dressed exactly like Papa, of the same height and appearance, but more bent and aged. I say aged, to describe his general appearance, for I did not see his face, as his head was covered with a thick veil. He advanced slowly, with measured step, along my little garden; at that instant a feeling of supernatural fear seized me, and I called out loudly in a trembling voice: “Papa, Papa!” The mysterious person seemed not to hear; he continued his walk without even turning and went toward a clump of firs which grew in the middle of the garden. I expected to see him reappear at the other side of the big trees, but the prophetic vision had vanished.

      It was all over in a moment, but it was a moment that impressed itself so deeply on my memory that even now, after so many years, the memory of it is as vivid as the vision itself.

      My sisters were all together in an adjoining room. Hearing me call “Papa!” they were frightened themselves, but Marie, hiding her feelings, ran to me and said: “Why are you calling Papa, when he is at Alençon?” I told her what I had seen, and to reassure me they said that Nurse must have covered her head with her apron on purpose to frighten me. Victoire, however, when questioned, declared she had not left the kitchen — besides, the truth was too deeply impressed on my mind: I had seen a man, and that man was exactly like my father. We all went to look behind the clump of trees, and, finding nothing, my sisters told me to think no more about it. Ah, that was not in my power! Often and often my imagination brought before me this mysterious vision; often and often I tried to raise the veil that hid its true meaning; and deep down in my heart I had a conviction that someday it would be fully revealed to me. And you know all, dear Mother. You know that it was really my father whom God showed me, bent by age, and bearing on his venerable face and his white head the symbol of his terrible trial.⁷

      As the Adorable Face of Jesus was veiled during His Passion, so it was fitting that the face of His humble servant should be veiled during the days of his humiliation, in order that it might shine with greater brilliancy in heaven. How I admire God’s ways! He showed us this precious cross beforehand, as a father shows his children the glorious future he is preparing for them — a future that will bring them an inheritance of priceless treasures.

      But a thought comes into my mind: “Why did God give this light to a child who, if she had understood it, would have died of grief?” “Why?” Here is one of those incomprehensible mysteries that we will understand only in heaven, where they will be the subject of our eternal admiration. My God, how good Thou art! How well dost Thou suit the trial to our strength!

      At that time I had not courage even to think that Papa could die, without being terrified. One day he was standing on a high stepladder, and as I was close by he called out: “Move away, little Queen; if I fall I will crush you.” Instantly I felt an inward shock, and, going still nearer to the ladder, I thought: “At least if Papa falls I will not have the pain of seeing him die, for I will die with him.” I could never say how much I loved him. I admired everything he did. When he explained his ideas on serious matters, as if I were a big girl, I answered him naïvely: “It is quite certain, Papa, that if you spoke like that to the great men who govern the country they would take you and make you king. Then France would be happier than it ever has been; but you would be unhappy, because that is the lot of kings. Besides, you would no longer be my king alone, so I am glad that they do not know you.”

      When I was six or seven years old I saw the sea for the first time. The sight made a deep impression on me; I could not take my eyes off it. Its majesty and the roar of the waves all spoke to my soul of the greatness and power of God. I remember that, when we were on the beach, a man and woman looked at me for a long time; then, asking Papa if I was his child, they remarked that I was a very pretty little girl. Papa at once made a sign to them not to flatter me; I was delighted to hear what they said, for I did not think I was pretty. My sisters were most careful never to talk before me in such a way as to spoil my simplicity and childish innocence; and, because I believed so implicitly in them, I attached little importance to the admiration of these people and thought no more about it.

      That evening, at the hour when the sun seems to sink into the vast ocean, leaving behind it a trail of glory, I sat with Pauline on a bare rock, and gazed for a long time on this golden furrow, which she told me was an image of grace illumining the way of faithful souls here below. Then I pictured my soul as a tiny barque, with a graceful white sail, in the midst of the furrow, and I resolved never to let it withdraw from the sight of Jesus, so that it might sail peacefully and quickly toward the heavenly shore.

       Chapter III

       Pauline Enters the Carmel

      I was eight and a half when Léonie left school and I took her place at the Benedictine Abbey in Lisieux. The girls of my class were all older than me; one of them was fourteen and, though not clever, she knew how to impose on the little ones. Seeing me so young, nearly always first in class, and a favorite with all the nuns, she was jealous, and used to take revenge in a thousand ways. Naturally timid and sensitive, I did not know how to defend myself and could only cry in silence. Céline and my elder sisters did not know of my grief; and, not being advanced enough in virtue to rise above these troubles, I suffered considerably.

      Every evening I went home, and then my spirits rose. I would climb onto Papa’s knee, telling him what marks I had, and his caresses made me forget all my troubles. With what delight I announced the result of my first essay, for I won the maximum number of marks. In reward I received a silver coin, which I put in my money box for the poor, and nearly every Thursday I was able to increase the fund.

      Indeed, to be spoiled was a real necessity for me. The Little Flower needed to strike its tender roots deeper and deeper into the dearly loved garden of home, for nowhere else could it find the nourishment it required. Thursday was a holiday, but it was not like the holidays I had under Pauline, which I generally spent upstairs with Papa. Not knowing how to play like other children, I felt myself a dull companion. I tried my best to do as the others did, but without success.

      After Céline, who was so to say indispensable to me, I sought the company of my little cousin Marie, because she left me free to choose the games I liked best. We were already closely united in heart and will, as if God were showing us in advance how one day in the Carmel we would embrace the same religious life.⁸

      Very often, at my uncle’s house, we used to play at being two austere hermits, with only a poor hut, a little patch of corn, and a garden in which to grow a few vegetables. Our life was to be spent in continual contemplation, one praying while the other engaged in active duties. All was done with religious gravity and decorum. If we went out, the make-believe continued even in the street: the two hermits would say the Rosary, using their fingers to count on so as not to display their devotion before those who might scoff. One day, however, the hermit Thérèse forgot herself — before eating a cake, given her for lunch, she made a large Sign of the Cross, and some worldly folk did not repress a smile.

      We were so bent on always doing the same thing that sometimes we carried it too far. Endeavoring one evening, on our way home from school, to imitate the modest demeanor of the hermits, I said to Marie: “Lead me, I am going to shut my eyes.” “So am I,” she answered. Being on the pavement we were in no fear of vehicles; and for a short while all went well, and we enjoyed walking with our eyes shut. But before long we both fell over some boxes standing at a shop door and knocked them down. The shopkeeper came out in a rage to replace them, but the would-be blind pair picked themselves up and ran off as fast as they could, with eyes wide open. Then the hermits had to listen to a well-deserved scolding from Jeanne, the maid, who seemed as vexed as the shopkeeper.

      I have not yet told you how Céline and I changed when we came to Lisieux. She had now become the little romper, full of mischief, while Thérèse had turned into a very quiet little girl, far too much inclined to tears. I needed a champion, and who can say how courageously my dear little sister played that part. We used to enjoy

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