LITMIR.BIZ

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rent in December and telling me you’ll pay November’s rent at your convenience. Let me use this opportunity to tell you that your cynical remarks about my exaggerated riches and your having a house of similar stature in your native village are certainly the reason for you delaying your payment. If I’m rich then my riches are genuine. I’ve not got to inconvenience anybody to be rich. So what’s your problem? If I have millions enough to buy 4 cars, what’s your problem? Considering that I’ve always had difficulties collecting your rent and given the general reluctance with which you want to settle your financial obligations, i.e. rents, bills and debts, I want to let you know that I have had enough of it and I’m asking you to quit my house by the end of the month. You can go and live in your home village.’ His is a world of make believe,” Britney concluded.

      ***

      To further satisfy Lilly Loveless’ curiosity, Britney shared with her the story of Spiteless, a girl who keeps hoping to meet a bushfaller, and whom bushfallers repeatedly deceive because her quest is so desperately engraved on her forehead. “One of her catches was a bushfaller who, from every indication, had a fiancée with whom he had fathered a child already.”

      “Why do you say that?”

      “This girl accompanied another girl to welcome back her own fiancé from Muzunguland. The man, Virtue, was carrying two gifts from Maradona, as the bushfaller in question was known in his circles.”

      Lilly Loveless noted the coincidence between bushfaller and footballer in the two stories.

      “One of the gifts was for Spiteless and the other for Maradona’s fiancée, who wasn’t present and who didn’t know a thing about Spiteless. Thrilled with the gift and the welcome party for Virtue, Spiteless sent Maradona an email the next day. ‘There was great feasting and happiness. I tell you that I just felt jealous! What for? When on earth shall I ever have the chance to go and welcome my own man? I thought silently.’ Most definitely encouraged by Maradona, Spiteless sent email after email. In one, a long letter, which she brought me to correct because her English isn’t very good, she wrote about how ‘Our distance seems to create a problem’, but how ‘I am very happy and encouraged by the many emails and phone calls you have afforded to make.’ As things intensified, from Spiteless’ vantage point at least, Virtue, a Born Again Christian, could not stand it.”

      “He told Spiteless the truth?”

      “Yes, and much more. When Maradona wrote to him with money to parcel out to his fiancée and to Spiteless, Virtue became spiteful. He wrote to Maradona. ‘I wish to make it clear to you that I do not wish to pry into your love affairs. Spiteless’ problems are not mine, but the point which I want to drive home is that I should be left out in any Maradona – Virtue – Spiteless relationship. Please, Maradona, I shall henceforth welcome none of your girlfriends except your fiancée or wife. Such uneasy relationships are not my ways.’ He was particularly unhappy that Maradona had engineered Spiteless, and not his fiancée to be close to his wife. ‘I think it would have been more agreeable if you introduced your fiancée to my wife instead of Spiteless. I do not mean that Spiteless is unacceptable in any way. She is quite a superb and amiable girl. I do not like the platform on which I came to know her. I feel rather very ashamed to meet her now following what I know.’”

      “What did Maradona have to say for himself?”

      “He wrote back with copies of all the letters Spiteless had sent him, asking Virtue to see for himself that Spiteless was reading far more into the relationship than there really was. But Virtue declined. He wrote, ‘I think it is not proper for me to read her letters to you and so I have personally returned them to her. Maradona, you are a good brother and a valuable friend, but you have to understand that my relationship with anybody has to be founded on mutual respect. Your action does not seem to conform to this golden rule of mine. I hope and pray such an act should not again occur.’”

      “Were they actually brothers?”

      “No, not even brothers in Christ, as you can guess.”

      “How did Spiteless come out of all this?”

      “She was full of spite towards Maradona, when she found out about his fiancée and untruths. ‘I am so angry over your selfish and inconsiderate behaviour that I cannot trust myself to speak to you without losing my temper. When you grill fish, please use aluminium foil to prevent the oil from dirtying the grill pan. If you cannot do so, kindly restrict yourself to one grill. It is not very pleasant to find both grill pans smelling of stale fish oil when one wants to toast bread and to get one’s bread stained yellow.’ She was and remains at her metaphorical best when angry, but her quest for a marriable bushfaller continues.

      ***

      The surging cacophony of music penetrated the silence of their back room, like a river that had overflowed its banks.

      “This is unbearable,” Lilly Loveless complained, gathering her things. “Do you think we could move somewhere else?”

      Britney took a quick look at her watch. It was 10:30am. “Let’s try Mountain Valley,” she suggested. “At this time of day, it should be quiet for us to work.”

      Lilly Loveless paid for the drinks.

      After a fifteen minute taxi ride, they arrived at Mountain Valley and spread their things out on one of the many empty tables.

      A waitress came and insisted they buy drinks, to be allowed to sit and work.

      “We patron no like make people dem just come sit no drink, no chop,” she told them, making it clear that she was simply implementing instructions.

      “I am a regular customer here, don’t you know me?” Lilly Loveless protested playfully. Then to Britney she asked: “Same thing?”

      “Same thing,” Britney replied.

      “One Pamplemouse, one Mimbo-Wanda, both cold,” she ordered.

      The waitress left and was soon back with the drinks, accompanied by a tiny bowl of roasted groundnuts.

      ***

      Britney resumed. Her second interview was about Pius Toktok, “a man who had worked for several years as a journalist with Radio Mimboland International in Nyamandem. During this time he had gained the interest of the local population because of his mastery of the language and style of broadcasting. Then he decided to leave for Puttkamerstown, in quest of a Masters degree at UM to be able to gain a promotion at his job. This meant he had to be away from his family in Nyamandem for the best part of two years. It also meant, given his popularity as a seasoned broadcast journalist, that he would be easily recognizable and admired, especially amongst us girls.

      “Pius Toktok was almost past middle age. Soon after his arrival at the university, he fell for a student of History, Beatrice. She was an aspiring journalist herself, spoke with affectation, and had a soft spot for language well articulated. Whether or not this would have been enough for a relationship, I don’t know. But what I know is that the relationship started when Pius Toktok showed signs of being financially upright and thus Beatrice didn’t hesitate to open when he knocked at the door of her heart with affection. Like most Mboma relationships, this one was not really open. It was discreet. Only the neighbours around Beatrice had an idea of this affair, as Pius Toktok would drive late in the night into the mini-cité where she lived. More often than not he made sure he left her room before the light that announces the break of day. Unfortunately for Pius Toktok, the news of his infidelity soon reached his wife in Nyamandem.”

      “Nothing can hide forever under the searchlight of the tropical Sun, as Bobinga Iroko would say,” said Lilly Loveless.

      “Absolutely,” agreed Britney. “Upon hearing the unpleasant news, Mrs Toktok, herself a beauty still in her twenties, made a surprise visit. She made sure she had a good description of Beatrice before leaving Nyamandem. When she got to the mini-cité where Beatrice lived, late that night, she went to her room and knocked at the door. Pius Toktok and Beatrice were at home and, of course, in bed. With the small piece of cloth that he wrapped round his waist, Pius Toktok made straight for the door unsuspicious. To

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