LITMIR.BIZ

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      He wanted to, as painful as it was, think of that night.

      Instead he was panicking and his mind grabbed for something he couldn’t quite reach. For the first time since he knew what he must do, he didn’t know how things would play out. It had all been clear up to this point: wait for the 5th of May, their wedding anniversary, a date that mattered to her. Find a discreet place that would cause little damage. Leave this earth quietly. Be with his wife again.

      It didn’t matter if it hurt; it didn’t matter if it was quick or slow. It just had to not cause harm to another person and it just had to be now, and therefore the girl had to leave. He turned around to look at her once more and she was looking straight back at him. Had she said something again?

      ‘Hmmm?’ muttered Chris.

      ‘I was just telling you why I’m here.’ She waited for him to respond, but he didn’t. ‘Anyway, so he’s been using me, and if I’m honest, I’ve known for longer than I let on. I guess that sometimes things are rough. You know?’ Again, she waited for him to reply, but he said nothing, only lowered his head. ‘I saw you kiss that picture.’

      ‘That’s none of your business,’ he said, his guard back up.

      ‘Sorry, you’re right, I shouldn’t pry.’

      He watched her pull her scarf up over her chin to shelter herself from the cold wind that was sweeping though the station.

      60 seconds.

      Chris had forgotten it was cold, but he did notice that her gestures reminded him a little of the way Julia used to hide her face when she was embarrassed or shy. Another memory began to swirl into focus among the million that were circling his mind, unable to fully settle, like a flock of birds feeding at sea. He grabbed the one that was closest and as it fell into place he could see it was one of his favourite moments.

      He was in bed lying with Julia next to him, facing him, lit only by a small lamp that cast shadows over her delicate features. The memory was of their first night together. The night that had begun at this station. They were both nervous and tipsy after a dinner party her mother had hosted. He still couldn’t believe he’d summoned the courage to go, but he guessed that’s what she was to him: personified courage.

      They were both in his bed in their underwear and between gazing at one another and giggling due to their nerves they kissed passionately, her gentle moans and heavy breathing in his ear making his whole body tingle as if suddenly exposed to intense summer heat. His pulse moving at such a rate that for a second he thought his heart would burst and he would die right then in that moment.

      He remembered the way he entered her without looking anywhere but deep into her eyes and how it was over quickly, both climaxing together in such a way that Chris didn’t know where his began and hers ended. He thought about how she giggled after and hid her face, embarrassed about how loud she had been, with only her smiling eyes showing above the covers. He remembered thinking that nothing else mattered.

      The woman in the cardigan was looking at him still. Had she spoken again? Why was she bothering?

      ‘Hmm?’

      ‘I just wondered why you would want to get me a drink, that’s all.’

      ‘I’ve said – you look cold.’

      ‘I mean, why would you care?’

      ‘Because I can.’

      ***

      Taking a deep breath, Sarah felt something she didn’t understand, something in her stomach, a kind of ache.

      ‘I didn’t think there was anyone nice left in the world.’

      ‘There probably isn’t.’

      ‘And yet a complete stranger offers to buy me a drink so I can stay warm. I mean, who does that?’

      ‘Don’t read into it; it’s not a big deal. I’ve only offered because, as I’ve said, I want to be alone.’

      ‘Clearly.’ She took a breath. She needed to keep him talking. Despite him wanting to be alone, she knew she couldn’t leave him. ‘Did she leave you?’

      ‘What?’

      ‘The girl in the picture?’

      ‘Just take the money, please.’

      Sarah chose to ignore him. She had never met a man who clearly treasured love. Despite him not wanting to talk about it, she knew she needed to. He offered hope for her future.

      ‘Is there any chance she will come back?’

      ***

      Chris thought about the moment Julia stopped fighting whilst he could do nothing but look on. Her chest rising with her last breath. An expression of fear left on her face after she was dead.

      ‘No.’

      ‘You clearly love her.’

      ‘Yes.’

      He didn’t know why but the stranger’s persistence had somehow found a way through his walls. Just a small crack that she managed to squeeze in through.

      ‘I wish I had someone love me like that.’

      Chris looked at her. He could see in that moment she was hurting in a way similar to him. But on a smaller scale. He knew he would never love anyone like he did Julia. And in return he wouldn’t be loved back. But this girl, the train girl, she still had a future.

      ‘You will.’

      She broke eye contact, a small smile on her lips. He felt as though in a different time they might have had a good conversation. But the clock was ticking. He needed her gone. He closed the gap she had broken through. His wall solid once more.

      ‘She was a lucky lady.’

      ‘Sorry, I don’t mean to be rude, but I need to be alone. Will you please go for that coffee. I insist.’

      He glanced from her to the clock and back again, her expression startled by his sudden forcefulness.

      45 seconds.

      ‘Sorry,’ he repeated a little softer. ‘I want to be on my own and I don’t really want to talk to anyone. It’s sweet of you to care; it really is. But I need you to leave, okay?’

      ‘Okay,’ she replied. ‘Sorry.’

      ‘Go for that drink.’ Holding out the five-pound note, Chris looked up.

      35 seconds.

      ‘Please.’

      ***

      Sarah stood up and walked towards him, standing a little too close as she took the money. Her hand unintentionally stroking against his, for the second time, as she did. She felt it again. There was something, although she didn’t know what it was, that drew her to him, to this stranger. As she looked at him she could see fear in his eyes and she wanted to know what he was frightened of. What she did know though, was that if she left, something terrible would happen. But not knowing what else to do she started to back away.

      ***

      Breathing a sigh of relief, he looked up once more.

      25 seconds.

      Turning and stepping closer to the platform edge he once again curled his toes over the lip. Not noticing she had stopped. His thoughts were back with Julia.

      ***

      With the money in my hand and my back still turned, I thought of all the times in my life I didn’t act. I didn’t act when my parents split up. I didn’t act the first time John cheated on me. I didn’t act when my bank account read so little so often. I still don’t know why but I knew that in that moment I would do something. Turning I looked towards the man in the wet shirt and bare feet. The man who reminded me of the old films. His gaze focused on the rail line floor three feet below.

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