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Fresh air and green fields is what I need just now.

      28th August 2008

      We’re going fishing today! I’m feeling all countrified and excited about it. The horrible hospitals seem a million miles away.

      The four of us laughed all day long, stomping in the mud in our wellies, even though Jack and I hate wearing those rubbery things. They look so silly and feel cold on our feet but it’s better that than getting wet, muddy socks.

      We couldn’t wait to get down to the river and we hired rods from the local angling people. They gave us a bucket of wriggling worms as well. Poor Bobby didn’t want to touch the wrigglers. He was freaking out a bit, wrinkling his nose and shouting if I put one near him. Meanwhile Freddy was trying to put them in his pockets, which was making me wet myself laughing.

      I love watching my boys playing together. They are such different personalities. Bobby is quite sensitive–he can tell when things aren’t right–and he’s very loving. Freddy is a gorgeous kid too but is much more wild. He never stops tearing around and can be quite mischievous.

      To tell you the truth, I wasn’t any good at fishing–none of us were. We were all crap and gave up before long as we weren’t catching anything. It’s boring just sitting on a river-bank waiting. I’ve never been very good at waiting!

      Afterwards we went horse-riding. The boys were going crazy over the horses, they loved them so much. They were both asking: ‘Please can we get one?’ What with the dogs and my boys to look after, I said that horses were the last thing we needed right now.

      They all had a good go on them, including Jack. I did too.

      I used to love horse-riding when I was younger. My dad had a rich girlfriend at one point and she let me use their horses. It was amazing.

      Jack was a bit nervous though. He made me laugh, pulling faces and wanting to get off. He didn’t like the horse moving and said it hurt his bits.

      I wasn’t letting him give up that easily, though. ‘Let’s go for a trot,’ I suggested.

      I could tell he wanted to keep up with me because he knew he’d never hear the last of it otherwise! I couldn’t stop laughing as he tried to cling onto the reins.

      ‘What is trotting anyway?’ he shouted.

      Ha, ha! The boys were braver than him!

      When he jumped down he couldn’t walk properly and was staggering around like John Wayne. It cracked me up.

      For a whole five minutes, all the laughing made me forget I am ill.

      Then I went to the toilet and remembered all over again because thick, black, tarry stuff was falling out of me into the loo. It smelled disgusting and made me feel horrible inside.

      It’s like a mad rollercoaster–one minute I’m laughing with my boys and can forget about cancer and the next it hits me hard again.

      The pain was bad, like really severe period pains.

      I called Dr Ind on my mobile and he explained that it was the cancer causing bits of my womb to come away.

      People use the expression ‘I’m falling apart’. Well, right now I really am.

      Later on I got the Scrabble board out. Before you laugh, we are actually not that bad. I can spell enough words to play with my two clever little boys. They may be at a better school than I ever went to, but if I can’t spell as well as a three-year-old and a five-year-old I’m really in trouble.

      I felt so tired when the sun went down that I went to bed early, still feeling the cramps.

      It all catches up on me once the boys are asleep.

      29th August 2008

      Not a nice day. It started out badly and just got worse. Jack woke up with the hump but wouldn’t tell me why. I still had horrible tummy pains and the boys were fighting with each other.

      I always put on my biggest smile when things are this bad. I took some painkillers, made the breakfast and thought: ‘Keep smiling, Mum! Just keep smiling.’

      We all went on a boat trip out to sea and Bobby totally loved it. The water was calming and everyone was happy again.

      We went to see porpooses (or whatever that name is for animals like dolphins and seals). I didn’t know you could get seals in England.

      The trip lasted a couple of hours but when we got back to shore Bobby wanted to go straight back out again.

      ‘No, Bobby,’ I said. ‘We are going for some food now. We’re hungry.’

      He screwed his face up into a ball and screamed like you wouldn’t believe. ‘I want another go!’ he yelled. ‘It’s not fair!’

      I know where he gets his lungs from, I suppose. Can’t duck out of that one.

      I dragged him away while all the other tourists were staring and obviously thinking he was a spoilt brat.

      ‘I want to hear “thank you, Mum” not screaming, Bobby,’ I snapped at him. ‘You’re being really ungrateful after I’ve given you a nice treat.’

      I managed to get him into the car and strapped him in, but the noise of his crying upset me so much that I began to cry. Soon I was sobbing my head off. I hated myself for telling him off. He’s only little and doesn’t have any idea what’s going on with me. I hate seeing my boys upset.

      Jack was at a loss to know what to do.

      I told Bobby to say sorry and, bless his heart, he started crying and gave me a hug.

      ‘I’m sorry, Mummy,’ he sobbed.

      ‘I’m sorry for shouting at you,’ I cried, then we had the biggest cuddle.

      Every time we have a cuddle now, I feel myself well up. It’s so hard when I think about the future and what might happen. But I won’t let myself think that way. I can’t.

      That night my emotions were all over the place. I told Jack that I couldn’t be with him any more because I could never give him a family of his own.

      ‘It’s not fair that I put you through this,’ I said. ‘It’s going to be so hard.’

      I meant it too. He’s still only young, a twenty-one-year-old boy. We’ve been through so much together–breaking up, making up, even cheating death in a car accident in 2007. Oh, and that was before we were kidnapped by a mad taxi driver who picked us up in London a few months earlier. And, of course, my miscarriage. But fighting cancer and not being able to have kids was too much.

      Looking back, it makes the miscarriage even more painful. Jack couldn’t wait to be a dad. I think his mum was a bit worried as he was only nineteen at the time–I’d have been worried if that was Bobby or Freddy–but she soon came round. My mum went out and bought loads of baby clothes. She thought it was going to be a girl. The girl I will never have.

      I did an interview in OK! about it and even had some photos taken of my three months’ bump. We were really looking forward to having a baby of our own. Now I can never ever give him that.

      He keeps trying to make a joke out of it, saying: ‘I’ve already got two kids–that’s quite enough, thanks!’

      I can’t laugh about it. ‘You might want a family of your own one day and I don’t want to deny you that,’ I said. ‘You should just leave me and get on with it, Jack.’

      He looked at me in the eye and shook his head. ‘I already have a family,’ he said. ‘You, me, Bobby and Freddy. I’m not going anywhere.’

      ‘But I’m not going to be like a real woman any more,’ I cried. ‘What’s the point in us having a relationship?’

      I

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