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       21 Golden Rules

      Rule 1: Teach by Example Before Giving Instructions

      ‘I tell myself time and again to overlook mother’s bad example. I only want to see her good points, and to look inside myself for what is lacking in her. But it doesn’t work…’

      Anne Frank, Diary of a Young Girl

      It is no coincidence that I have put this particular rule at the top of my list. I firmly believe that the single most important thing we can do to help our teenagers develop confidence is to ensure that our own is as strong and healthy as it possibly can be. Ironically, it is during this stage of parenting that our own confidence is often at its most rocky. Not only is it usually midlife crisis time for us personally and in our careers, it is also a time when, as parents, we are continually faced with daunting dilemmas and decisions that we know will have profound consequences on the future of our child. Rarely can we be sure that we will get it right.

      ‘Should we put our foot down now or will that make her more rebellious?’

      ‘I want him to be happy and enthusiastic about his work, but if I let him give up that subject, will it hold him back at University?’

      ‘If we ban smoking at home, won’t that make them go underground with it and then what?’

      Once we have made up our agonized mind, we may then have to face a barrage of opposition. We can sometimes feel very isolated and alone. Even those closest to us may disagree with the line we take or the decision we make. Most of us find that over at least some issues we are on opposite sides of the fence to people who have hitherto been great sources of support and love. It’s not just our newly empowered and often rebellious teens who will tell us that we are most definitely wrong. Many of the people who have consulted me have found that, at the same time, they also have to face opposition from their other children, their partner, the grandparents, teachers and sports coaches.

      ‘Parents of young adolescents are often struggling with their own midlife crisis at the time when their children reach puberty.’

      Laurence Steinberg with Wendy Steinberg, Crossing Paths

      Being human, many of us will then find that our frustration gets the better of us. We start responding to this criticism in ways that we know we shouldn’t. For example, we might counter our teen’s ‘attack’ with equally hurtful putdowns, such as ‘That’s a bit rare coming from someone with a pigsty of a bedroom like yours’ or an authoritarian reminder of the limit of their power, such as ‘Don’t cheek me or you’ll be sorry’.

      Perhaps teaching by example will be the best parenting tool you will ever have. It is likely to continue to wield its impact long after our children have left home, as these examples from adults with confidence problems illustrate.

      Josie, a student from a small rural town, was in her first year at university in London – she was referred for counselling by her tutor who spotted that she was underachieving.