LITMIR.BIZ

      CHAPTER TWO

      THE light in the hall went out and she tried not to see it as an omen. It was on a time clock to save Cyril money, and she hated the meanness that left her, old Mr Baker and Sally and her petrified children fumbling around in the pitch dark.

      The damp-smelling blackness of the hall made her shiver. She hurried back to her flat. The door was stuck open and wouldn’t budge. That was all she needed! She struggled in mounting fury with it and eventually dragged it shut.

      A sense of panic skittered through her mind. Life was crowding in on her again, making difficulties. And she had to admit that she was scared of her ability to cope if too many things went wrong. A groan escaped her dry lips at the horror of losing control again and sinking into the black depths of suicidal despair. No. That mustn’t happen.

      ‘Help me, help me!’ she whispered, forcing the words through her teeth.

      As she walked shakily into the room, she caught a glimpse of her white and strained face in the mirror above the mantelpiece. She looked awful. Huge smudged eyes filled with misery. Sullen, down-turned mouth. Grimly she willed her spirits to rise.

      Luc. She was seeing Luc after an eternity. He’d be…twenty-eight now. What would he think of her?! She took herself back to their first meeting. She’d been storming along the A38 near her home, in an attempt to walk off her fury after yet another row with her tyrannical and dogmatic father. She’d infuriated him by refusing to encourage the attentions of the limp, insufferably smug son of their wealthy neighbour. Her father had had ambitions for her. Most of them boiled down to seeing her married to a wealthy, influential man.

      As she’d stomped along, steaming at her father’s accusations of her wilfulness, ingratitude and downright stubborn stupidity, it had begun to rain in torrents, drenching her beautiful silk Bellini suit in seconds. No wonder Luc had stopped his lorry! He must have thought he was hallucinating, especially when she accepted his offer of a lift, slipped off her gorgeous Italian shoes, wriggled her expensive skirt up to her thighs and clambered up the high steps into the cab.

      ‘I don’t care where you’re going,’ she’d said grimly, not looking at him, not even aware that she’d picked an Adonis. ‘Just drive me somewhere dry where I can fume for a while!’

      That was then. And now…she saw a completely different woman. One who’d been to hell and back, grown wiser, more wary, more grateful for small mercies.

      Her mind cleared, her soft, unhappy mouth grew firmer and she straightened, proud of how she’d survived, telling herself to be content with the person she’d become. When she’d left him she’d been scrawny and unhealthy-looking in a baggy old jumper and dowdy skirt, a walking scarecrow who’d forgotten what life and laughter were like.

      She felt a hollow sensation in her stomach thinking of that ghastly moment when she’d found herself on the pavement outside their little house. What kind of mother left her child? A Class One cow, of course. She gave an involuntary shudder, her eyes as dark and shiny as rain-battered slate.

      It hadn’t occurred to Luc that there might be a powerful explanation for such unusual behaviour. He’d believed that she didn’t love Gemma. Far from it. She’d put her daughter before her own needs. Always had, always would.

      The birth had been awful. Her baby had been two weeks overdue and she’d been induced. The drugs had given her a protracted and painful labour and had left her in shock. It had been nearly a year before post-traumatic stress had been diagnosed and she’d begun treatment.

      At the time, though, Luc had had no idea that her decision to leave was instinctive, to save Gemma’s life. The greatest sacrifice she could make.

      No. He hadn’t even paused to think. Ellen let out a small sigh. They hadn’t known one another very well. It had been a whirlwind courtship of fun and passion, and her reckless, impulsive behaviour in urging him to run away with her to London had contributed to the wrong impression he’d formed of her when she couldn’t bond with her baby.

      ‘What the hell are you doing?’ he’d demanded, when he’d come home and found her case in the hall—and Gemma yelling her head off in the tiny sitting room beyond.

      ‘Going.’ It was all she could manage. A huge lump of emotion was blocking her throat. She desperately wanted to take Gemma in her arms. But didn’t dare.

      He gave an impatient snort of disbelief and pushed past her, grabbing the nappy sack and crouching on the carpet beside his screaming daughter. Confused, she watched from the doorway as he undid Gemma’s rompers.

      ‘God!’ he said in disgust. ‘She’s soaking! What do you do all day? This place is a tip!’

      ‘I…did change her, not long ago! Today?’ She found it hard to think, her mind fuddled. ‘I went shopping.’

      Nervously she indicated a pile of bags full of clothes for herself which she didn’t need and would never wear. And she didn’t even know why she’d gone out, let alone bought the stuff. Absurd.

      ‘Shopping!’ he exploded. ‘We’re in debt, Ellen! I’m working all hours to pay just the interest! Why do you do this to me? Gemma’s your priority, not yourself. You could have picked her up! Seen to her!’

      No. No, she couldn’t. She had to keep away and overcome that awful urge to grab Gemma and fling her across the room. No one understood. The doctor had put her on sedatives and implied that she was behaving like a spoilt child. Perhaps he’d even said as much to Luc!

      After the birth Luc had been puzzled and then annoyed by her lack of interest in Gemma, but she was helpless in the face of the overwhelming fear that she would harm her child, and she was capable of focusing only on that one, overriding primitive instinct to protect her baby.

      ‘I have to go!’ she croaked, trembling and as limp as a rag doll.

      He shot her a quick glance, his eyes narrowing as they searched hers. ‘Where? We don’t know anyone around here. Do you mean,’ he asked tightly, ‘that you’re off to visit your parents? They’re actually speaking to you again?’

      Ellen licked her lips, her eyes hollow from night after night without sleep. ‘I’m…leaving you.’

      His shoulders rose and fell several times before he spoke. By that time Gemma had been deftly cleaned, dried and dressed again, and was tucked over her father’s shoulder and whimpering

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