LITMIR.BIZ

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‘Men like to be fed, darling. It makes them feel loved. I’m quite surprised you’ve hung on to him for so long.’

       Christie would smile at her mother but shed tears of frustration in private. Nick held her and advised her to ‘take no notice of the old bat’.

       One night when Fred was coming up for six and they were lying in bed in each other’s arms, having just made love, Nick murmured, ‘Chris, I’d love us to have another baby. Shall we give it a go?’

       ‘I thought we just had!’ Then, seeing his expression so serious, she asked, Are you sure? It’ll put us right back to square one in terms of sleep, potty training and everything else.’

       ‘But in another few years we might regret it if we don’t at least try. I promise I’ll massage your back and brush your hair whenever you want.’ He put his lips on her neck and started to kiss her.

       ‘Mmm.’ She wriggled appreciatively. ‘Can I have that in writing?’

       ‘I’ll get a contract ready to sign in the morning.’

       ‘In that case, Mr Lynch, you have a deal. Shall we get on with the preliminary negotiations?’

11

      Running from the train to the car park and battling through the local traffic, Christie finally pulled up outside the school at five o’clock. She had tried to phone to say she was running late, but no one was answering the main switchboard. The tall wrought-iron gates were padlocked. Lights shone through the windows of the gym and along the corridor that led to the classrooms. She rang the bell, hoping that Mrs Snell might have waited.

      ‘Hello?’ She recognised the voice of the school caretaker quavering through the loudspeaker.

      ‘It’s Mrs Lynch. I’m afraid I’m late for an appointment with Mrs Snell. Is she there?’

      ‘Gone home fifteen minutes ago. Sorry.’ There was a click as the phone was hung up.

      Oh, shit, shit, shit. What would Mrs Snell think of her? She would never understand how impossible it had been to make a getaway from lunch. In the head teacher’s eyes, the welfare of the school’s pupils took precedence over everything. She was right, of course. Why hadn’t Christie made her excuses and left on time? Despite her initial determination not to, she had allowed Julia to take full control of their relationship. Feeling the guilt of being the least responsible mother in the world, Christie rammed the key into the ignition and drove home very slowly indeed.

      *

      Maureen was waiting for her. As soon as she could, she took Christie into the sitting room where she could talk to her without Libby overhearing. ‘Well? What did Mrs Snell have to say?’ She’d never had much time for the head teacher who, she felt, had risen too far above her station. Something to do with her broad northern accent and her generous waistline, and nothing to do with the praise Christie often gave her for being so good at her job.

      ‘Nothing. I got there too late and she’d gone.’ Christie sank into a chair as if all the strength had gone from her legs.

      ‘Gone? She should have waited. Why didn’t she wait?’

      ‘Because I was nearly an hour late. Don’t say a thing,’ Christie warned, aware that she might say something she’d regret in response.

      But Maureen couldn’t stop herself. An hour!’ she gasped, disbelieving that anyone could be so tardy. ‘Oh, Christine, really.’

      ‘Yes, an hour. And before you say any more, I know I should have made my excuses and left lunch earlier but it was impossible. Julia wouldn’t understand and I don’t want to get on the wrong side of her. Not when things are going so well. I left as quickly as I could. There were no taxis and then the trains were delayed.’ Despairing, she leaned forward, resting her elbows on her knees and her head in her hands.

      Maureen put a hand on her daughter’s shoulder. ‘But it was for Libby,’ she said quietly.

      ‘I know it was for Libby!’ Christie exploded. ‘Why do you think I rushed there as quickly as I could? There must be a problem and I’ve no idea what it is so I can’t even begin to try to put it right. How do you think that makes me feel?’

      Affronted by her daughter’s outburst, Maureen took a step back. ‘Feeling sorry for yourself isn’t going to make things better.’

      ‘I should never have taken the bloody job,’ Christie muttered, ignoring her mother. She glanced at the photo of Nick. Seeing him strengthened her resolve. ‘But I did, so I’m just going to have to make the best of it. I’ll go into school in the morning and see if I can catch her then.’

      ‘I think you should,’ Maureen agreed. ‘Actually, have you noticed something’s not quite right with Libby?’

      ‘If there was something wrong, I’d know.’ Of that Christie was absolutely certain.

      ‘Would you? You’ve been so preoccupied for the last few months. I know this “new career”,’ Maureen rolled her tongue around the words, ‘means a lot to you, but you mustn’t forget your family.’

      ‘Forget? What do you mean? How dare you insinuate that I’ve forgotten the kids? I’m not just doing this for me. I’m doing it for us. Remember that, Mum. For all of us.’ Christie banged her fist on the arm of the chair, simultaneously freeing a little cloud of dust that rose up between them.

      ‘If you say so, dear.’ Maureen pursed her lips. ‘Just don’t say I didn’t mention anything.’ She walked to the door and turned as she opened it. ‘I’ll see you tomorrow when you get home. I’ve left supper in the fridge for you.’

      Christie didn’t try to stop her leaving although she was ashamed of her loss of control. Maureen was doing her best to help her and all she’d done was shout. This was not how it was meant to be. She unclenched her fists, noticing that the pressure of her nails had left little half-moon prints in her palm. Why is life so bloody difficult? she wondered. I’m just trying to have a life and a family. Is that too much to ask?

      She felt guilty for not being at home by the end of Libby and Fred’s school day when they emerged full of stories about what they’d been up to and what their friends and teachers had said or done; guilty that by the time she got home, they’d moved on to other things and barely responded to her questions about their day; guilty that, if she was honest, when she was in the studio, she didn’t have a second to think about them. Being there took up all her energy and concentration. A live daily news show was exhilarating, like riding a tiger, and it made her feel alive again. The print journalism she’d done since Nick had died now seemed like coasting. At last she was doing something that stimulated and fulfilled her.

      She loved her growing friendship with Frank, as well as the working relationship she was developing with Sam. They didn’t criticise her views or what she looked like but accepted her for who she was and respected how she approached her work. There must be a way to marry her two lives without sacrificing either. All she had to do was find the key. She sighed.

      ‘What’s the matter, Mum?’

      The small voice from the doorway almost made her jump out of her skin. She turned to see Libby standing there. Her hair had grown over the summer and she wore it with a side parting so the way it fell hid much of her face. Standing there in her loose tracksuit bottoms and a baggy long-sleeved top, shoulders hunched and hands hidden by her cuffs, she looked like a waif who’d strayed in from the cold. Christie held out her arms.

      ‘Come here, Libs.’

      Libby crossed the room and sat on her mother’s knee, resting her head in the dip under her collarbone. For a moment, they were silent, taking comfort from their closeness. Times like this had become increasingly rare and correspondingly valuable.

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