The Last Days of the Lacuna Cabal - Sean Dixon

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The following was written in the Book of Days immediately under today’s date: ‘Salam Pax has not posted today regarding the situation in Baghdad. Why not? We can’t help but fear the worst for this courageous bear of a man.’ The authors of this account did not recognise the handwriting, but it has turned out to be from Aline, who managed to keep his obsession with the Iraq war and specifically the Baghdad Blogger a secret from everyone else in the Cabal.

      At the mention of Runner’s surfeit of heaviness, Missy placed the tips of her thumb and forefinger on either side of the bridge of her nose, pressing hard in a believable display of martyrdom. Runner continued.

      ‘He carried me here, and I have yet to hold up my end of the bargain, since I promised to blow him if he got me up all those stairs.’

      Now we all had our faces in our hands. Even Priya. The boy, we think, would also have had his face in his hands, but for the matter that he had his hands full of Runner, so he had to content himself with casting a suffering look towards the chubby-cheeked girl who stood beside him.

      The girl beside him, it should be noted, did not have her face in her hands either. She was looking almost amused behind her fulsome mug.

      ‘Still,’ Runner continued fearlessly, ‘the boys aren’t nearly as effective a hijacking tool as the Girl. Ladies and ladies, I present to you: the Girl.’ And then, sotto voce, to the girl, ‘I didn’t get your name.’

      Runner continued. ‘Anna. First order of business, and necessary for the historic tie-break between the two distinct factions of the Lacuna Cabal, is: Anna here must be received as a new member.’

      After a pause, Missy inquired whether Runner had gone out of her mind. Runner ruminated on the question for a moment or two before Missy just said, ‘No.’ Runner asked if we could vote on it. ‘No,’ said Missy.

      ‘Well, as it turns out, Missy,’ said Runner, ‘Anna owns the building we’re standing in. So if this were the Notre Dame Cathedral – and Missy, I’m not suggesting that if this were the Notre Dame Cathedral you’d be the Hunchback of Notre Dame Cathedral – but if this were Notre Dame Cathedral, Anna here would be the bishop, not to mention a devoted supporter of my book proposal.’

      Missy was looking flagrantly at her watch and not panicking.

      ‘It’s seven thirty anyway. We can adjourn for now and meet somewhere else tomorrow. I will not tolerate this kind of mutinous –’

      ‘Missy, I’m in the process of proposing a book.’

      ‘You’re in the process of conducting a MUTINY!’

      ‘Outrageous!’ said Runner with delight, as Missy continued.

      ‘Proposing a book, any book, using threats, using coercion that undermines the sanctity of and that stamps and spits and trammels our constitution – you’re … the Pony Palimpsest!

      Now Runner was overjoyed. ‘Don’t you call me a Pony Palimpsest.’

      Missy continued to berate Runner in a manner that might require more footnotes.

      ‘But I’m not sure you’ll accept the book any other way!’ protested Runner.

      ‘I will not accept any book this way.’

      ‘But you have to accept it whatever way will work!’

      ‘What’s the book?’

      ‘That’s the book!’

      And Runner pointed to the heap of stones at Anna’s feet.

      What did we see? We saw a pile of stones covered with small notches, some kind of writing. If there was a palimpsest there, it was literature written over archaeology. Any pony prints in that hard clay would have been left thousands of years before it was ever dug up, baked and written on.

      Still, impressive as the individual stones might have looked from an archaeological standpoint, there was nothing to suggest we were looking at a book.

      Runner had anticipated our ambivalence.

      ‘I assure you: it might appear cumbersome, but it’s a real book.’

      ‘Um,’ said Missy, who never said ‘um’. ‘What’s it called, Runner?’

      Runner bit her lip. ‘That’s a matter of opinion.’

      ‘Runner, I’m not going to choose a book that looks like that and has a title that is “a matter of opinion”.’

      ‘He Who Saw Everything. That’s what it’s called. It’s Mesopotamian. It’s pretty much the first book ever written. And if we are to hold on to our status as the premium book club, then we should be interested in reading the first book.’

      There was a pause. And a sigh.

      ‘I was going to propose Possession.’

      ‘That book is fifteen years old!’

      ‘Your book isn’t even a book. It’s a bunch of rocks.’

      ‘And I’m willing to bet we’ve all read Possession already! Every single one of us!’

      ‘Not as part of the group.’

      (Aline and Romy agreed quietly that Possession was an amazing book.)

      Runner shifted in Du’s arms. ‘I can’t argue right now. I’m in pain.’

      ‘Well, suffer,’ said Missy and immediately regretted it, since it had become clear in that moment, to her as well as the rest of us, that Runner’s leg was hanging strangely off the soldier boy’s forearm. The truth was, Missy didn’t want Runner to suffer anything but defeat, but it suddenly didn’t sound like that. She was, for this rare moment, tongue-tied.

      We were all looking at the leg. Aline finally ventured what she considered to be a reasonable argument, expressed in a tone of compromise: ‘Runner, I’m just not sure the Lacuna Cabal should be reading, like, unpublished material –’

      Unfortunately for Aline, this was the argument Runner had most hoped to receive. ‘Just fuck off, Aline, okay? Why should the Lacuna Cabal be a carbon copy of other book clubs, reading only material that has been copied ad infinitum? I just want to try this book, okay? It’s my most favourite book in the whole world and just because it’s carved in stone and it’s written in an ancient language and there’s –’

      An ancient language?

      ‘– only one copy and it looks funny or weird or whatever, doesn’t mean it sucks, Aline, okay? I bring the true experience of the prehistoric reader straight to your door. But if it sucks, we’ll switch, okay? We’ll just switch if it sucks we’ll switch, okay? Okay?’

      Aline

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