LITMIR.BIZ

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doing a good impression of a man who hated him.

      ‘What I want, Cooper, is for you to take responsibility. Be accountable.’

      ‘Like you, Granger?’

      ‘Hey, I can live with the decisions I’ve made. Question is, can you?’

      ‘Why don’t you say what’s really bugging you, Granger. Let’s clear the air once and for all.’

      Maddie cut in. ‘Hey guys, this is stupid. We’re all on the same side here… Tom, leave it.’

      Although once, a long time ago, he’d had the ability not to be goaded into arguments, that was no longer the case. She knew it. He knew it. Hell, and so did Granger. ‘No, Maddie, I want to hear what Granger has to say.’

      Not backing down either, Granger stepped forward. Real close. ‘You can’t deal with what I’ve got to say.’

      ‘Guys! Come on! Stop this… Tom, for God’s sake, come on! Please.’ Maddie signalled to Levi to do something other than just stand there. Cooper ignored anything other than what Granger was saying to him.

      ‘Try me. Come on.’

      The bitterness was entrenched in Granger’s words. Shovelled on like tar on a highway. ‘Try you? Yeah? Is that what you want? Well let’s see. You want to talk about responsibility, then why don’t we talk about just that. Let’s talk about my daughter, Ellie, and let’s talk about why you actually went to Eritrea and how it’s connected. And why when I’d given someone else the job, and I’d specifically told you not to go there, you still did.’

      Cooper crashed into silence. Span there fast. Stared ahead, not seeing Levi’s concerned expression. Not seeing Maddie’s unease. All he could see was the moment. All he could hear was Ellie shouting his name. All he…

      Jesus… No… No… He shook himself both physically and mentally out of the mesmeric memory. He wasn’t going to go there for anyone. Couldn’t go there. He stared at Granger, then looked at Levi and felt the strain in his chest. He touched his back pocket of his blue jeans feeling the blister packet of pills. Somehow comforting.

      ‘Granger, what are you talking about?’

      Dax Granger swung round. ‘Hasn’t he told you Maddison?’

      ‘Tom, what’s he talking about?’

      Granger pushed. And hard. ‘Tell them, Cooper. Tell them what this is all about.’

      ‘It’s not about anything. I just thought I’d be better doing the job than the other guy.’

      ‘Without consulting me?’

      Cooper said, ‘Yeah.’

      Granger, not intrinsically cruel but beyond angry, pushed again. Tone bitter. ‘Oh come on, Cooper, don’t give me that. That’s not how things work. You and I both know why this is happening again, why you’ve decided to throw away everything you’ve built over the past few years. Come on, tell your wife why. Surely she deserves to know doesn’t she?’

      ‘Shut up, Granger.’

      ‘Why can’t you be like the rest of us, hey? Having to deal with things even though we don’t want to. You don’t see me reaching for the funny pills or running amok or putting my wife and friend in jeopardy! But then, you know what I think. I think it’s all just one big excuse to be that prize jackass which is always bursting to get out of you… Go on, tell them. Tell them why you’ve begun to search again.’

      Cooper knew he sounded like a broken man. ‘Please, Granger, don’t do this.’

      Maddie’s face was a picture of anguish and pain and hurt. ‘Will someone tell me what the hell this is about?’

      ‘You want to tell her?’

      Cooper spoke in a controlled whisper. A mixture of pain and steely resolve.

      ‘Leave it. Okay…? Just leave it. You don’t know what you’re talking about. I’ll give you anything, Granger. But I can’t give you that… So yeah, you’re right. I can’t deal with it. I can’t talk about your daughter.’

9

      Going straight across to the cooler in the kitchen of Onyx, Cooper took out a small carton of juice which he drank down thirstily. Threw a non-alc beer to Levi.

      He felt as refreshed as he could after taking an ice cold shower which, after the showdown with Granger, was much needed. He’d put on clean clothes. His usual attire of jeans and a gray marl long sleeved top. Splashed some of Granger’s aftershave on and combed his hair and brushed his teeth and checked his hair again and then finally took a pill. Xanax. Just to get him through. Then he’d taken another one. Just to make sure.

      ‘You okay?’ asked Levi.

      ‘Yep.’

      ‘You wanna talk?’

      ‘Nope.’

      ‘Was Granger right? You been having to take some pills again?’

      Cooper didn’t bother answering. Wondered if it was because he didn’t want to lie.

      ‘You were bad on them before, Coop… Have the flashbacks come back? You not sleeping again? Is the old injury playing up? You think you need to go and see that shrink again? I mean, I could come with you and all. And if…’

      ‘If what?’

      ‘Well, if you need me, I’m here.’

      Cooper shrugged. ‘I’m fine. But thanks.’

      Levi gave him that look. The look that said he didn’t quite believe him, but he carried on talking anyway. ‘Dorothy wants to see you. She wants you to come to dinner on Sunday… maybe you could bring somebody…’ He paused, before twisting his hands like a kid does. Innocence was sure as hell being feigned. ‘… Maybe Maddie? Maybe it would be good for you two just to sit down and talk? You know, on neutral ground.’

      Cooper raised his eyebrows, shooting Levi a warning glance not to go there. He grabbed another juice. Headed to the office he shared with the others without saying another word.

10

      Walking out into the familiar cream and orange hallway filled with photos of various planes and boats always made Cooper feel he’d stepped back into the seventies. It got him every time. He didn’t mind, hell he could live with anything, but Maddie, she’d whined like a tomcat. She’d campaigned to Granger to get it changed, even bringing in samples and color charts. But each time it came to the place being re-decorated, Granger would select the same old colors and same old photos and Maddie’s complaints would start all over again.

      ‘Tom.’

      Cooper turned round. Readying himself for the showdown. Justified. Inevitable.

      ‘Whatever it is you’re going to say, Maddie, you’re right and I’m sorry but everyone now thinks you’ve left me, so it’s kind of a bit awkward explaining you haven’t.’

      ‘What are you talking about? You think I didn’t mean it? What is wrong with you? Are you really that arrogant, or is it you just don’t care enough to see and believe how I feel?’

      ‘Look, I’ll take Cora out for some ice-cream, make up for missing her birthday party.’

      It was a mix between a laugh and a snort but he got it. The derision was coming hard and fast. Straight his way.

      ‘You really don’t get it do you? It’s over. I’m not coming back. I can’t.’

      A punch in the stomach would’ve been preferable. ‘And Cora? How do you think it’s going to affect her me not being

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