LITMIR.BIZ

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thinking coming here? He never learnt. He thought each time it would be different.

      Already he could feel the tightness in his chest. And it wasn’t just the opiates. It was his warning sign. The sign telling him he had to stop. Get away. Because any minute now it was going to hurt. Hurt real bad. Memories hypoxic. Stopping him breathing. Depriving him of air.

      Turning to leave the kitchen to grab his clothes, he stopped, not wanting to, but unable to force himself to walk past without looking. To his right, where he and Ellie had planned to build a row of cream wooden cupboards, was a map. A map of Africa adorned with multi colored pins and criss-cross patterns of nylon red string, depicting the towns, the routes and ultimately the dead ends. Illustrating all the days and weeks and months which had translated to years he’d spent searching for Ellie.

      His thoughts spilled aloud. ‘Come on, Ellie. Where did you get to baby? Where the hell are you?’

      ‘Tom?’

      ‘Ellie?’

      Maddie threw down her car keys on the side as she walked into the kitchen.

      ‘What did you say…? What did you just say to me?’

      Confused, Cooper said, ‘I didn’t say anything.’

      She brushed past Cooper, her face sketched with tiredness and stress. Looking around and shaking her head she picked up a photo of Ellie and Cooper before resting her eyes on him.

      ‘Seriously? Jesus, Tom, this place is like a shrine to her. Why the hell did you get all this stuff out of the attic? Could you push me away anymore?’

      ‘What are you doing here?’

      ‘You really did skip charm school didn’t you?’

      ‘I didn’t mean it like that.’

      ‘No?’

      ‘No.’

      Maddie’s gaze drifted from Cooper to the large table in the corner of the room. Her voice accusatory. Her manner tense. She said, ‘What are they?’

      Cooper followed Maddie’s stare. He shrugged. Never met her eye. ‘Nothing.’

      ‘You’re back on those pills aren’t you?’

      ‘Maddie… look…’

      ‘Don’t, Tom. I don’t want to hear any bullshit. No more than you’ve told me already.’

      Cooper walked across to the table. Scooped the bottle of pills up. Quickly threw them in the khaki canvas bag on the floor. ‘I’m not. They’re old pills. Stuff from before. I was just having a clear out, okay? Anyway, you didn’t answer my question. How come you’re here?’

      Hands on hip and a shake of the head. ‘Well if you do turn off your phone for two days what do you expect? And you know what, Tom, some people might think a wife coming to see her husband was kind of a normal thing to do, but not you, Tom? Not you, hey? You want to just disappear whenever you feel like it and don’t give a damn how anyone else feels.’

      It was Cooper’s turn to shake his head. He licked his lips. Tried to conjure up saliva from his dry mouth. A side effect of the pills. ‘You came all this way to tell me what a hopeless husband I am? Well you wasted your time. I already know… but believe it or not, I’m sorry.’

      Her beautiful brown face flushed red. Flushed anger. ‘No, Tom, I didn’t come here to tell you how bad you are as a husband. I came to tell you our daughter wouldn’t blow out her candles at her party until her daddy came. And you know we waited. Me and her friends, Levi and Granger, and my parents all waiting for you. But guess what…’

      ‘Maddison, I’m so sorry. Is Cora okay?’

      ‘Oh she will be, once she’s put her heart back together. No little girl should have their heart broken at four years old. Especially not by her daddy.’

      ‘I don’t know what happened, I was going to come. I got her a present.’

      Maddie’s voice was loud and broken. ‘She doesn’t want a present, she wants you. That’s all, Tom. You!’ Her tone softened. ‘A bit like the rest of us.’

      ‘Please, Maddie…’

      ‘Don’t say you’re sorry, Tom because you’re not. No, I’m wrong, you are sorry but only sorry for yourself. I came to get you from Eritrea, Tom, and you couldn’t even come home to us. That hurt.’

      ‘I thought you might want some time on your own.’

      ‘No you didn’t, because you never even asked me! You came here so you could be close to her. Let me ask you something. Why did you marry me?’

      ‘What?’

      ‘Just answer me.’

      ‘Maddie, do we really need to do this?’

      Maddie cocked her head to one side. ‘Is it that hard to tell me?’

      ‘No… I just…’

      ‘Let me guess, Tom… You’re not in the mood to do emotion.’

      Cooper sighed. Hard. Heavy. Long. Real long. ‘Okay… I married you because I loved you… love you, I mean. Happy?’

      ‘Happy? Are you serious? How could I ever be happy when there are three people in this marriage? Though in our case the third one happens to be a goddamn ghost.’

      Cooper clenched his jaw. Felt the pulse on his temples. Decided to focus on something else. ‘I know I didn’t turn up to Cora’s party and I’m so sorry, but I know you, Maddie, and I know this isn’t just about that.’

      Bitter and angry and hurt and sad and trying her damnedest not to cry, she spoke evenly. ‘You’re right. You promised me, Tom. You told me no more searching. No more disappearing. Remember?’

      ‘And I didn’t… I haven’t.’

      ‘Oh come on. I’m not stupid.’

      ‘Jesus, Maddie. If this is about Eritrea, I was just doing my job. Don’t make something out of nothing.’

      ‘Sounds a bit like our marriage.’

      Cooper rubbed his face. Tried not to be drawn in. Felt irritated as hell. ‘Look, you need to get some sleep. Why don’t we go check into a motel? We can talk in the morning on our way home.’

      Maddie picked up her keys from the side. ‘You know something, Tom? When we got together five and a half years ago, my daddy warned me about you. He told me not to do it. Told me you were going to hurt me.’

      Iced. ‘Oh come on, Maddie, Marvin’s never liked me. I was never good enough for his precious daughter.’

      ‘That’s not true.’

      ‘It is and you know it.’

      ‘What I know is I’ve become one of those women I never thought I’d become.’

      ‘What are you talking about?’

      ‘The woman who thinks they can change the guy. Tries to save him but ends up drowning themselves. But you know what, no more… ’ She paused to sweep the mass of brown curls out of her face. She glanced down at nothing in particular. A faraway look in her eyes. ‘I’m leaving you, Tom.’

      ‘What? Oh come on, Maddie, don’t make this a big deal.’

      ‘You still don’t get it. There really isn’t any other way. And you know what? It hurts so bad because I love you so much, but I can’t go under with you. Not anymore. Not this time. I gotta think of Cora. The irony is I was always so afraid to lose you. But then, I don’t think I ever had you in the first place, did I?’

      With the pills making it difficult to concentrate, Cooper said, ‘Maddie… come on. You’re looking into things too deeply. You don’t have to be like this.’

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