LITMIR.BIZ

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I can, I know a shorter Way than that.

      Ha. What Way is that?

      Thr. I'll go to the Dominicans, and there I can do my Business with the Commissaries for a Trifle.

      Ha. What, for Sacrilege?

      Thr. Ay, if I had robb'd Christ himself, and cut off his Head afterwards, they have Pardons would reach it, and Commissions large enough to compound for it.

      Ha. That is well indeed, if God should ratify your Composition.

      Thr. Nay, I am rather afraid the Devil should not ratify it; God is of a forgiving Nature.

      Ha. What Priest will you get you?

      Thr. One that I know has but little Modesty or Honesty.

      Ha. Like to like. And when that's over, you'll go strait away to the Communion, like a good Christian, will you not?

      Thr. Why should I not? For after I have once discharg'd the Jakes of my Sins into his Cowl, and unburden'd myself of my Luggage, let him look to it that absolv'd me.

      Ha. But how can you be sure that he does absolve you?

      Thr. I know that well enough.

      Ha. How do you know it?

      Thr. Because he lays his Hand upon my Head and mutters over something, I don't know what.

      Ha. What if he should give you all your Sins again when he lays his Hand upon your Head, and these should be the Words he mutters to himself? I absolve thee from all thy good Deeds, of which I find few or none in thee; I restore thee to thy wonted Manners, and leave thee just as I found thee.

      Thr. Let him look to what he says, it is enough for me that I believe I am absolv'd.

      Ha. But you run a great Hazard by that Belief, for perhaps that will not be Satisfaction to God, to whom thou art indebted.

      Thr. Who a Mischief put you in my Way to disturb my Conscience, which was very quiet before?

      Ha. Nay, I think it is a very happy Encounter to meet a Friend that gives good Advice.

      Thr. I can't tell how good it is, but I am sure it is not very pleasant.

      THE COMMANDS OF A MASTER

The ARGUMENT

      This Colloquy treats of the Commands of a Master, and the Business of a Servant, 1. The Master calls up his sleepy Servant, commands him to set the House to rights; the Servant answers again, that he speaks not a Word about Dinner, &c. 2. Of sending him on various Errands. 3. Concerning Riding.

      1. Of calling up the Sleeper.

      RABANUS, SYRUS.

      RA. Soho, soho, Rascal, I am hoarse a bawling to you, and you lye snoring still, you'll sleep for ever I think in my Conscience; either get up presently or I'll rouze you with a good Cudgel. When will you have slept out your Yesterday's Debauch? Are you not asham'd, you sleepy Sot, to lye a-bed till this time of Day? Good Servants rise as soon as it is Day, and take Care to get every Thing in order before their Master rises. How loth this Drone is to leave his warm Nest! he is a whole Hour a scratching, and stretching, and yawning.

      Sy. It is scarce Day yet.

      Ra. I believe not to you; it is Midnight yet to your Eyes.

      Sy. What do you want me to do?

      Ra. Make the Fire burn, brush my Cap and Cloke, clean my Shoes and Galloshoes, take my Stockings and turn them inside out, and brush them well, first within, and then without, burn a little Perfume to sweeten the Air, light a Candle, give me a clean Shirt, air it well before a clear Fire.

      Sy. It shall be done Sir.

      Ra. But make Haste then, all this ought to have been done before now.

      Sy. I do make Haste Sir.

      Ra. I see what Haste you make, you are never the forwarder, you go a Snail's Gallop.

      Sy. Sir, I cannot do two Things at once.

      Ra. You Scoundrel, do you speak Sentences too? Take away the Chamber-Pot, lay the Bed-Clothes to Rights, draw back the Curtains, sweep the House, sweep the Chamber-floor, fetch me some Water to wash my Hands. What are you a sliving about you Drone? You are a Year a lighting a Candle.

      Sy. I can't find a Spark of Fire.

      Ra. Is it so you rak'd it up last Night?

      Sy. I have no Bellows.

      Ra. How the Knave thwarts me, as if he that has you can want Bellows.

      Sy. What an imperious Master have I gotten! Ten of the nimblest Fellows in the World are scarce sufficient to perform his Orders.

      Ra. What's that you say you slow-Back?

      Sy. Nothing at all, Sir.

      Ra. No, Sirrah, did I not hear you mutter?

      Sy. I was saying my Prayers.

      Ra. Ay, I believe so, but it was the Lord's-Prayer backwards then. Pray, what was that you were chattering about Imperiousness?

      Sy. I was wishing you might be an Emperor.

      Ra. And I wish you may be made a Man of a Stump of a Tree. Wait upon me to Church, and then run Home and make the Bed, and put every Thing in its Place; let the House be set to Rights from Top to Bottom, rub the Chamber-Pot, put these foul Things out of Sight, perhaps I may have some Gentry come to pay me a Visit; if I find any Thing out of Order I'll thresh you soundly.

      Sy. I know your good Humour well enough in that Matter.

      Ra. Then it behoves you to look about you, if you are wise.

      Sy. But all this while here is not one Word about Dinner.

      Ra. Out you Villain, one may see what your Mind runs on. I don't dine at Home, therefore come to me a little before Ten a-Clock, that you may wait upon me where I am to go to Dinner.

      Sy. You have taken Care of yourself, but there is not a Bit of Bread for me to put into my Head.

      Ra. If you have nothing to eat, you have something to hunger after.

      Sy. But Fasting won't fill the Belly.

      Ra. There is Bread for you.

      Sy. There is so, but it is as black as my Hat, and as coarse as the Bran itself.

      Ra. You dainty chap'd Fellow, you ought to be fed with Hay, if you had such Commons as you deserve. What, I warrant you, Mr. Ass, you must be fed with Plumb Cakes, must you? If you can't eat dry Bread, take a Leek to eat with it, or an Onion, if you like that better.

* * * * *

      2. Of sending about various Businesses.

      Ra. You must go to Market.

      Sy. What, so far?

      Ra. It is not a Stone's Throw off, but it seems two Miles to such an idle Fellow as you; but however, I'll save you as much Labour as I can, you shall dispatch several Businesses in one Errand; count 'em upon your Fingers, that mayn't forget any of 'em: First of all step to the Salesman, and bring my water'd Camblet Doublet if it be done; then go and enquire for Cornelius the Waggoner, he's commonly at the Sign of the Roe-buck, he uses that House, ask him if he has any Letters for me, and what Day he sets out on his Journey; then go to the Woollen Draper, and tell him from me, not to be uneasy, that I have not sent him the Money at the Time appointed, for he shall have it in a very little Time.

      Sy. When? To morrow come never?

      Ra. Do you grin you Pimp? Yes, before the first of March: And as you come back, turn on the Left-hand, and go to the Bookseller, and enquire of him, if there be any new Books come out of Germany, learn what they are, and the Price of them; then desire Goclenius, to do me the Honour to come to

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