LITMIR.BIZ

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      “Fellow-creatures!” said Mr. Rollick,—“fellow-fiddlesticks!”

      Uncle Jack was clearly in the wrong box. He drew out of it cautiously,—“I mean,” said he, “our respectable fellow-creatures;” and then suddenly it occurred to him that a “County Mercury” would naturally represent the agricultural interest, and that if Mr. Rollick said that the “‘County Mercury’ ought to be hanged,” he was one of those politicians who had already begun to call the agricultural interest “a Vampire.” Flushed with that fancied discovery, Uncle Jack rushed on, intending to bear along with the stream, thus fortunately directed, all the “rubbish”1 subsequently shot into Covent Garden and Hall of Commerce.

      “Yes, respectable fellow-creatures, men of capital and enterprise! For what are these country squires compared to our wealthy merchants? What is this agricultural interest that professes to be the prop of the land?”

      “Professes!” cried Squire Rollick,—“it is the prop of the land; and as for those manufacturing fellows who have bought up the ‘Mercury’—”

      “Bought up the ‘Mercury,’ have they, the villains?” cried Uncle Jack, interrupting the Squire, and now bursting into full scent. “Depend upon it, sir, it is a part of a diabolical system of buying up,—which must be exposed manfully. Yes, as I was saying, what is that agricultural interest which they desire to ruin; which they declare to be so bloated; which they call ‘a Vampire!’—they the true blood-suckers, the venomous millocrats? Fellow-creatures, Sir! I may well call distressed fellow-creatures the members of that much-suffering class of which you yourself are an ornament. What can be more deserving of our best efforts for relief than a country gentleman like yourself, we’ll say,—of a nominal L5,000 a-year,—compelled to keep up an establishment, pay for his fox-hounds, support the whole population by contributions to the poor-rates, support the whole church by tithes; all justice, jails, and prosecutions of the county-rates; all thoroughfares by the highway-rates; ground down by mortgages, Jews, or jointures; having to provide for younger children; enormous expenses for cutting his woods, manuring his model farm, and fattening huge oxen till every pound of flesh costs him five pounds sterling in oil-cake; and then the lawsuits necessary to protect his rights,—plundered on all hands by poachers, sheep-stealers, dog-stealers, churchwardens, overseers, gardeners, gamekeepers, and that necessary rascal, his steward. If ever there was a distressed fellow-creature in the world, it is a country gentleman with a great estate.”

      My father evidently thought this an exquisite piece of banter, for by the corner of his mouth I saw that he chuckled inly.

      Squire Rollick, who had interrupted the speech by sundry approving exclamations, particularly at the mention of poor-rates, tithes, county-rates, mortgages, and poachers, here pushed the bottle to Uncle Jack, and said, civilly: “There’s a great deal of truth in what you say, Mr. Tibbets. The agricultural interest is going to ruin; and when it does, I would not give that for Old England!” and Mr. Rollick snapped his finger and thumb. “But what is to be done,—done for the county? There’s the rub.”

      “I was just coming to that,” quoth Uncle Jack. “You say that you have not a county paper that upholds your cause and denounces your enemies.”

      “Not since the Whigs bought the ‘—shire Mercury.’”

      “Why, good heavens! Mr. Rollick, how can you suppose that you will have justice done you if at this time of day you neglect the Press? The Press, sir—there it is—air we breathe! What you want is a great national—no, not a national—A Provincial proprietary weekly journal, supported liberally and steadily by that mighty party whose very existence is at stake. Without such a paper you are gone, you are dead,—extinct, defunct, buried alive; with such a paper,—well conducted, well edited by a man of the world, of education, of practical experience in agriculture and human nature, mines, corn, manure, insurances, Acts of Parliament, cattle-shows, the state of parties, and the best interests of society,—with such a man and such a paper, you will carry all before you. But it must be done by subscription, by association, by co-operation,—by a Grand Provincial Benevolent Agricultural Anti-innovating Society.”

      “Egad, sir, you are right!” said Mr. Rollick, slapping his thigh; “and I’ll ride over to our Lord-Lieutenant to-morrow. His eldest son ought to carry the county.”

      “And he will, if you encourage the Press and set up a journal,” said Uncle Jack, rubbing his hands, and then gently stretching them out and drawing them gradually together, as if he were already enclosing in that airy circle the unsuspecting guineas of the unborn association.

      All happiness dwells more in the hope than the possession; and at that moment I dare be sworn that Uncle Jack felt a livelier rapture circum proecordia, warming his entrails, and diffusing throughout his whole frame of five feet eight the prophetic glow of the Magna Diva Moneta, than if he had enjoyed for ten years the actual possession of King Croesus’s privy purse.

      “I thought Uncle Jack was not a Tory,” said I to my father the next day.

      My father, who cared nothing for politics, opened his eyes. “Are you a Tory or a Whig, papa?”

      “Um!” said my father, “there’s a great deal to be said on both sides of the question. You see, my boy, that Mrs. Primmins has a great many moulds for our butter-pats: sometimes they come up with a crown on them, sometimes with the more popular impress of a cow. It is all very well for those who dish up the butter to print it according to their taste or in proof of their abilities; it is enough for us to butter our bread, say grace, and pay for the dairy. Do you understand?”

      “Not a bit, sir.”

      “Your namesake Pisistratus was wiser than you, then,” said my father. “And now let us feed the duck. Where’s your uncle?”

      “He has borrowed Mr. Squills’s mare, sir, and gone with Squire Rollick to the great lord they were talking of.”

      “Oho!” said my father; “brother Jack is going to print his butter!”

      And indeed Uncle Jack played his cards so well on this occasion, and set before the Lord-Lieutenant, with whom he had a personal interview, so fine a prospectus and so nice a calculation that before my holidays were over, he was installed in a very handsome office in the county town, with private apartments over it, and a salary of L500 a-year, for advocating the cause of his distressed fellow-creatures, including noblemen, squires, yeomanry, farmers, and all yearly subscribers in the New Proprietary Agricultural Anti-Innovating—Shire Weekly Gazette. At the head of his newspaper Uncle Jack caused to be engraved a crown, supported by a flail and a crook, with the motto, “Pro rege et grege.” And that was the way in which Uncle Jack printed his pats of butter.

      CHAPTER V

      I seemed to myself to have made a leap in life when I returned to school. I no longer felt as a boy. Uncle Jack, out of his own purse, had presented me with my first pair of Wellington boots; my mother had been coaxed into allowing me a small tail to jackets hitherto tail-less; my collars, which had been wont, spaniel-like, to flap and fall about my neck, now, terrier-wise, stood erect and rampant, encompassed with a circumvallation of whalebone, buckram, and black silk. I was, in truth, nearly seventeen, and I gave myself the airs of a man. Now, be it observed that that crisis in adolescent existence wherein we first pass from Master Sisty into Mr. Pisistratus, or Pisistratus Caxton, Esq.; wherein we arrogate, and with tacit concession from our elders, the long-envied title of young man,—always seems a sudden and imprompt upshooting and elevation. We do not mark the gradual preparations thereto; we remember only one distinct period, in which all the signs and symptoms burst and effloresced together,—Wellington boots, coat-tail, cravat, down on the upper lip, thoughts on razors, reveries on young ladies, and a new kind of sense of poetry.

      I began now to read steadily, to understand what I did read, and to cast some anxious looks towards the future, with vague notions that I had a place to win in

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