LITMIR.BIZ

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Now, feeling more confident, she looked at the earth from above, but didn’t see it. It was like she was watching her whole life on TV screen and was getting angry from every single mistake that she had done. Watching her wrongful life, Svetlana didn’t know where to run from the shame she experienced. She tried not to look, diverting from the view, but it didn’t seem to work. Then Svetlana started to search for other actions to improve her past, but it didn’t work either.

      She realized that past can’t be altered. It is only possible to protect yourself from improper deeds, sufferings and emotions, ones that should be dreaded. Svetlana imagined the whole complexity of this work. She made herself to ask the question: «Will I be able to overcome my pride, mightiness of my ego, or not? Or should I be drowning in that endless chasm?!» Before answering that question, Svetlana thought that upon coming back to earth, she won’t remember what is happening now and will enter the route she has walked on before for many years. She never had a single attempt to walk off that route to work on herself, to overstep the desires and principles, to break the plans, and to act in the unusual way… She was pulled down again and followed by the invisible force, remembering her earthly decision: to start a new life, to ignore seduction and to help others. Within a few moments she understood and went through the periods of life which had brought her a lot of pain. Lying on the couch at home, Svetlana still thought that she was somewhere above and didn’t pay much attention to the surrounding. In her mind she was approaching the earth, but in reality she stood up and went to the kitchen. Svetlana could not think of anything and she had unexplainable feeling that she lived in the world of dreams. She wanted to bring placidity and confidence to this world. At lightning speed, she approached the earth and admitted with horror, that she was leaving all the lucid and pure, and was getting back to wrongful and earthy.

      When the decision is taken, it is necessary to begin an arduous struggle with yourself, which is even harder when you are a woman.

      Svetlana sighted, dropping ashes on the floor, and painfully landed on the ground. Sitting on the chair, she agitated, sweat covered her forehead, everything inside was turning upside down. She sensed that earthy is winning over all pure and clean in the unfair fight. She could not affect the situation, not seeing on the earth such a clear feeling as existed there, above. She will simply die without it like a fish without water. Not remembering how she ended up on the couch, Svetlana recalled Maxim, being little boy, when she first noticed him in the crowd of the dressed up students on the first of September. They didn’t know each other at all then. First grade student came up to her and silently gave her flowers. Mature woman, used to the flowers and attention from men, was astonished by that present. All years before their next meeting she was surprised by the thoughts of this boy, understanding with horror that she was falling in love with him… She was shocked by the fact that she didn’t know his name, and that he was not much older then her son… She has a totally different love for him then for her son. This love confused Svetlana, didn’t let her live peacefully. She caught herself thinking, that the feeling was not just captivating or enjoyable. Svetlana was overanxiously afraid to confess: her love was very strong, so strong that she didn’t want anything else from this life, other then this insane, clean, virginally sincere love, essential like water, air, snow… All in life is worthless without this feeling. When she pronounced Maxim’s last name, not knowing yet that it was his, Sveta had no premonition.

      She even wanted to cry at that moment: he had such eyes! She saw the same feeling in his soul, like in the mirror and realized that she loved him even more insane. At that time, she started to worry about having a child… It was so many years ago, Gosh! Svetlana tried to run away from her thoughts but they didn’t yield. She was scared to tell it to her husband. She imagined that he would suspect something or would understand something; what he was going to understand Svetlana didn’t know. She was scared of that even more, that someone would find out about her feelings, especially her husband. When she was assured by the sincerity, honesty and even sanity of Maxim, she still doubted her strengths. Then, finding courage, under control of that fear she could not control herself, and under the influence of the strength of emotions she finished her plan to the following consequences. «What did I do? Heavenly Father»! Sveta covered her face with hands and started to cry, letting tears flow and thought that those tears would be the last in her life, that now she would surely change and become a different person. However, Maxim’s love was torturing Svetlana all the time, as if someone was leading her, following all her steps, not giving a chance to walk freely. Svetlana, searching for a solution, was getting confused and could not concentrate on her actions, saying not what she wanted, but something that was against her thoughts and wishes. As it seemed she was making mistakes, acting with little benefits for herself, and with more for others. Svetlana berated herself for that, thinking, that weakness and uncertainty made her act this way. Time was passing by, her actions made other people happy; then she looked at herself differently. Not stepping on herself, her pride and ambitions, her ego, she would not be able to bring so much positive, unless she was guided by this life. Why does she feel she is so weak, or vice versa, so strong? Svetlana could not figure that out, letting the time giving the answer to that.

      Interesting, how does this feeling affect Maxim? Turns out very strange: he is so young, but he is the force which guides her… Facial expression of her face changed, this thought intimidated her. How about the age? Life experience? All that only comes with time. «Time and his strength took away the ability to have children… For what?!» – Sveta cried, closing face with palms. At that moment it seemed that tears were the remaining of weakness she was not free from yet. Svetlana cried till the thoughts which provoked tears disappeared. Getting the last energies, she calmed down and took herself together.

      She remembered the moment of the car accident very calmly, not worrying about anything. She tried to remember every detail and to understand their importance. Suddenly she realized that all the years of her suffering – about ten years – narrowed to the couple of moments which led to the result which took her dream away. Right now she can’t return things to how they were, she needs help from outside. Who can help her in that, she does not know. Telling herself that she needs to wait again, Svetlana smiled and thought that at the situations like this only frantic love can help. She has that kind of love! She became petrified. Maxim! Maxim! Maxim! This is what I need to wait for! His actions! But what kind of actions? What can he do, when he just loves me – it does not matter that he loves me like a woman and I love him like a man! We can’t have any relationship anyway! And I need a baby! Svetlana didn’t hold tears again, so they were running down her face and she ignored them. Recalling the doctor’s words, she got even more confused: she is healthy, but her psychological trauma is the compelling challenge which restrains her. This wall – her own creation, made up in years, which is now becoming the grandest obstacle to her dream.

      Rejecting those thoughts, Svetlana concentrated on Maxim: «He does not know anything. How can he help me if he only has a year and a half in school? After graduation, he would leave my life forever, and then I would leave. What would happen then»? Svetlana hold her tears, worries and fear of the unknown, and then suddenly realized that all her destiny depends on the «little boy». If he can help her, then she will be happy, if not – she won’t be. She felt unbearably miserably. Svetlana always tried to do everything herself – absolutely everything; if she had help, help was coming from mature influential people. Even those people had problems: they knew how to do something, but knowledge didn’t give strength; not everything worked – they did mistakes as well. Destiny was cruel to them, very cruel. No one is going to act at this time and she is too scared even to think of it. Svetlna imagined: Maxim – such innocent young man is holding her on his arms. Her, a mature and independent woman, who can achieve everything that she wants! What is the most important for her – it is this boy. But at the same time Svetlana was not in doubts, feeling the power of his love, and thought that she believed in him. «Yes! I need to believe in him and hope hundred times more then I love him»! – Svetlana said to herself. – In the modern world I have never met more honest, clean and flawless person, free from sins and wicked motives; ideal, with the white-colour soul and brightening sight which I noticed behind the flowers. I shall work on myself, shall be stronger and smarter to have the same light. Then he will see my shine, which would reveal all my sufferings and torturing. He will easily cope with them and will relieve me from the psychological trauma. There is no need to think how and why. There is a need

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