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the 8-year-old is also the hired clown.

      Anyway, the file on Farage here in the US is as old as his dress sense. We need some fresh data on him before the rally. Axworthy are keen for us to monitor his and Trump’s relationship in case DJT is elected in November. It’s almost as if our superiors know something we don’t.

      Please could you provide a quick doc of any info that could be useful? We know that he’s a divisive political figure in the United Kingdom and we also know that it’s impossible to gauge where his neck ends and his head begins but that’s about it.

      Look forward to hearing from you.

      Marty

From:	M [mailto: [email protected]]
Sent:	25th August 2016 10:51
To:	Martin Doherty [mailto: [email protected]]
Subject:	Farageband

      Dear McFly,

      Thanks for your email.

      I have attached a quick fact file on Farage, though quite why Axworthy thinks their relationship is worth monitoring is beyond me. Trump has obviously been advised by his cabal of degenerate carpet sharks that associating with the current leading light in modern British bigotry will help globalise his campaign and, crucially, galvanise anti-liberal feeling across the west.

      But let’s be in no doubt: this fling is for one night only. The frothy-mouthed, corduroy-cap-wearing Dad’s Army caricature will no doubt enjoy watching his divisive rhetoric being hoovered up by Trump’s hardcore army tonight, but trust me, as soon as Farage has endorsed Trump, the honeymoon will be over. It’ll be ‘Back to Sevenoaks with you and make your own way to the airport, puddle-mouth’.

      Farage to Trump is just a doorman. And once he’s opened that door, Farage is expendable. He’s just a man. Standing alone by a door. Wearing a silly hat.

      But who am I to argue against the strategies of our superiors? Hope the file is more use than the man himself.

      Best,

      M.

      Thursday 25th August 2016

      Nigel Farage – What to Know

      Frankly, the less you know about him the better: it’s like asking for a fact file on warts or poisonous insects. Who really wants to know? What follows are a few pointers. If you need anything else, God forbid, let me know.

       Farage and UKIP

      Farage has an odd relationship with his own party. As leader he clearly possessed lofty ambitions for its development and future but, regrettably for him, the extraordinary way in which the party attracted the country’s most dangerously ignorant, jingoistic dimwits meant that, on the face of it, UKIP would always come across as rather pantomimic. Less mainstream political party, more Mad Hatter’s Tea Party.

      When Farage tried resigning in 2015, the party refused to accept his resignation because they knew without him at the helm throwing his weight around in Europe (and appearing on BBC’s Question Time more often than the theme tune) the curtain would well and truly be ripped away, exposing UKIP as the wildly ineffectual, tinpot rabble of blustering lunatics we always suspected it to be.

       Farage and Europe

      He savours every moment in the European Parliament – not because his supporters back home see him as a modern British crusader against European federalism, but because he enjoys being a nuisance. And that’s what puts the sugar in his tea: being loathed. This is because loathing leads to rage, rage leads to fighting and fighting leads to discord, political splits, divisive rhetoric and extreme policies. A four-course meal made in heaven, for Nige.

      You only have to look at his boiled face to know what motivates him. He’s like Dennis Hopper in Blue Velvet, only the gas in the tank is continental disdain.

       Farage and the US

      We understand Farage has close links with Trump’s chief strategist and part-time offal impersonator Steve Bannon. One can only imagine what the discourse is like:

      ‘So our team in the US is gonna create political intolerance throughout the western world via a highly sophisticated campaign of Russian-backed social media infiltration.’

      ‘Righty-o.’

      ‘What about you?’

      ‘I’m going to complain to the BBC for editing racial colloquialisms out of old sitcoms.’

      ‘Sorry, what?’

       Farage and the Environment

      Farage doesn’t have time for climate change. Not yet anyway. When he’s hurriedly adapting his Range Rover Discovery into an amphibious 4x4 and propelling himself into town for marked-up lifejackets from House of Fraser, then he’ll have time for it. But at the moment he’s one of those rah-rah-pish-and-nonsense puffins who believe the green agenda to reverse the damage done to the world is nothing but a liberal scam. Quite how saving the planet can be interpreted as some sort of hoax is a theory I’ve yet to fully comprehend.

       Farage and Smoking

      Farage was against the public smoking ban and saw his own habit as an act of solidarity and defiance. This is the kind of man you’re dealing with: someone who smokes a cigarette indoors and thinks they’re Thomas Becket.

       Miscellaneous Farage Data I’ve Made Up That Might Not Be True But Probably Is

      1) He has a glass-fronted cabinet in the living room full of dubious-looking porcelain figurines.

      2) He has a functioning VHS recorder.

      3) He has an ornately framed oil painting of a horse and cart on the wall above his bed.

      4) He never makes eye contact with anyone who works in a coffee shop.

      5) Whenever he smells a barbecue in his neighbourhood, he calls the police.

      6) He never shares a sharing bag of chocolates.

      7) Whenever he witnesses someone breast-feeding in public, he calls the police.

      8) He never asks where the toilets are in a restaurant, believing it to be a sign of weakness.

      9) He has never ridden a pedalo.

      10) He smells all fruit with suspicion before putting it in his shopping basket.

      11) He has a wavy front-garden hedge of which he is overly proud.

      12) When he has a builder in his house, he calls him ‘matey’.

      13) He has a Tower of London Beefeater costume he puts on when he’s alone and sad.

      14) His computer has a maximum-sized cursor that takes up a quarter of the screen.

      15) He doesn’t understand the system at Argos.

      16) He once sat in the children’s sandpit in a recreational park for forty minutes talking about border controls to a sock puppet on his hand.

      17) He doesn’t cook very often, but when he does, he wears an apron with a tea towel over the shoulder and he says ‘make room make room make room’ when he takes something out of the oven.

      18) He will press the button on the pedestrian crossing a little bit harder than you just to make sure.

      19) He has a little stool in his garage for cleaning the roof of his car.

      20) A little fucking stool. You know he does.

      Diary: Thursday 1st September 2016

      Day off today. It’s a welcome break. Axworthy and Downing Street are having a spat over an ‘access to Theresa May’ lunch being held during the Conservative

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