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[email protected]]Sent:12th July 2016 06:45To:[email protected]Subject:PM May’s Maiden Speech Notes

      Dear All,

      Thank you for sending me Prime Minister May’s speech ahead of her address this afternoon. It is clear from giving it the once-over that you made the rookie mistake all new speechwriters commit: letting the person reading it out have anything to do with it. Bless you.

      But let me remind you that when a toddler asks if they can play with the remote control, you take the batteries out first so they can’t do any damage. By all means, let the PM believe she’s written it, just ensure it is signed off without a single comma in it attributable to her.

      I know it sounds like an impossible task but over the years this will become second nature to you. Politicians are not writers. If they were, they wouldn’t need writers.

      For future reference, always write the PM’s speeches when she’s not in the same room as you. Keep her at arm’s length. Perhaps you should set up your writing room adjacent to a room full of distractions like a fancy Nespresso machine or a half-finished jigsaw of a lovely mountain. Whatever. Just stall her.

      Having said that, it’s not a bad first attempt. See my notes below:

       ‘In David Cameron I follow in the footsteps of a great modern prime minister.’

      Get her to rehearse this line to ensure she can deliver it without smirking.

       ‘. . . fighting against the burning injustice that if you’re born poor you will die on average nine years earlier than others.’

      I would lose this part. You can’t paint yourself as a bastion of social equality arriving to shake things up if you’ve been at the heart of government since 2010. What has she been doing the last six years if she wasn’t fighting burning injustices as Home Secretary? Learning the flute? Making her own plum jam?

       ‘When we take the big calls we will think not of the powerful, but of you. When we pass new laws we will listen not to the mighty, but to you.’

      Again, lose this. The general public sees through empty statements. They know the rich and powerful still hold all the cards and that that’s why there are more tax loopholes in this country than there are arseholes in Westminster.

      That should do for now. No point burdening you with heavy notes for a maiden speech: they’re famously scant on detail and you don’t want to defy decades of tradition by making the PM say anything significant.

      Best of luck,

      M.

      Diary: Wednesday 10th August 2016

      Woken at two a.m. by our man in Washington. It seems Trump has said if Hillary Clinton becomes president and gets to pick her judges there will be nothing the American public can do about her taking away the second amendment; then hinted to those who carry arms that there is one other way.

      So he essentially joked that she should be shot. Luckily the United States doesn’t have a strong historical association with assassinated leaders, so this is fine.

      Axworthy are becoming increasingly concerned that if Trump does become POTUS, and therefore automatically our client, we’ll be working tirelessly around the clock, pouring all our resources into this dangerously inept plum cake and putting too much strain on the already stretched team.

With that in mind, I may suggest to the top brass that – for the first time in fifty years – the Axworthy organisation retracts its longstanding services to the presidency. I imagine that’ll go down about as well as when I suggested a birthday cake ban in the office.*

* There are just too many February birthdays. By the beginning of March my blood type is Colin the Caterpillar.

      NOTES

      25/08/16

      IDEAS FOR NON-CONTROVERSIAL / NEUTRAL / UNINTERESTING / DULL HOLIDAY DESTINATIONS FOR PM MAY

      Nowhere in the EU – The severity of pro-Leave zealotry in the country right now would mean those beetroots interpreting any jaunt across the Channel as something akin to urinating against the White Cliffs of Dover whilst dressed as a baguette. Which would at least be a cheaper excursion to arrange.

      Tulum, Mexico – Instagram influencers are flocking here for the interesting architecture, gorgeous coast and vegan food, which could give the PM some cred. The only drawback is her presence could automatically suck all the cred out of Tulum, so by the time she left the place, it would have the same appeal as Tamworth.

      Canary Islands – Despite being in the EU, Spanish islands are always a good bet; Brits see them as a kind of hot Southend. I’m sure a lot of Brexiteers think we own them. The problem with this option is the PM would have to hide her disdain for the other Brits holidaying out there too. And generally speaking, her disdain-hiding abilities are woeful: looks like a cat in its basket on the way to the vet’s.

      The Swiss Alps – She’s always banging on about her love for hiking so this could be a warmly-welcomed suggestion. We could take photos of her looking relaxed, wearing sunglasses, smiling, enjoying life, leaning on a Nordic pole and staring off into the distance, thinking about stricter prison reforms.

      Disneyland, Paris – Strictly speaking this is in the EU, but Disneyland is great for pun-laden puff pieces. ‘PM Vows Not to Take the Mickey When It Comes to the Brexit Withdrawal Agreement’, ‘“I Won’t Make Any Goofs on the Intervention in Yemen,” says PM After Hair-Raising Teacup Ride’, ‘When It Comes to Border Controls, I Haven’t Gone Jafar Enough’, etc.

      Devon or Cornwall – Plenty of Tory voters, lots of places to have a cream tea and two of the few regions in the UK that will make her look positively dynamic.

      Dubai – Cons: built by modern-day slavery. Pros: lovely aquarium.

      USA – A brief informal visit to see Hillary might help establish a much-needed diplomatic bond ahead of her election win.

      Oxfordshire – I’d like to send the PM to a sleepy Oxfordshire village for a week on the off-chance that the murder of a wealthy local developer takes place at the same time. I just think she’d make a good TV detective. Philip as her trusty sidekick… Maybe there could be a series: ‘The Hiking Detective’? That could be her thing. Like Sherlock Holmes and his violin. OK, yes, I’m bored of this list now.

From:	Martin Doherty [mailto: [email protected]]
Sent:	25th August 2016 10:23
To:	M [mailto: [email protected]]
Subject:	Farageband

      Hello M,

      How’s the Westminster turd-polishing business?

      Just thought I should touch base with you re this Nigel Farage. He’s on our radar today because he’s in Mississippi with Trump for one of his cheering-and-balloon extravaganzas. Have you

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