LITMIR.BIZ

       Go for walks: There’s no better time to discuss something than when you go for a stroll.You have privacy because only the two of you are there.You have few distractions. Leave your smartphone home (unless a real emergency is pending).By walking, you’ll be expending energy — energy that may otherwise be used in fighting. You’ll find that, if you discuss issues while being active instead of passive, you’ll be much less likely to squabble over the little things.

       Go out on dates: I know that if you have children finding the time and the money to go on dates can be hard, but having some extended periods of time that you can devote to each other is really important. If you don’t have any grandparents around, try to find another couple with whom you can exchange baby-sitting duties. If you can’t afford a fancy restaurant, go to McDonald’s, order your Big Mac to go, and park somewhere quiet for an hour or so. Better yet, make your own picnic lunch.

       Get a lock for your bedroom door: I’m always surprised to find couples who don’t have this little necessity. Your kids need to know that sometimes Mommy and Daddy want to be alone — just to talk or for other, more private reasons. A hook-and-eye type lock costs only about a dollar, and it can be the best investment you ever make. This not only offers you privacy, but it also teaches your kids that loving parents need their alone time too.

       Turn down the volume: Some people seem to always need background noise, be it the TV or music. Even if the noise is not loud enough to stop conversation, it’s still a distraction to conversation. Because time for communication is already short, both of you have to give each other your full attention if you want to really impart information. And when you get in your car together, don’t automatically put on some tunes. Drive time can be great conversation time.

       Organize and prioritize: With busy schedules, not getting scattered is hard. You keep saying “We’ll talk soon,” and even though you share the same living space, soon becomes later and later becomes never. Yes, you have things that you must do, but are they all more important than talking to each other? Make a list of what you have to do (dress the kids, walk the dog) and put conversation with your spouse as close to the top as you can. In fact, you should set aside some time every day, or at least every week, which is your time when you can talk about important matters. Make this a ritual for yourselves.

       Turn off your phone: Just because there’s a ringtone or little chime telling you’ve got a new email or text message doesn’t mean that it always gets first crack at your attention. Sometimes you just have to decide that you won’t make room for interruptions. If the two of you have finally found time to sit down and have a conversation, interrupting those precious moments makes no sense. Nobody is more important to you than your spouse, right?

       If you have half an hour, and your spouse isn’t around, write him or her a letter. Explain how you feel so you can get a jump start when you do get the chance to talk. How your letter gets there — via post office, text, or e-mail — is up to you.

       You can also jot down brief messages on sticky notes and leave them someplace where your spouse is sure to see them. Just make sure that those short notes aren’t always passing on a chore, or your spouse will dread seeing them rather than view them as something to look forward to.

       He did that, so I won’t do this.

       She didn’t let me do this, so I won’t let her do that.

       Last year we didn’t go to the dance, so I won’t go to his family picnic.