Sex For Dummies - Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

Скачать книгу

and not rely on merely being able to say no.

      A woman who is naked in bed with a man is extremely vulnerable. To count on being able to say no in order to prevent unwanted intercourse is, in my opinion, too risky. That’s not to say that there aren’t scenarios where it is perfectly safe. If the two people have a good relationship, have engaged in sexual activity, and both of them understand that intercourse is not on the table, that is a different story. They’ve gradually come to this position and trust each other. The dangerous situation I’m alluding to is when two people don’t know each other that well — perhaps there is an added vulnerability provided by alcohol or drugs — and she willingly takes off all her clothes but hasn’t made up her mind to go all the way. I’m not excusing a potential rape, I’m just saying that the potentiality increases. Some men will stop at hearing no, but others won’t. It would be a rape, but they’re so sexually aroused that it clouds their sense of right and wrong.

      So my point is, if a woman absolutely wants to protect herself from being raped, she should never put herself in a position where her only line of defense is the word no. To me this is just plain common sense based on what I know about human behavior. And my conscience would bother me if I didn’t state my position as plainly as possible.

      There was a time when holding hands and kissing might be as far as a couple would go until they were married. Today those barriers have disappeared, and premarital sex is commonplace. In fact, with the way sex is depicted in the media and talked about in the locker room, there is actual pressure not to wait until marriage — or maybe even past the third or fourth date. But you shouldn’t let that pressure affect you.

      remember Your decision as to how far to go and when should be based on how you feel, not on the behavior of anyone else — certainly not fictional characters or gross exaggerations.

      But having said that doesn’t mean that you aren’t affected by peer pressure. If you’re wavering between yes and no, peer pressure will have a role in your final decision; there’s no avoiding that. To think that you’re immune to peer pressure would be foolish.

      Some people decide that it’s not worth arguing with themselves about when is the right moment to have sex and just take the plunge at the first opportunity. If the sex is good, that ends up being a plus on the side of this new relationship, and if it’s so-so or even bad, that might be cause enough to nip the relationship in the bud.

      

I’m not against one-night stands where both people are in it just to find sexual satisfaction. As long as they’re careful to protect against an unintended pregnancy or disease, I don’t take a moral stand regarding this behavior. But where I part ways with those who jump into bed is if their stated goal is to look for love. Having sex with someone before you really understand your emotions for each other can skew matters. Let’s say you have sex, and it’s terrific. You’ll then want to do it again. But maybe this person isn’t someone you feel you could ever fall madly in love with. Now you’re “wasting” your time, with regards to finding love, with this sexual partner. On the other hand, two people who have a strong connection can learn how to please each other with time. So just because an initial sexual experience wasn’t the best shouldn’t be the cause to automatically rule this person out.

      IS HOLDING HANDS SEX?

      On the one hand, the question “Is holding hands sex?” seems silly, but there are many people today who don’t consider oral or anal sex as being sex, reserving that term for intercourse only, so the first point I’d like to make is that all physical contact falls on the continuum known as sex. And the continuum is different depending on who you are.

      If you’re an Orthodox Jew, shaking hands with someone of the opposite sex is forbidden, even though most people would never think of this gesture as being at all sexual. On the other hand, for many Europeans, kissing both cheeks as a way of greeting is perfectly acceptable, even mandatory, and there is no sexual connotation whatsoever.

      If two people meet, sense an attraction, and hold hands, that gesture falls on the continuum of sexuality. How long before it leads to actual intercourse is unknown, but the possibility that it’s heading that way becomes real at that first touch. And that’s why how you handle this simple gesture, having someone try to take your hand, has consequences. For example, if a man tries to hold the hand of a woman and she just pulls her hand away gently, that sends a different signal than if she pulls it away and quickly sticks it in her coat pocket.

      When you’re in love

      If you’re in love, the introduction of sex will come naturally. You’ll both want to have it, and you won’t be afraid of what will happen. Your love will give you both the confidence that, no matter what happens, the relationship will continue and you’ll both be able to improve, assuming any improvements are needed.

Falling in love can be a shared experience or a one-way experience. If it’s shared, if you’re both in love and have said those magic words to each other, then I see no reason to delay in moving forward on the sexual continuum if you’re both ready to do so. But if you’re in love and the other person isn’t reciprocating that emotion, I would advise putting on the brakes. If you start using sex in order to hold onto somebody for the wrong reasons, you’ll probably end up hurt.

      When you like each other — but you’re not sure it’s love

      remember At this point let me be clear that I’m not saying that two people who have sex must be on the road to marriage. Every relationship isn’t going to last. And every marriage isn’t guaranteed to last either. What I do advise is that there exist a strong emotional pull between the two of you, one that at least has the potential to be permanent. That way, having sex will make the relationship stronger rather than drive a wedge between the two of you, as can happen when two people who don’t have strong feelings for each other have sex.

      Other considerations

      Are there other considerations when it comes to deciding to go ahead and have sex with someone? Definitely. Here are few important ones:

       Do you feel safe with this person? You’re very vulnerable when you have sex with someone. You’re naked, and at the moment of orgasm the rest of the world gets shut out. If you perceive, either consciously or subconsciously, any sort of dangerous vibe coming from this person, that’s going to interfere with your sexual pleasure. You’ll be less able to let go. And if your gut is offering up warning signs, maybe you should listen.

       Does this person make you feel good about yourself? None of us has a perfect body. Clothing masks a lot of imperfections. Take that clothing off, and you’ll likely feel some degree of embarrassment — at least for the initial few times. So does this other person make you feel good about yourself? If you can’t answer yes, maybe you should think

Скачать книгу