Sex For Dummies - Dr. Ruth K. Westheimer

Скачать книгу

      Think positive

      In younger people, hope springs eternal. The older we get, the wiser we may become but also the more jaded. It’s easy to give off negative vibes instead of positive ones. And that can start on your app profile. If you begin by stating everything you don’t like, even basic items like no smoking or drugs, you’re affecting how anyone looking at your profile will judge you. That’s not to say that somewhere along the way you can’t mention a few no-nos, but don’t lead off with them and keep the list as short as possible.

      Remember The more enthusiasm you show in your profile, the more enthusiastic is the response likely to be. And that’s true whatever your age.

      When you picture two people on a date the first thought that pops into your head is probably either meeting for drinks or dinner. Both are good options because they provide an atmosphere conducive to conversation. But when you’re getting to know someone, conversation can be a little difficult because you don’t have a common history that is useful in pushing a conversation forward. So perhaps you should consider alternative venues for your dates.

      I spoke to one young man who likes to take first dates to play miniature golf. It’s an activity, so right away you have something to talk about, i.e. the game you’re playing. But it doesn’t take a lot of concentration, and you’re in close proximity so you can also talk about other subjects.

      Dating well while spending less

      Miniature golf is also inexpensive, as would be going for a walk in the park, bowling, or meeting at a Starbucks. Because of the dating apps, some people go on a lot of dates, and that can lead to a lot of money being spent. And since it’s often the man who picks up the tab, that can be a financial burden. But even if you always share the cost, after a while it can add up.

      “So how much does a beer at a bar cost?” you might be saying to yourself. You’re right, not that much but there’s another aspect to changing the setting of your dates. If Tinder has led some young lady you date to have ten dates in the last month, and nine of them were at a bar, she’s more likely to remember the date that took place at a miniature golf establishment. So you not only save money but also add to the impact you make.

      Adding creativity

      Another trap that you can fall into if you go on a lot of dates because of an app is that you get jaded. The questions you’ll be asked will all be similar, and so when you’re giving your answers, you’ll be bored saying the same thing over and over. So I suggest you find ways to add some creativity to these first dates.

      One way would be to bring a book. (I know, you normally read books on your phone, but bear with me.) If you’re the first one to arrive, the book gives you something to do besides look at your phone, and remember, I want you not to be thinking about all the distractions on your phone, so if it’s put away, you’ll be better off. And then by putting a book down on the table, it’s almost a given that it will be the first subject of discussion.

      You need to choose the book carefully. The subject matter should be one that interests you and about which you have a lot to say. If the book is about science, a topic you’re passionate about, and your date turns out to share that passion, the date will be starting off on the right foot.

      Or let’s say your biological clock is ticking and you’re looking to find a potential father, bringing a magazine that has an article on raising children would be a lead-in to that topic. If the person opposite you indicates in words or body language that having children isn’t something that appeals to him or her, then you’ll know that this date won’t pan out for you.

      Let me end this chapter with a question that’s on the mind of many people, whether or not you should have sex at the end of a first date. While I can’t say that you should never do that, I would advise against it.

      Remember, to me, a date is the first step towards forming a long-lasting relationship. The slower that process, the better. If you rush into anything, you’re more likely to make a mistake. If you give yourself time to think and make a plan of action, success is more likely to come your way. So don’t rush into having sex.

      For more of my thoughts and advice on introducing sex into a relationship, check out Chapter 5.

      Introducing Sex into a Relationship

      IN THIS CHAPTER

      

Talking about timing and consent

      

Should you be in love?

      

Keeping yourself and your partner safe

      The early stages of a relationship can resemble taking a walk in the forest wearing blindfolds. You’re still learning each other’s signals and body language. You think you’re ready to have sex with this person, but you’re not sure they’re ready to have sex with you (or vice versa). What do you do?

      I call myself old-fashioned and a square. I think that having to ask permission before doing something as harmless as reaching for your date’s hand is unnecessary. To me, having to ask about every little process in the dating game takes away too much of the romance. So asking for permission might ruin the moment, potentially ending the relationship before it has a chance to really get started. And yet I admit that in years past a lot of women were finding themselves being made very uncomfortable, or worse.

      The point of cultural changes, embodied in such phrases as “No means No” or “Yes Means Yes,” isn’t to make dating harder but rather to make sure that communications between two people in a growing sexual relationship function optimally. Sometimes that’s going to mean verbalizing a request, and other times that won’t be necessary. And most importantly, for this improvement in communications to take place, both halves of the couple have to be working in unison.

      I write about rejection in Chapter 4. Having a date pull away his or her hand is a form of rejection, without a doubt, but it’s not as harsh as being told, “No, I don’t want to hold your hand.” So I would hope that in the early stages of a relationship, at least, such physical cues will remain in your communications arsenal.

      Eventually these new rules are going to settle into an accepted pattern and the difficulties of adapting to them will lessen. They won’t totally disappear because some awkwardness is built into the process. But we’re in a period of transition, and so everyone just has to be extra patient as people don’t come with a label reading Level 1, 2 or 3, indicating how much of a stickler for the new rules he or she is.

      Before going any further into this subject matter, I’d like to go over a position that I hold with regards to “No Means No” that some consider

Скачать книгу