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not that exact mess but basically, yes.’

      I was getting pretty annoyed but strangely Fifty was smiling.

      ‘Go on, tell us the magic ingredient in your plan, Merlin,’ he said.

      SPECIAL TALENTS

      JONNO: Brainwashing people to make them do crazy things.

      COPPER PIE: Eating masses of food very fast and not getting fat.

      FIFTY: Hide and seek, fits into impossibly small spaces.

      BEE: Picking her nose with her tongue AND winning ‘guess the name of the doll’ and ‘how many sweets in the jar’ at EVERY school fair.

      KEENER: Remembering phone numbers and car registrations (would make good spy if bit braver).

      Jonno shrugged. ‘We make an ear shape out of something else. We cover the doors to make sure no one sees us stick it on. It won’t look great but the “magic”, if there is any, is human nature. As long as the ear is roughly the same shape and colour as the old one, no one will notice because people see what they expect to see. Not what’s really there. It’s a fact.’

      ‘Are you telling me that if we stick a cauliflower to the side of Charles Stratton’s head no one will realise?’ I said, expecting everyone to laugh.

      No one did.

      ‘As long as the cauliflower’s roughly the right size and colour . . . yes.’ Jonno’s face was completely serious.

      ‘You’re mad,’ I said.

      ‘Rugby players have cauliflower ears. They get squashed in the scrum and their ears go bumpy,’ said Copper Pie. We ignored him.

      ‘Perhaps it’s not mad,’ said Fifty, who had been quite quiet. ‘Have you ever heard your mum say to your dad, “Darling, do you notice anything different about me?”’ He used a squeaky girly voice and ran his fingers through his curls. ‘And your dad stands there with absolutely no idea what she’s on about, and your mum spins round and your dad’s sweating, knowing he hasn’t got a clue, willing his eyes to spot what’s improved or changed colour, or disappeared altogether, and he says, “New haircut? New dress? Facelift?”

      ‘And she shakes her head and looks annoyed and he tries even harder, “New earrings? No glasses?” (She doesn’t even wear glasses.) “You’ve lost weight?”

      ‘And finally, before she slams the door in his face, she says, “I’ve had the enormous hairy mole removed from my chin”.’

      ‘That’s what happened when Dad grew his beard. Mum didn’t notice for weeks,’ said Copper Pie.

      ‘So do you mean everyone will see our mashed-potato ear or whatever it is, but in their heads they’ll see the old one?’ said Bee.

      ‘Almost. Although I think the point is that they won’t even see the new ear,’ said Jonno. ‘If you see something everyday you don’t really look at it at all, you just use the picture you have in your head from before.’

      ‘Please revert to saved image,’ said Fifty, in a robot voice.

      ‘Cool,’ said Copper Pie.

      Amazing. They all believed him. Just like that. All we had to do was put a bit of cauliflower covered with grey mould on the founder’s head and, according to Jonno, it had never happened.

      I wasn’t going to make a fuss but I had my doubts.

      ‘OK. Best material for the ear. Any suggestions?’ said Jonno.

      Fifty: ‘Dough.’

      Me: ‘Pastry.’

      Bee: ‘Blu-Tack.’

      Me: ‘I know, that foam that you fill cracks with.’

      Copper Pie: ‘Plasticine. Pitta bread.’

      Fifty: ‘Cardboard.’

      Bee: ‘Rice cakes.’

      Fifty: ‘Wet nappies – they look grey.’

      Bee: ‘A shell.’

      Copper Pie: ‘Bogies.’

      Bee took over. ‘Zip it. All of you.’ We all did what she said. We usually do. ‘I have no idea how to make an ear —’

      ‘Nor me,’ said Copper Pie.

      Bee looked at me, Fifty and Jonno. ‘So why don’t you three make one while you’re here at Keener’s for tea?’

      ‘Fine by me,’ I said.

      ‘Same,’ said Fifty.

      ‘Good. That means we can concentrate on working out how we get the thing stuck on without being seen,’ said Bee.

      ‘What time does school open?’ asked Jonno.

      Copper Pie looked at his watch. ‘Oh no! I’m meant to be home. I’ve got to go.’

      ‘A few minutes won’t make any difference. And anyway, I’ll come with you. Your mum never shouts when I’m there,’ said Bee.

      ‘Yes, she does.’

      ‘Well, she might not today.’

      ‘So when does school open?’ I said. I’m never there till just before the bell.

      ‘Quarter past eight,’ said Copper Pie. He gets in early to avoid all the babies arriving at his house. His mum runs a nursery on the bottom floor and they do their living in the top two.

      ‘OK,’ said Jonno. ‘Let’s meet at eight-fifteen at the end of that alley near —’

      ‘No. Not the alley,’ we all said before he could finish.

      ‘Make it the bus stop,’ said Bee.

      Jonno looked confused but changed the plan anyway. ‘OK.’

      ‘Agreed, said Bee. ‘But then what?’

      ‘First thing is to make sure no one comes in while we’re fixing Stratton’s hearing aid, so how about this: we spill some water and then guard the doors and tell everyone who tries to come in, “The floor’s slippery so go round the back, please”.’

       Not bad, but . . .

      ‘What if a teacher comes along, or the Head?’ I asked.

      ‘They never do,’ said Copper Pie. ‘The back door’s nearer the car park and they go straight up the back stairs to the staffroom to down double-strength coffee before they have to face us.’

      ‘But what about the ones who come on the bus . . . or walk?’ I asked.

      ‘We could try and send them round the back,’ said Bee. ‘And if they insist on coming in we show them the water . . . I suppose.’ She looked at Jonno – surely bossy Bee wasn’t checking to see what he thought.

      ‘That would work fine,’ said Jonno. ‘All their concentration will be on the wet floor, which will stop them looking at the statue. And if anyone’s coming through, whoever’s guarding the door can shout something like, “Don’t slip, Miss,” as a warning, so the ear surgeons have time to get away from Charlie Stratton before they’re caught.’

      ‘What if we’re told off for playing with water?’ said Fifty. ‘Hey, do you remember that water tray we had in Reception with the sailing boats?’

      ‘Grow up, Fifty,’ said Bee. ‘We can say we think it was the cleaners who did it.’

      ‘Sounds good to me. All bases covered. I’ve got to go. Come on, Bee.’ Copper Pie was up and ready to run.

      ‘Hang on,’ said Bee. ‘Who’s doing what?’

      ‘I’m always there early so I’ll guard the main door.’ Copper Pie’s suggestion

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