e: A Novel - Matt Beaumont

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you for your co-operation.

      Ken Perry

      Office Administrator

      Liam O’Keefe – 3/1/00, 5.36pm

      to… Brett Topowlski

      cc…

      re… PHWOOOAR!

      Just clocked her. Registered 9.6 on the Totty Scale. And when she opens her gob she sounds like a Boddington’s bird. Brace yourselves – I happened to get chatting to her – like you do – and she’s coming to BZ with us. Be there in fifteen. Her name’s Lorraine – Lol to her close mates.

      David Crutton – 3/1/00, 6.09pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… fucking ghost ship

      I just walked our Freedom Catalogues client through our ‘energetic, buzzy creative department’ and it’s like the Mary Celeste down there. Even your hot-shot, Pinki, was rushing out – late for Zen aerobics apparently. I caught that dozy secretary, Zoë, putting on her eyelashes. She said they were all in a research debrief. Bullshit! More likely in Bar Zero researching the tits on my temp.

      This is the first working day of a new century. If this carries on, I’ll be more than happy to live up to my trigger-happy reputation. I operate on the tried-and-trusted principle of ‘last in, first out’ (which would put you at number five on the list).

      Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.42pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… fucking ghost ship

      I have only this minute stepped out of a heavy meeting with Mako. You are right, this situation is quite untenable.

      It is time to apply Timberlands à derrières. Leave it to me.

      By the way, Mako is turning into the proverbial smelly one.

      Apparently, they bombed our campaign out before Christmas, but even though she is supposed to be running the business, Harriet ‘forgot’ to mention it.

      We have already booked Little and Large to appear in the TV spots.

      We are up a creek by the name of merde.

      Sans paddle.

      As if trying to make a car assembled by the Filipino peasantry seem alluring is not sufficiently difficile in the first place.

      Si

      Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 6.44pm

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… teams

      Susi, darling, do me a teeny-weeny favourette: have a look-see round the department and tell me if any of my bloody teams are still here?

      Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.48pm

      to… David Crutton

      cc…

      re… Mako

      Just to keep you in the loop, we’re running into trouble on Mako. Before Christmas, I made Simon aware that our clients would never approve Little and Large, but he remained committed to them. As Creative Director this is his right. However, at today’s meeting they were surprised and disappointed that we were representing the same work.

      Time is not on our side. The launch date for their new model is fixed, and we have to present them with a new campaign on Friday.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 3/1/00, 6.50pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… teams

      Not a soul in sight, I’m afraid, darling … Sx

      Harriet Greenbaum – 3/1/00, 6.59pm

      to… James Gregory

      cc…

      re… Mako

      You were at the meeting so no need to tell you how deep we’re in it. I suggest you join me for a post-mortem. Grab Katie. She might as well be introduced to the unpleasant realities of advertising.

      Simon Horne – 3/1/00, 7.28pm

      to… Creative Department

      cc…

      bcc… David Crutton

      re… your careers

      A nightmare is developing on Mako.

      We have yet to crack Kimbelle Super Dri.

      And we are about to embark on the biggest pitch any of us will ever work on.

      Why, then, is my department deserted? Am I the only one who gives a tuppenny damn?

      Starting tomorrow, I expect to hear the ear-piercing squeak of permanent marker pen on paper as the precious ideas lodged in your crania tumble forth onto layout pads.

      And before you bring me the fruits of your labours, ask yourselves just one question:

      ‘Is it a gold?’

      Si

      Nigel Godley – 3/1/00, 11.34pm

      to… All Departments

      cc…

      re… anybody out there?

      It’s 11.30 and I’m still here, collating timesheets. E me back if you, too, are still ‘at the coal face’!

      Nige

      Carla Browne – 3/1/00, 11.36pm

      to… Nigel Godley

      cc…

      re… anybody out there?

      Yes, I am!!!!!!!!! Who are you? What floor are you on? And can you make those stupid wedge shapes in pie charts on PowerPoint? If you can help, e me immediately – I want to go home!!!!!! Carla on the 4th.

Tuesday 4 January 2000

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 7.57am

      to… Harriet Greenbaum; Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… Mako

      Last night the entire dress circle at the Royal Opera House was disturbed by my mobile phone. The MD of Mako UK wished to know how many times he has to tell us he doesn’t like Little and Large before we get the message. What were his precise words? ‘Putting those end-of-pier excuses for comedians behind the wheel of my brand new, £22,000 executive saloon is not my fucking idea of sexy car advertising.’ I think he made his point.

      I’d like the pair of you in my office in thirty minutes and perhaps we can work out how not to lose this account before we’ve made a single ad

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