LITMIR.BIZ

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only gone and offered me the Crettin job!!!!!!!!! I mean, doesn’t she know we’re best friends in the world?!!! The thing is, though, I think I’ve got to say yes. Before you go mad, I don’t want to, but I don’t really have a choice! It is 5k more and I’ve got a massive Barclaycard bill to pay off and my gas is about to be cut off!!!!! And you really, really didn’t want it, did you?!!!!!! Oh, God, what am I gonna do?!!!!!!!!! … Zxxx

      Pinki Fallon – 4/1/00, 2.52pm

      to… Ken Perry

      cc…

      re… emergency!

      I think we need some of your maintenance guys to help us out here. There’s been a bit of an incident between Zoë Clarke and one of the other girls. Zoë’ll need a new desk lamp and PC, unless you can get the potting compost from the yucca out of her floppy drive. Also, there’s a bit of blood on one of the carpet tiles. It’s only a small cut, so no need for first-aid. Ta …

      Simon Horne – 4/100, 2.55pm

      to… Susi Judge-Davis

      cc…

      re… hormonal women

      Darling, have those dreadful girls finished their caterwauling yet? What was that commotion? I have to see David with a Mako idea and I would like to make it to his office with life and limb intact.

      Susi Judge-Davis – 4/1/00, 2.56pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… hormonal women

      The coast is clear, sweetie … Sx

      Carla Browne – 4/1/00, 3.05pm

      to… All Departments

      cc… [email protected]

      re… fuck the fucking lot of you!!!!!!!

      I’m leaving now, but before I go there’s some things you should know!!!!!!!

      • Zoë Clarke is a lying slag and she gave Simon Horne a BJ at last year’s D&AD.

      • She swallowed.

      • Daniel Westbrooke keeps tarts’ phone cards in his desk drawer.

      • David Crutton buys his coke off Vince Douglas.

      • Crutton also spent £3,500 in one night at a table-dancing club and put it through on his expenses as ‘qualitative research fees’.

      • You can all fuck off and die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

      Rachel Stevenson – 4/1/00, 3.09pm

      to… Chandra Kapoor

      cc… David Crutton

      re… urgent

      Please delete Carla Browne’s User ID from e-mail with immediate effect.

      Thank you.

      Rachel Stevenson

      Personnel

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 3.20pm

      to… Harriet Greenbaum

      cc…

      re… cracked

      It would appear Simon has saved your arses on Mako. He has shown me his new idea and it is a very clever way out. Come see.

      [email protected]

      4/1/00, 3.21pm (10.21am local)

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… Carla Browne

      I’m concerned, David, very concerned. Is this Carla Browne the same individual who led us a merry dance with our Middle-Eastern friends? Is there truth in her ranting?

      I am particularly troubled by her claims about narcotics. You will be acutely aware of corporate policy on this issue.

      Reassure me that you haven’t a Monica Lewinsky on your reservation.

      Jim

      [email protected]

      4/1/00, 3.27pm

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… Carla Browne

      Jim – worry not. The Carla Browne situation has been dealt with. We were certain that, after the Arabian Airways incident, her wilder personality traits had been subdued. Rest assured, she has now been marched off the premises, and will not return.

      We reminded her that in the UK, we have some very tough slander laws and that if she repeats a word of her fantastical claims, we will bear down on her with the full weight of the legal establishment.

      Of course, there is not one iota of truth in her bizarre allegations. Let me put your mind at rest completely on the drugs matter. All employees here know my strict views on this, and no transgression will be tolerated.

      I’m sorry that this storm in a teacup has intruded on your busy day.

      By the way, Coke is proceeding splendidly and we already have some very exciting thoughts on the table. I look forward to your coming over to this side of the pond to head up the pitch.

      Please pass on my regards to your beautiful wife and lovely children.

      David

      David Crutton – 4/1/00, 3.31pm

      to… Simon Horne

      cc…

      re… Coke

      I’ve just had occasion to e-mail Weissmuller and I mentioned that we had some cracking Coke work in development. I trust you won’t let him down.

      Simon Horne – 4/1/00, 3.46pm

      to… Creative Department

      cc…

      bcc… David Crutton

      re… one down…

      … two to go. You now only have Coke and Kimbelle to crack. I have spent all morning and my lunch hour in the company of a layout pad. As a result I have solved the Mako problem.

      I suggest you take a leaf out of my book.

      If Susi tells me she has seen any of you idling by the coffee machine, I will want to know why.

      If she mentions she has seen you slouching over the pool table, I will be livid.

      You will remain at your desks wearing your pencils to stubs.

      You will not show your sorry faces until you happen to be clutching ideas of astonishing brilliance.

      Si

      [email protected]

      4/1/00, 3.47pm (5.47pm local)

      to… [email protected]

      cc…

      re… Carla Browne

      Thanks

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