LITMIR.BIZ

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it hadn’t been for him I probably wouldn’t have gone to the après ski bar – I was still quite tired, not to mention confused at the day’s events, but there was something about the way Mikku had almost insisted I come here. Maybe he just wanted me to experience as much as I could while I was here, I didn’t know. All I knew was that I was here now, and I might as well at least have a drink.

      I saw Matt at the edge of the mass of people gathered outside, waving a bottle of beer in the air as he caught sight of me.

      ‘Hey, Sis! Where’ve you been?’

      I took the beer off him, keeping my gloves on this time, no way was I making that mistake again. It was still freezing outside, although the glow of the Christmas decorations and the light coming from inside the bar gave off a cosy glow that just seemed to make everything feel that little bit warmer, despite the freezing temperatures.

      ‘I’ve been exploring,’ I replied, taking a sip of beer, looking over at the outdoor stage that was being set up.

      ‘Meet any handsome ski instructors on your travels then?’ Matt smirked, leaning back against one of the trestle tables. But I threw him a look that wiped the smile right off his face. ‘Hey, come on, Jess. I didn’t mean anything by that. But what if you had, anyway? What’s so wrong with you having a bit of fun while you’re here? That’s what holidays are for, aren’t they?’

      I buried my chin deeper into my scarf, looking down at the snow-covered ground for a second but saying nothing.

      ‘You wouldn’t be betraying Jase. Is that what you’re worried about?’

      I looked back up at my brother, but still said nothing.

      ‘He wouldn’t want you to be alone for the rest of your life, Jess, and you know that. You know he’d want you to be happy again.’

      ‘That doesn’t mean to say I have to fling myself at the first person I find, though, does it?’

      ‘It’s been a year, Jess. I hardly think you’d be flinging yourself at the first person you meet anymore, do you?’

      I turned away for a second, back towards the stage as the group Mikku had seemed so insistent I come here to see finally began their first song, a guitar-heavy rock track – the kind of music Jase and I had loved. I watched as the crowd began jumping up and down, punching the air, a party atmosphere taking over the dark afternoon as the music belted out around the slopes, drawing more people into the bar.

      I took another sip of my beer, before looking back at the stage, my eyes going immediately to the band’s front man as he finally turned round to add his vocals to the song. His voice was almost as mesmerising as Mikku’s stare, a raspy yet honeyed tone making the song seem soulful despite its rocking beat. He had his eyes closed at first, grasping the mike stand as he felt every word he sang. I could see the intensity oozing from him and I couldn’t take my eyes off him as the music reached a crescendo, his vocals turning up a notch, hitting incredible notes that had the crowd in raptures. Maybe Mikku had been right. I was glad I’d come. Listening to music like this, it reminded me of good times, of things I’d loved, of people I’d lost. And, for a fleeting second, I felt as though this was exactly where I was meant to be. As I tried to turn away, something seemed to be stopping me from looking in any direction other than straight ahead. And then his eyes met mine – he looked straight at me, from up there on the stage. For what felt like an eternity, but was probably only a few seconds, we looked at each other, unable to turn away, and I felt like a million confusing emotions were now battling for position inside my head. What the hell was going on here? But then, almost as quickly as it happened, the moment ended and it was as if reality had returned.

      ‘Jessie?’

      Matt’s voice almost made me jump and I looked at him, trying to remember where I was. ‘I met a man today – in town. We went to a little café for a coffee,’ I began, trying desperately to get some kind of normality back to the situation. ‘He’s Sami… he’s called Mikku, and we talked, y’know? We just talked, but there was something about him… I don’t know…’ I trailed off, shaking my head as if to get rid of all the stupid things I’d experienced today. But a lot of them felt far too important to put aside and forget about, even if they probably wouldn’t make all that much sense to anyone else.

      ‘Something about him?’ Matt asked, folding his arms and looking at me through slightly narrowed eyes.

      ‘From the second I met him I felt – I dunno, comfortable in his company. Does that make any sense?’

      ‘Coming from you it does, yeah. Because that’s what you said about Jase, remember?’

      I nodded ‘But, it’s not like that, Matt. It doesn’t feel the way it felt when I met Jase, not in that way. But, talking to Mikku… it was easy. It was as if I’d known him all my life; it just felt right. Oh, I don’t know. It’s been a funny kind of day, that’s all.’

      Matt smiled at me, taking the bottle of beer from my hand and taking a sip. ‘It’s that sixth sense of yours again, isn’t it? Working overtime.’

      ‘It’s certainly been working hard today,’ I sighed.

      Matt looked at me again, frowning. ‘Something else on your mind? Because you don’t exactly look like someone who’s spent a very pleasant afternoon talking to a new friend.’

      I stuck my hands in my pockets, looking over at a huge thermometer by the bar’s entrance that told us it was -28 degrees now. And all of a sudden the tiredness I’d felt earlier returned with a vengeance. All I wanted to do was go back to the hotel and have a lie down. The day’s events had exhausted me.

      ‘I’m gonna go grab a little nap before we go out tonight,’ I smiled at Matt, standing on tip-toe to kiss his freezing-cold cheek.

      ‘You’ve only just got here, Sis!’

      ‘What can I say? I’m a lightweight,’ I winked before turning and making my way out of the bar, trudging through the deep snow as I began the short journey back to the hotel.

      ‘Hang on, hey!’

      I swung round at the sound of a gorgeous Scottish accent behind me, and my heart almost missed a beat as I came face-to-face with the band’s lead singer, the man I’d seen not a few minutes earlier up on the stage. I didn’t know what to say, what to think, because he was here, he was right here in front of me now and it would be rude to just walk away, wouldn’t it?

      ‘You okay?’ he asked, a frown covering his oh-so-handsome face. Yeah. He really was kind of handsome. Oh, not in the same way Jase had been, but he was handsome. No doubt about that, with a rough, stubbled chin and beautiful green eyes that were looking into mine again, just as they had done from the stage not ten minutes ago. ‘Only, you seem a little – flustered.’

      ‘I’m… I’m fine,’ I stuttered, shoving my gloved hands into the pockets of my anorak. ‘I’m just… I’m in a bit of a hurry, that’s all.’

      He smiled again, but I couldn’t smile back. It would be wrong, wouldn’t it? To do that. ‘I saw you, just now. And even though it’s quite difficult to get a good look at anybody when we’re all dressed in this much padded gear, you stood out from the crowd – you really did. You… There was something about you, something that just – just stood out.’

      I looked at him, smiling a weak smile back and even that made me feel guilty. Like I was betraying Jase. I couldn’t shake that feeling. I couldn’t. ‘I really have to go,’ I said quietly.

      ‘Hey, look, before you rush off, don’t I even get to know your name? I’m Zac, by the way.’

      My hands still firmly nestled in my pockets. ‘Nice to meet you, Zac. I’m Jess.’ But I gave him no chance to strike up a conversation or take this meeting any further. Why waste his time? I could never let myself become involved with anyone when my heart still belonged to Jase. And the sooner people got used to that, the better.

      *

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