LITMIR.BIZ

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though it was only one-thirty in the afternoon. Craning my neck as the plane grew ever closer to the rapidly whitening runway, I was sure I could see ice forming on the wings but, thankfully, I had no time to inspect more closely as I was thrown back in my seat, the bumpy but otherwise perfect landing signalling our arrival into the Arctic Circle.

      I closed my eyes for a second and exhaled. There was still a very small part of me that hoped that, when I opened them, I’d be back home in Tynemouth, sitting by my beautiful open fire listening to some old-school Stevie Nicks and wishing – wishing things were different. But they weren’t. And I was trying hard to get used to it, so I hoped this holiday might actually make that journey a little easier. Matt had certainly promised to help take my mind off things, although I doubted very much that a snowboarding lesson from a thirty-six-year-old rocker who was having trouble growing up was something that would suddenly help me turn my life around.

      ‘You okay, Jess?’ Matt’s voice broke into my thoughts and I looked at him. My baby brother. We’d always been close, but ever since Jase’s death we’d grown even closer. After all, Jase had been one of Matt’s closest friends, so losing him had been hard for the both of us. He’d just handled it a hell of a lot better than me.

      ‘I’m fine,’ I replied, squeezing his hand as the seatbelt signs clicked off and everyone began shuffling about, standing up and moving out into the narrow aisle to retrieve their luggage from the overhead lockers.

      ‘You sure?’ Matt asked, his blue eyes looking at me with that same concerned look that I was actually quite tired of seeing now. Yeah. It was definitely time to start pulling myself together and showing people that I didn’t need their sympathy anymore. I was strong. I could do this. I just wished I didn’t have to.

      ‘Matt, I’m fine, alright? Stop fussing. You’re as bad as Mum.’

      ‘I just care about you, Sis,’ he said, stuffing a copy of Kerrang! into his bag.

      ‘Yeah, I know you do,’ I sighed, wrapping my scarf tightly round my neck as the cabin doors were opened and a blast of ice-cold air surged through the plane’s interior, causing many of the passengers to gasp out loud at the freezing temperatures that were waiting for us all outside. But this was Christmas in Lapland – and it just wouldn’t be the same without the snow and the cold and the prospect of cosy nights in warm, wood-panelled bars and restaurants, would it? Suddenly, a small surge of excitement shot right through me, something I hadn’t felt in a long while. Maybe this holiday really would be the making of me. Maybe this was what I’d needed all along, a break from the memories and a past that people always told me was holding me back. Deep down I knew I didn’t have to stay locked inside some kind of bubble to remember Jase. He’d never leave me; I knew that. He’d always be there; he’d always be with me. I would never let the memory of him fade and I was sure, more than anything, that he wouldn’t want me to be sad. He’d want me to move on. He’d want me to be happy again. Isn’t that what people had been telling me for months now?

      ‘You’re smiling,’ Matt pointed out, edging his way into the narrow aisle as everyone began shuffling towards the exit.

      ‘So?’ I asked, following him out of our seats, pulling my hat down firmly onto my head as another blast of cold air swept through the plane.

      ‘Well, it’s just that smiling isn’t something I’ve seen you do all that much of lately, that’s all.’

      I frowned. Had I really been that miserable? Had it really showed that much?

      ‘We’re gonna have a blast, Jess,’ Matt said, turning to me before we started filing down the steps that led us out into the dark and cold Lapland afternoon, the lights of the small terminal building right in front of us shining onto the tarmac. ‘I promise you that.’

      I smiled at him again, burying my face into my scarf and shoving my hands in my pockets as the freezing air hit me, making me glad I’d decided to put those thermals on in the toilets half an hour ago when I had begun to feel the cold biting through the denim of my jeans.

      We were going to have a blast. And there was a little part of me, somewhere, that was kind of looking forward to that. I had a good feeling about this place. I had a very good feeling.

       Chapter Four

      Finnish Lapland was certainly a shock to the system, weather-wise. I’d used to think the north-east of England was cold but compared to the temperatures we were experiencing here they were verging on tropical.

      The hotel we were staying in was beautiful, so warm and welcoming with its mix of both traditional and contemporary styles. From the wood-panelled lobby to my beautifully simple but extremely comfortable and cosy room; from the choice of restaurants and the karaoke bar to the ultra-modern spa right next door, it had certainly surprised me. I wasn’t exactly sure what I’d been expecting, having never been to this part of the world before, but I guess I hadn’t been expecting quite this. Mind you, I should have known Matt would never come to a place where there might have been a chance of boredom setting in. And from what little I’d seen of the resort so far, it seemed to have more than its fair share of things to keep everyone occupied.

      Looking out of the window I couldn’t help but smile at the view, a view that was never going to fail to remind me of exactly where I was – a blanket of snow covered everything in sight, from the barrage of trees that led out into a forest of pines which stretched out as far as the eye could see in one direction, to the Tyrolean-style buildings that made up the small and compact resort in the other. It was beautiful, and as I watched a line of cross-country skiers in the distance propel themselves through the trees, their poles working in almost perfect unison as they glided across the snow, I couldn’t help but wish Jase was here with me. Cross-country skiing was one of the things he’d wanted to try. It was just one of the many activities we’d talked about, when we’d discussed our plans to visit Lapland. Plans that had been years in the making. And we’d been so close to taking our dream trip together. So close. But now he’d never experience all those things he’d so badly wanted to try.

      Being the kind of person Jase was, though, I knew he would have been out there before breakfast, donning those skis, throwing himself into everything with that incredible enthusiasm he’d always had for trying new things. An enthusiasm I was finding hard to muster myself.

      A knock at the door pulled me back from sinking into another pit of memories.

      ‘Sis! It’s Matt!’

      ‘Come in. Door’s open.’ I turned away from the window, folding my arms against me as Matt walked in, dressed in full skiing regalia of black salopettes, jacket and snow boots, a black hat pulled down over his long, dark hair. ‘What you up to today then?’ I asked, a smile playing at the corners of my mouth.

      He pulled a face and shut the door behind him, checking himself out in the full-length mirror beside the wardrobe. ‘Me, Jake and Gary are hitting the slopes in a bit. You coming?’ he asked, pulling off his hat and running a hand through his hair.

      I eyed the hired ski boots I’d been fitted for when we’d arrived yesterday. They were sitting on top of the pile of skiwear I’d yet to try out.

      ‘I know you haven’t done this before, Sis, but me and the guys are quite happy to show you the ropes if you don’t feel like joining the ski school.’

      Matt was right, I didn’t feel much like joining the ski school. But then, I didn’t feel much like skiing, full stop. I guess you had to be in the mood, and I wasn’t. Not really. Not yet.

      I looked at my brother with his dark, shoulder-length straggly hair and his unkempt beard, and I was desperate for those blue eyes of his to stop looking at me with that hint of pity. Was that how people were going to look at me forever? Yeah, it was definitely time to pull myself together and show them that I really was fine. Even if I didn’t totally feel it. Yet.

      ‘I think I’m just

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