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The World’s Best Sailing Jokes. Edward Phillips
Читать онлайн.Название The World’s Best Sailing Jokes
Год выпуска 0
isbn 9780008192006
Автор произведения Edward Phillips
Жанр Юмор: прочее
Издательство HarperCollins
A keen sailor had a friend whose main hobby was game shooting. He invited him out for a sail one windy day and they had only been out for a few hours when suddenly the wind changed direction and the boat started to jibe. The yachtsman yelled, ‘Duck!’ His friend stood up and shouted, ‘Where?’ – and was promptly knocked overboard by the boom.
Did you hear about the girl whose ambition was to marry a sailor and rear admirals?
The captain of the Roman galley shouted to the slave-master, ‘More speed! I want more speed!’ Ten minutes later, he shouted again, ‘What’s going on down there? I asked for more speed – why aren’t we going any faster?’ The slave-master said, ‘It’s number thirty-five, sir – he won’t work any faster and he’s holding the others back.’ ‘Well, give him the whip, then!’ shouted the captain. A few minutes later, the slave-master reported to the captain: ‘It’s number thirty-five, sir – I’m afraid I whipped him too hard. He’s dead.’ ‘Right!’ said the captain. ‘Whip them all!’ ‘What – everybody?’ said the slave-master. ‘Yes!’ said the captain. ‘Isn’t that what you usually do when somebody dies – have a whip-round?’
‘What was that noise?’
‘They’ve just dropped the anchor.’
‘I was afraid of that. It’s been dangling there all day.’
The great industrialist Sir Thomas Lipton was a keen yachting enthusiast. He entered many of the biggest yacht races but never succeeded in winning any of them. One of his staunchest friends was chatting to a rival yachtsman in the club one day about Lipton’s singular lack of success. ‘You know what it is, don’t you?’ said the rival. ‘They put something in the water.’ ‘Do they?’ said Sir Thomas’s friend. ‘What?’ ‘The other yachts!’ was the reply.
A young lady who hailed from Sri Lanka,
Was asleep while the yacht lay at anchor.
She awoke in dismay
When she heard a voice say,
‘Just hoist up her top sheet and spanker!’
During the war, WRENS used to wear regular issue bell-bottom trousers, but as these were in short supply, the Admiralty issued a directive which stated: ‘In the future, all WRENS must give up their trousers to ratings on demand.’
Two Irishmen took a boat out on the lake and settled down for a day’s fishing. Luck was on their side and they soon had a considerable haul of fish. ‘I wish we could find this spot again tomorrow,’ said Mick. ‘Well,’ said Pat, ‘we could chalk an X on the side of the boat so that we could find it again.’ ‘Don’t be stupid!’ said Mick. ‘We might not get the same boat tomorrow!’
Two young girls were holidaying at the seaside and one fine day, they decided to hire a boat and go for a sail. Unfortunately, they had no idea how to handle the boat and as the weather was very calm and there was no wind, they very soon found themselves becalmed. Luckily, a fishing boat appeared and without saying a word, the skipper threw the girls a line and began to tow them back to the shore. Feeling a little embarrassed, one of the girls shouted across, ‘I suppose you must have a very poor opinion of women sailors!’ The skipper looked across and said, ‘Ain’t never met one.’
| Lady passenger: | Steward, can you tell me where I can find the captain?’ |
| Steward: | ‘The captain is forward, Miss.’ |
| Lady passenger: | ‘I don’t mind. After all, this is a pleasure cruise, isn’t it?’ |
The captain of a luxury liner switched on the intercom and made the following announcement: ‘Ladies and gentlemen, we are at last on our way and I apologize for the long delay in leaving harbour. I’m pleased to announce that we haven’t got a bomb on board as we first feared. At least, if we have, we haven’t been able to find it.’
It is often asked why a ship is called ‘she’. The answer is simple: there is usually a gang of men about her; it takes an experienced man to handle her correctly, and a lot of paint to keep her looking good; it’s not the initial expense that breaks you, it’s the upkeep; and when she comes into port, she always heads for the buoys.
I suppose you heard about the freighter that sank nineteen times on one trip? It was carrying a cargo of yo-yos.
A young naval student was being examined on his knowledge of seamanship by a grizzled old admiral. ‘Suppose you were at sea,’ said the admiral, ‘and a sudden storm sprang up to starboard. What would you do?’ ‘Throw out an anchor, sir,’ said the student. ‘And suppose another storm sprang up aft?’ ‘I’d throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘And if a third storm sprang up forward?’ ‘Throw out another anchor, sir.’ ‘Just a minute,’ said the admiral. ‘Where are you getting all these anchors from?’ ‘Same place as you’re getting your storms, sir.’
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