LITMIR.BIZ

      An Irishman went out alone in a small skiff and ran into bad weather. His craft foundered on a reef and he waited several hours before he was finally spotted and rescued. When they saw his radio, the rescuers asked why he hadn’t sent out an S.O.S. ‘I would have done,’ he replied, ‘but I didn’t know how to spell it.’

      For many months, the first mate had reported to the captain’s cabin first thing every morning, and each time he had seen the captain unlock a drawer in his desk, glance at a piece of paper inside, and then lock the drawer again. He was greatly puzzled by this, but didn’t like to mention it to the skipper. One day, the captain, who was getting on in years, sadly passed away. Amongst his effects was the key to the mysterious drawer, and overcome by curiosity, the first mate took the opportunity to unlock that drawer. Inside was a single piece of paper bearing the words: ‘PORT IS LEFT, STARBOARD IS RIGHT.’

      On the first morning at sea, the captain had just finished welcoming the cruise passengers on the ship’s loudspeaker system. Forgetting that he hadn’t turned off the microphone, he turned to his second-in-command and said, ‘That’s that! Now I’ll just have a coffee and then go and lay that new red-headed stewardess in cabin seventeen!’ The stewardess in question was busy in the dining saloon and on hearing the captain’s words, she blushed bright scarlet and ran off to the bridge to tell the captain to turn off his mike. ‘There’s no need to rush, dear,’ said a kind old lady as she passed. ‘The captain said he was going to have a cup of coffee first.’

      There is an old Irish cure for seasickness: ‘Sit under a tree.’

      Offshore sailing is a very character-building pursuit. If there’s anything in you at all, the sea will bring it out.

      An amateur sailor’s skiff was stuck on a sandbar. He spotted a couple of his mates in a dinghy nearby and shouted, ‘I’m stuck on a sandbar! I’ll have to wait till the tide comes in. When you get back, can you tell my wife I’ll be late home.’ When his friends got back on shore, they called round to the sailor’s wife and said, ‘Bill won’t be home for several hours. He’s stuck over a bar.’ ‘Typical,’ said the wife. ‘Which pub is he in this time?’

      What do you get if you cross the Atlantic with a boat?

       To the other side.

      And what do you get if you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic?’

       About half-way across.

      Malone was out in a boat with his friend Paddy McGinty. Suddenly the boat sprang a leak at one end. Paddy made another hole next to it, saying, ‘It’s all right, Malone – this’ll let the water out!’ Malone smiled and said, ‘I’m not worried, Paddy – it’s not leaking at my end!’

      During the Second World War, the captain of a destroyer lying in Portsmouth Harbour noticed a fisherman rowing alongside in his boat, towing a German mine. ‘What the hell do you think you’re playing at?’ yelled the captain. ‘Keep that damn thing away from this boat!’ The fisherman shouted, ‘Don’t worry, skipper – I’ve knocked the horns off with me boat-hook!’

      The skipper of an old tramp steamer was very meticulous about the accuracy of his entries in the log. One evening, when the ship was in port, the mate came back on board ship very late and very much the worse for drink. The skipper duly entered the details in the log: ‘Mate drunk today.’ When the mate protested, the skipper said, ‘Well, it was true and I had to record it.’ A few days later, it was the mate’s

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