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miles out in the Channel, the captain of a fishing smack went below with his crew for supper, leaving the wheel in the charge of a very inexperienced cabin boy. Before going below, the skipper assured the lad, ‘Don’t worry, son – you’ll be all right. Just steer by that star up there.’ Unfortunately, the cabin boy soon ran the ship off course so the star in question lay astern instead of ahead. Panic-stricken, the lad shouted down, ‘Hey, Skipper, come and find us another star – I’ve passed the first one!’

      The members of an exclusive South Coast yacht club were all local businesmen. The owner of the largest yacht found himself one man short on the eve of a big race, and he persuaded a non-sailing acquaintance to stand in for the missing crew member. As the yacht set off on the first leg of the race, the skipper yelled, ‘Let go that jib-sheet!’ ‘What are you talking about!’ came the indignant reply. ‘I’m not touching the damn thing!’

      ‘Has anyone ever told you what a brilliant sailor you are?’

      ‘No.’

      ‘Well, where did you get the idea from?’

      Did you hear about the Irishman who was marooned on a desert island? One day a large rowing boat was washed ashore on the beach – so he broke it up to build a raft.

      A young university man was being consoled by his mother after his crew had lost the Oxford-Cambridge Boat Race. ‘Never mind, dear,’ she said. ‘You rowed faster than anyone else in your boat!’

      Following a disastrous shipwreck, the father of one of the crew members was asked to describe any distinguishing marks his son possessed so that the authorities could identify the body. ‘Well,’ said the man, ‘my son was deaf, if that’s any help.’

      One night, arriving in the roads, the captain of a freighter approaching Valparaiso was surprised to find an island on his chart which he had never seen before. He spent the entire night beating round the island, only to find the next morning that he had been trying to sail round a squashed fly on his chart.

Captain:	‘What a storm that was! Thank heavens it’s blown over. Good God! Where’s the mizzen mast?’
Deckhand:	‘Search me, Skipper. How long has it been mizzen?’

      It’s fascinating to see the names people give to their boats – and have you noticed that there is often a Roman numeral after the name? So you get Merrimac III, Martha IV, Adventurer II, and so on. A friend of mine has the right idea. The name painted on the side of his little skiff is Paid IV.

      A visitor was walking round the docks at Southampton. He stopped a passing docker and said, ‘Where can I find the urinal?’ ‘How many funnels has she got?’ the docker replied.

      Coastguard HQ to boat some miles out in the English Channel: ‘How’s the visibility out there?’

      Skipper: ‘I don’t know! I can’t see a thing for this damn fog!’

      ‘Look here,’ said the yacht club member to the secretary, ‘this new rule allowing members to bring their wives on special trips is very unfair to bachelors like myself. Can’t I bring my girlfriend?’ ‘Well,’ said the secretary thoughtfully, ‘I suppose that would be all right – provided she was the wife of a member.’

      The royal yacht Britannia was cruising off Hong Kong one night when a light suddenly appeared ahead. The captain signalled ahead and then sent a radio warning but the light still steadily bore down on the Britannia. Coming within hailing distance, the captain seized a megaphone and yelled, ‘Ahoy there! This is the royal yacht Britannia with Her Majesty on board! Make way!’ From the darkness ahead, a voice replied, ‘Make way yourself! This is honourable Hong Kong lighthouse!’

      One of the first large vessels in recorded history was Noah’s Ark, which carried a male and female of every living creature. It was the first and last cruise ship on which the sexes were evenly matched.

      A young man was dancing with a rather haughty young lady at the yacht club annual dance. After treading on her feet for the third time, he said apologetically, ‘You’ll have to excuse me – I’m a little stiff from sailing.’

      ‘I don’t care where you come from,’ she replied. ‘You’re not dancing with me again!’

      (Although a joke should never have to be explained, it is worth pointing out here that Saling is a village near Braintree in Essex.)

Teacher:	‘Can anybody tell me whether George Washington was a soldier or a sailor?’
Freddy:	‘I think he was a soldier, Miss.’
Teacher:	‘And what makes you think that?’
Freddy:	‘Because I saw a picture of him crossing the Delaware and anybody who would stand up in a rowing boat like that is no sailor!’

      ‘I was out on the boat this morning,’ said the yachtsman, ‘and there was a little skiff about twenty yards away. There was a really smashing girl on deck and suddenly she slipped and fell overboard. Without hesitating, I dived straight in, swam over, brought her back to my yacht, and gave her artificial recreation.’ ‘You mean “respiration”,’ said his friend, ‘that’s the correct term. “Recreation” is when you’re enjoying yourself.’ ‘You stick to your terms, and I’ll stick to mine!’ his pal replied.

      A naval rating at Dartmouth was attending a swimming class. He was ordered to dive from a fifteen-foot platform and promptly refused the order. ‘Look here,’ said the swimming instructor, ‘if you were on a sinking ship fifteen feet above the water, what would you do?’ ‘I’d wait for the ship to sink about fourteen feet!’ he replied.

      On the lower reaches of the great Mississippi, a boatman operated a ferry across a very wide stretch of the river, which was full of treacherous currents and whirlpools. On one crossing, the ferryboat was tossed all over the place and an anxious old lady asked whether any passengers were ever lost in the river. ‘No, ma’am,’ the ferry man assured her. ‘We always find them again next day.’

      Leisure-time sailors nowadays are advised to use an idea from America called the Buddy System. This has done away with sailors drowning, except in pairs.

      Donegan and Murphy were on a transatlantic liner crossing to the USA. As the ship approached New York, a voice came over the loudspeaker. ‘Ladies and gentlemen, I am pleased to be able to announce that we have made the crossing in three days, twenty-three hours precisely.’ ‘Is that a record?’ asked Donegan. ‘No,’ said Murphy, ‘that’s the captain speaking.’

      Pat and Mike took a boat out for a sail around the bay. Suddenly a large wave struck the boat broadside and it capsized. Both men were hurled into the water. Pat swam for the shore, then plunged straight back into the sea again. ‘What are you doing?’ shouted a bystander. ‘I’m going back for Mike!’ Pat yelled. ‘I had to save myself first!’

      I took the cross-Channel ferry to Calais last month. Never again! I was so seasick, the captain had to heave to.

      She: ‘You remind me of the sea.’

      He: ‘Wild, romantic and restless?’

      She: ‘No. You make me sick.’

      My grandfather tried to join the Navy during the war. At his interview in the recruiting office, he was asked if he could swim. ‘Why?’ he replied. ‘Haven’t you got any ships?’

      A fellow was invited out on a trip across the Channel by a friend of his, a keen yachtsman. He was very nervous and when they were about half-way across, he asked his host anxiously, ‘Just how close are we to land?’ ‘About a mile,’ said the yachtsman. ‘In which direction?’ ‘Straight down!’

      How many Irishmen does it take to launch a ship?

      A thousand and one. One to hold the champagne bottle and a thousand to bang the ship against it.

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