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We all want our babies to eventually learn to fall asleep independently by their own self-soothing strategies at an appropriate age. Our sleep plan teaches them how, rather than forcing them to sleep independently.

      As parents ourselves, we chose to create attachment-based sleep associations in our kids. But we know that not all parents will make the same choice. Is there a middle ground? Is there a way to help a baby learn to fall asleep independently but without excessive crying or stress? Is there a way to create attachment-based sleep associations that meet baby’s need and at the same time aren’t overly demanding on parents? We believe the answer to these questions is YES!

      Why is it necessary for you to help your baby develop healthy sleep associations? Why not just put baby down in her cot, walk out of the room, and let her fall asleep on her own? Won’t she learn that being in the cot means there’s nothing to do now but sleep? Well, yes, she will begin to associate being left alone in the cot with sleep. Her developing brain is busy building patterns of association all the time. That’s what brains do. But in the early months, babies do not have the developmental capacity to transition themselves from the state of being awake to being asleep without help. A tiny baby left alone in her cot to fall asleep on her own is likely to cry fearfully and then sleep anxiously. Going to sleep anxiously defeats one of the goals of your sleep plan: to teach baby a healthy attitude about sleep; that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a happy state to remain in.

      Babies need to be parented to sleep so that they can form pleasant sleep associations. So what kind of activities, experiences, and feelings do you want your baby to associate with going to sleep? Babies who fall asleep while breast- or bottle-feeding will learn to associate warm milk, rhythmic sucking, and being cuddled close to Mum with sleep. Babies who are carried around or rocked to sleep will learn that motion and comfort, as well as contact with Mum or Dad, are what send them into dreamland. Babies who are put in a cot to cry themselves to sleep learn that sleep is a lonely time when they need to comfort themselves.

      Remember, you not only want your baby to sleep longer, but to sleep happier. So, in considering any advice about sleep, including the advice in this book, ask yourself:

       “If I were my baby, how would I want to go to sleep?”

      Getting behind the eyes of your baby and imagining how you would want your parents to act in a certain situation is one of the most important parenting tools we have learned over our years as parents and pediatricians. You will nearly always make wise decisions about how to parent your children if you begin your decision process by trying to understand the situation from your child’s point of view. If you were a baby, would you rather be parented to sleep at the breast of mother or in the arms of father, or just put down in a lonely cot and left to cry off to sleep?

      We are now going to show you ways to create sleep associations that have one goal in mind – to help baby learn that sleep is a pleasant state to enter and a happy state to remain in.

       Primary and secondary sleep associations

      Another concept we want you to understand is primary and secondary sleep associations. Think of your baby’s primary sleep association as whatever usually turns on the sleep switch.

and the sleep association winners are:

      Primary

       Feeding to sleep (breast or bottle)

       Rocking

       Wearing down in a sling

       Falling asleep independently

      Secondary

       Soft music

       Singing lullabies

       Dimmed light

       White noise

       Dummy or “cuddly”

       Patting

       Being walked

       Stroking (massage)

       Swinging

       Dancing in arms

       Scent of mother

       Verbal sleep cues (i.e. “nighty, night” …)

       Stories

       A combination of several

      Secondary associations are things such as soft music, dim lights, or stories that may help to calm a child and prepare her for sleep. Some parents will choose one primary sleep association as the foundation, and use several secondary associations to help. Others like to get baby used to several different primary associations for sleep so that they have more options for bedtime.

       Choosing sleep associations that fit your baby best

      Which primary sleep association is going to work best for your baby? You won’t know until you’ve tried them all. We suggest you go through a trial period of a few weeks to see what primary method of putting baby to sleep works the best. Try feeding baby to sleep a few nights, then try rocking or walking. Try snuggling with baby but not feeding to sleep. Involve Dad in the routine as well. Try a variety of methods until you learn what works best. Here are the main primary associations to consider as you decide what will work best in your family: feeding baby to sleep, feeding baby almost to sleep, lulling baby to sleep without feeding, and laying baby down to fall asleep independently.

      1. Breastfeeding or bottle-feeding your baby to sleep. Breastfeeding mums often find the easiest way to get their baby to sleep is by breastfeeding. In fact, in the first few weeks it is almost impossible to keep a baby awake at the breast for more than ten minutes. Baby is inevitably going to fall asleep feeding. Young babies also fall asleep very easily while bottle-feeding. Breastfeeding seems to be nature’s plan for comforting babies and helping them fall asleep. In fact, breast milk contains a sleep-inducing protein that helps lull baby into dreamland. As baby relaxes, so does mother, thanks to the hormones released when baby sucks at the breast.

      We recommend that you not place any limitations on your baby feeding to sleep during the early weeks of breastfeeding. In the first four to six weeks after birth, you are learning to read your baby’s hunger cues, your baby is learning to tell you when he is hungry, and your milk supply is adjusting to baby’s needs. Relax and enjoy the breastfeeding experience.

      A smart baby will get to love this feeding-to-sleep association and come to enjoy and expect it for as long as you breastfeed or use bottles. On the one hand, this means that you will be able to count on feeding as an easy way to get baby off to sleep. Even a baby who is fighting sleep will eventually succumb to the relaxing feelings that come from feeding. On the other hand, Mum’s breasts have to be there at bedtime, and again, when baby awakens in the middle of the night. Even if breastfeeding is your baby’s number one primary sleep association, you may want to help him learn other associations so you have other ways to put him to bed.

      In developing our sleep plan, we asked mothers of frequent night wakers, “For your next baby, what will you do differently?” The following answer, from our daughter Hayden (formerly the star of our Fussy Baby book and now a new mother), is representative of what many mums told us:

       I cherish those precious times of feeding Ashton to sleep, as I realize they will pass all too soon. Yet, for our next baby, I will not use just one way of putting her to sleep. I’ll do a variety of things so she’s not so set in only one way of falling asleep. This will include my husband, Jason, putting her to sleep now and then, so that when she’s older he can put her to sleep in his own way.

      Many parents tell us that feeding baby at bedtime and a couple more times during the night works very well for them. Baby is content, and mother manages to get enough sleep, because baby is sleeping close by and she can feed baby back to sleep without waking up completely herself. Maybe Mum wakes a little more often, but she feels that the

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