Cancer is an Chance - Sonya Ruben

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I wanted clarity. After we had finished with the baby check-up, she carefully examined it.

      She calmed me down and explained that lymph nodes often form deposits during pregnancy. But for a medical clarification I should see my doctor. She said exactly the words I wanted to hear in order to keep enjoying my pregnancy. I loved this pregnancy, my skin was silky smooth and it radiated beautifully. My eyes had this spark­le. I felt utterly at home in my own body, which isn’t necessarily natural for every becoming mother. But for me, this baby released wonderful en­dorphins. I felt beautiful, strong and most importantly: healthy. The weeks went by comfortably, life felt fanta­stic and I started to prepare myself for my son.

      I made all the usual purchases and set up the most important things for him. No matter what I was doing, I always did it with utter joy and serenity. Only when I was in the shower and felt this bobble - which is how I called this lump in my upper arm – I asked myself when I would finally go to the dermatologist.

      And so the time passed until my son’s birth. In mid-November he came into this world. I was thankful that we were both well. Everything was in the safe zone and the next few months went by wonderfully.

       A change is coming up

      

      Towards the end of the summer I star­ted getting a weird skin rash all over my body. It was itching day and night. These tiny blisters forced me to scratch my skin, sometimes until it started bleeding.

      I tried various home remedies like lo­tions, curd, yogurt, damp cloths. No­thing helped for more than an hour. This constant itching under my skin.

      It was unbearable. The extreme heat of summer only added to it. I woke up multiple times every night and scratched myself like a crazy per­son. First I thought it was due to so­mething I had eaten. After a few days of itching, I finally got myself to go to the dermatologist. I drove to the sche­duled appointment with my son in his Maxi-Kosi. Luckily, the little one was quite calm so I could take him with me anywhere. With a soother and his stuffed animal in his arm, he was com­pletely at ease. After a short wait, the doctor came and asked what he could do for me.

      I explained to him what was happening with my skin and he examined my rash. After a long conversation with me, he diagnosed stress as the likely cause of my problem. He prescribed a lotion for my body as well as an unscented bath wash and calmed me down. He told me my skin would feel better in a few days. In passing, I told him about the small bump in my arm and explained to him that I’ve had it for a while.

      Fortunately, I remembered to do that, otherwise I would have been angry at myself. I was so preoccupied with my rash. He examined the bump and loo­ked at me. His fingers circled it and he looked away for a second, as if he was looking for something. With light pressure, he moved the bump around, which felt pretty uncomfortable. His eyes were searching for mine, which made me feel slightly uneased so I loo­ked at my son who was peacefully as­leep in his Maxi-Kosi.

      My dermatologist is elderly and his brown eyes hidden behind glasses in combination with his white hair made him seem highly intelligent. I have al­ways felt comfortable around him. Due to my sensitive sculpt, I have regular appointments with him for different shampoo options. His silence scared me.

       I have to have surgery

      With my eyes peeled on the bump, I asked: “What is it?” He quietly replied “Hm, I’m not sure, but judging by its size, texture and movability, it has to be removed.” My breathing sounded annoyed. I don’t want to be cut open, I have already had so many procedures that left scars because I had to get a few moles removed. Now another beauty defect. And then on my upper arm, which everyone will be able to see in the summer. Oh well, at least it’s on the inner part of my arm.

      He referred me to a surgeon, whose competence he trusted. I should sched­ule an appointment and have the lump removed. Once I was at home, I thought the whole situation through, but didn’t think anything more of it. For me, my annoying rash was the bigger problem. I used the lotion that same evening. Thankfully, it helped right away. After a few days, I was able to relax again. What a relief!

      A few weeks later, I had an appoint­ment with the general surgery and took the little one with me. This time, he was able to walk, which made the situation a little more complicated. He didn’t want to hold my hand; he’d rather touch everything else. Fortu­nately, everything went by relatively fast.

      A very tall man entered the examina­tion room. He greeted me and with his big, grey curls, left a slightly distracted impression on me. I found it enter­taining to observe his locks bouncing up and down as he was making his way from the sink towards me. “How can I help you?” he asked briskly. I was wea­ring a strappy top, so I didn’t have to remove any clothes and I told him to check the bump. He examined it and asked for how long I had had it and if it hurt at all. My answers came pret­ty fast, as I had the feeling he was in a rush. “It could just be a deposit of the lymph nodes, but because of its size of one to two centimeters and its hard texture, it has to be removed”, he exp­lained. He added that it would only be a small procedure. I would be able to go home right after. So just a tiny scar, I thought to myself and was content. I took my little one by the hand, who had been silently observing the doctor during our entire interaction, went to the reception desk and made an ap­pointment for next month. No earlier dates were available. Nevertheless, the month went by relatively fast and I felt good since the rash on my body had he­aled. That made me strong for the next step. Meanwhile, autumn had arrived. I love autumn, the colors of nature are the most beautiful of the entire year. The day of my procedure I was relaxed and just wanted it to be over as soon as possible. The children were taken care of.

      Now I was in the OR, all precautionary measures had been taken, the tools were set on a table. I felt a little uneasy, all by myself in this sterile room, decked out with yellow tiles from the floor to the ceiling – cold. I don’t have a choice, I have to get through this, I thought and brought myself back to the real world. The assistant came in, said hello and got started right away. She disinfected everything with iodine and covered me with a dark green sheet. The doctor en­tered the room. After a short greeting, he also got started. “Now you’ll feel a little prick”, he said. The needle, deep breaths, stay calm, I tried to tell my­self. The green sheet covered my arm and face and just a tiny slit allowed me to see the doctor’s face.

      The anesthesia must have started wor­king pretty fast, because the doctor began to cut right away. He asked if everything was okay, I said yes and the nice assistant handed him his tools. It was weird, I couldn’t feel anything so I tried to relax and turned away. A few minutes later, I heard a sigh of relief. He removed the lump and said: “Look, here it is.” I turned my head towards the doctor. The bump was a shade of milky white and had the size of an oli­ve, approximately 1.5 centimeters in diameter. In the forceps in which he was holding it, the lump appeared to be soft. I sim­ply nodded, as I wanted to get it over with as soon as possible. Anything to do with surgery, needles and blood I can’t stand. That’s also why I never wanted to work in the medical field. Just the mere thought of injections gives me goosebumps down my back.

      Whenever I go for blood tests, I look away. He put the lump in a container filled with water. I started to feel nau­seous but relieved at the same time.

      The room, that blood, simply ever­ything was a little too much for me. It couldn’t possibly go fast enough for me to be finished. Meanwhile the surgeon explained: “So, we are going to start with the stitches because I had to cut quite deep.” Dear heaven! Why did he have to tell me all that? I didn’t even want to know.

      I turned my head away from him again. From the corner of my eyes, I could watch exactly how he was stit­ching

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