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is all very strange, don’t you think?»

      «I agree, which is why I am here now. I’ve had a long-lasting interest in dissociative disorders and I want to understand it all more than anyone else.»

      «You read medical journals?» said the doctor, raising his eyebrows in surprise. «You see, dear, many psychiatrists, me included, by the way, view disassociation as a symptomatic response to trauma, critical emotional stress; it is connected to emotion dysregulation. However, it seems to me that nothing like that has happened to you, except maybe in the case of the first relapse and your reaction to it.»

      «You are right, doctor, in that many scientists believe that dissociative disorder is contrived in nature.»

      «Yes, dear, you are absolutely right. Latrogenic in nature or, as you put it, contrived. I am also convinced of that!»

      The room fell silent. Dr. Friedman intently pondered the situation. This was the first time he had seen such symptoms and the course of, what he believed, the disease.

      «You, Robert, are talking about dissociative disorders. I believe your condition is something else. You see, in order to diagnose multiple personality disorder, or in other words, dissociative identity disorder, you would need memory loss beyond normal forgetfulness in addition to the presence of at least two personalities that would regularly and in turn control your behavior. In this case, memory loss usually occurs when the channels are switched. You, on the other hand, manifest totally different symptoms. And then again, this Trevor…» The doctor paused to think. «You see, your memory clearly relays everything that is happening to you here and there. There are no manifestations of your other personality – Trevor. Only you control your actions, and I don’t see any interference from your alter ego. That’s what puzzles me. I’ve never seen anything like that described in medical texts.»

      He squeezed his fingers and touched his chin. The knuckles turned white from visible tension.

      «By the way, have you taken notice of the name Trevor?» The doctor looked at Robert curiously, as if he just uncovered a secret and was about to reveal it.

      «What’s wrong with it?»

      «What do you mean what’s wrong? It is a palindrome, a word that reads the same backward as forward. Look!» The doctor took a sheet of paper and wrote several big letters. «Here, this is how it looks. Trevor is the mirror image of your name, Robert.»

      «Indeed. I’ve never thought about it, but you’re right,» Robert said in surprise.

      «Yes, Robert, mirror image! Palindrome. By the way, what’s your feeling of time? It is synchronous?»

      «For the most part it almost coincides. Life there runs strictly by the rules, even if I don’t sleep here for, like, two days. But usually, in my dream, it’s like I return to the last starting position. Sometimes, it seems as though I enter while it’s in progress, but my memory instantly fills with information. I realize that’s what happened only later, when I wake up.»

      «So, there are moments you can’t remember?»

      «Just as there are in this life, doctor. All feelings are identical. Usually, when I fall asleep, I find myself in the exact moment as before. It’s as if I just push play on a track that was paused. Well, except for the case with Amanda. That was different.»

      Dr. Friedman was looking at Robert, contemplating something. He was tormented by doubt and he seemed to be trying to explain to himself what was going on, shuffling through all the cases of multiple personality disorder known to him, comparing them with this unclear condition of his new patient.

      After a long silence, the doctor sighed, crossed his arms over his chest and said: «You know, Robert, your condition, even considering your fantasies about night journeys in your dreams, raises no concerns for me. This all falls within the generally accepted standards of psychological deviance. Here’s what does concern me though…» The doctor paused, looking intently at Robert. «Your suicidal thoughts, I believe, are the result of depression, but you seem to be coping with that on your own. And that’s a very good decision, because staying in depression passively is like sitting on the bank of a river waiting for the body of your enemy to float by. I am happy that you are not waiting, but instead trying to find a way out. Seek ways and analyze.»

      «You’ve got it a bit wrong, doctor. I have suicidal thoughts not because I don’t see a way out, and they are not the result of some depression. I am fully content with my life here, beyond the dream. I have a good job, successful career, and a woman I love. But…» Robert sighed deeply. «Sometimes all of this does not seem real to me. I’ve thought a lot about it, comparing this world and that one. What if all this is just somebody’s dream? What if you and I and this entire world is just my dream, my imagination, and nothing more? In that case, suicide seems to be a radical way to solve the problem. Do you understand?»

      «So, you believe that by killing yourself in this life, you will simply wake up in the other, like in a dream? Right?» the doctor asked. «If that is so, and if we are, as you believe, in a dream right now, what will stop you from coming back here the next time? It’s just a dream, after all. And if we were to assume that you are right and this world is your dream, how can you be sure that you haven’t killed yourself before in this life, which you’ve just called a dream?»

      «That is only my assumption. As for a suicide, I would probably remember it. I do remember everything that happened to me yesterday, a month or several years ago. I remember everything, starting with my childhood.»

      «Probably you would…» The doctor again looked at Robert and continued in a serious tone: «Let’s assume this world is your dream. So, what is to prevent the brain of the sleeping Trevor from simulating unrealistic details of your life, the ones you would see as given, undeniable facts, because here they are implanted in your memory. Do you understand the absurdity of the situation? By the way, how long have you had suicidal thoughts?»

      «Maybe five-six years. Right after I finally realized that I could not find a way out or understand the situation. I’ve often thought about it and I clearly remember when I was very close to taking that last step, but I’ve never been able to go through with it.»

      Robert fell silent. The doctor continued to stare at him, thinking about something. A silence fell upon the room. There was a mix of doubt and interest in the doctor’s eyes.

      «Well, dear,» he said at last. «I will take on your case. Tomorrow’s a day off, so we will have a session at my home office. Drug therapy won’t work here. We will dig into your brain, into your consciousness. We will start from the beginning. We do use clinical hypnosis as a form of psychotherapy, as your Amanda said, but first I will ask you to remember some more details and share them with me. I will be expecting you tomorrow at this address.»

      The doctor wrote his home address neatly on his business card, which was atypical for members of his profession, and handed it to Robert.

      «I will not keep you in suspense. I’m expecting you tomorrow at 10 am. And pass on the warmest greetings to Amanda for me.»

      The doctor escorted Robert to the exit, but at the door he suddenly looked into his eyes and said in a cold voice: «I don’t believe you, my dear. I don’t believe a word you’ve said for a second, and you will have to really try hard to prove otherwise. I am, however, intrigued, as your lie is totally implausible. In fact, so implausible that it could turn out to be true!»

      Chapter 5

      Tatras

      24 December 2011. 03:23

      Robert stood quietly over the abyss, listening to steady sound of the river. He watched the black streams break between the large boulders, which brought back to him fragments of his childhood and youth. The faces of people, his family, close friends or simply acquaintances appeared and

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