LITMIR.BIZ

      “Dogs,” she said, “I’ve brought home a special surprise for you.”

      I glanced at Drover. “You see? She went to the grocery store and got us some nice juicy bones.”

      “Oh good! Boy, do I like bones!”

      “But I get first dibs, son. Don’t forget who’s in charge here.”

      Sally May uncovered the top part of the bundle and bent down so that we could . . .

      When I saw what was inside that blanket, fellers, the hair shot up on my back and my throat began making a sound that was something between a growl and a gurgle.

      Holy smokes! Sally May had brought home a giant lizard from the grocery store!

      Well, you know me. When confronted with something new and ugly and terrible, I don’t just stand there looking foolish. I bark.

      Yes indeed, I barked. I had no idea why Sally May had brought that thing home or what she planned to do with it, but I staked out my territory and barked up a storm. And just in case the lizard attacked, I also retreated a few steps.

      You know what Sally May and Loper did? They started laughing. Beat anything I ever saw. I mean, they had just brought a strange and possibly dangerous animal onto the ranch, and then . . .

      Sally May gave me another look at the thing’s head, which was unnecessary because I’d already seen all I needed to see. “Hank, don’t be silly. It’s just a baby.”

      “It’s just a baby,” Drover said.

      I glared at the runt. “I seem to be hearing an echo.”

      “No, that was me. I said . . .”

      “I heard what you said and I heard what she said, and you don’t need to repeat everything you hear. I’m not deaf and that’s no baby. It’s the first full-grown Giant Baldheaded Lizard I’ve ever seen on this ranch.”

      “But Hank, it’s not a lizard. It’s Sally May’s new baby.”

      HUH?

      I studied the creature again: two eyes, two ears, one mouth, one nose, red skin, and wrinkles, and inside the blanket, two arms, two legs, and a nightgown.

      Hmmmmm. The pieces of the puzzle were beginning . . . okay, maybe it wasn’t a . . . let’s put it this way: that was a very strange looking baby, and any dog who was in charge of Ranch Security would have . . .

      “All right, Drover, I think I’ve got this thing puzzled out. Sally May went to the town of Hospital and bought herself a baby at the grocery store. Instead of putting it in a brown paper sack, as they usually do, they wrapped it up in a pink blanket, and what we have here before us now is NOT a lizard.”

      “Yeah, I know.”

      “It’s a human baby child.”

      “That’s what I said.”

      “And we can only hope that the poor little thing gets more attractive with time, because it certainly looks like a Giant Baldheaded Lizard to me.”

      “I think she’s kind of cute.”

      “Anyone with a face like yours would think that a lizard was cute.”

      Sally May bent down and held the thing, uh, the baby up where I could see it, her, whatever it was. “Hank, this is Molly. And Molly, this is Hank. Hank, I want you to take good care of little Miss Molly. She’s a real treasure.”

      I eased my nose towards the face and sniffed it several times. Okay, what we had here was a human baby child, a girl named Molly. She belonged to Sally May and Loper, and right then and there I took an oath to protect and defend her against monsters, snakes, and other crawling things. Even bobcats.

      And to seal the oath, I licked her on the face. For some reason, the little creature let out a squall.

      Sally May must not have understood the im­portance of this gesture or the seriousness of the occasion, for she jerked the baby back and shrieked at me.

      “DON’T LICK MY BABY, YOU MORON!” Then Loper came thundering up. “Hank, for crying out loud, don’t lick the baby!”

      I tucked my tail between my legs and re­treated a few steps, and then Drover, the little goof, said, “You better not lick the baby.”

      I glared at him. “Drover, you needn’t repeat the obvious.”

      “Yeah, but you licked her on the face with your tongue and that’s not nice.”

      “Would it have been nicer if I’d licked her on the foot with my ear?”

      He rolled his eyes. “Well, I don’t know about that.”

      “The answer is no, it wouldn’t have been nicer. It would have been impossible. Her foot was covered up and my ears don’t lick. I did what I could do with what I had, and no dog could have done more than that.”

      “Yeah, but you could have done less.”

      “Exactly my point. And now we come to the final summation of everything I’ve been saying.”

      “Oh good. What is it?”

      “Shut your little trap.”

      “Oh, well that sure sums it up.”

      Sally May carried her baby into the house and Loper followed with a bunch of suitcases and bags. They left Little Alfred, who was four years old, out in the yard. He was wearing a pair of striped overalls and had his hands stuck in the pockets.

      Also, I noticed that his lower lip was sticking out. He didn’t look very happy, seemed to me, and I went over to cheer him up. He kicked a rock and looked at me.

      “I don’t wike that baby. I want to take her back to the hospito.”

      Well, I had a little talk with the boy and tried to explain things to him. Me and Alfred were special pals, see. I’d helped raise the boy and we’d always been able to talk things over.

      “Son,” I said, “I know that your little sister ain’t very pretty right now, and she makes a lot of noise, but she’ll grow out of it and one of these days you’ll be proud to have her on the place.”

      “No I won’t. You don’t care about me and you’re not my fwiend anymore and I don’t wike you either. And I’m going to hit you.”

      I wagged my tail and tried to . . .

      Would you believe it? The little snot slapped me right across the nose! If anybody else had done that, fellers, I would have removed his arm and half a leg. But you might recall that, many years before, I had taken the Cowdog Oath and sworn never to bite a child—even one that deserved it.

      So I didn’t bite him. And he hit me again. And then he grabbed

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