LITMIR.BIZ

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ON EARTH am I doing?

      April spent the whole time on the motorway questioning herself. Riley’s hands gripped the steering wheel so tightly his knuckles were white. He’d looked pale this morning. As if he hadn’t slept a wink.

      By the time the satnav took them into the Birmingham street, the tension was so high she felt as if it could propel the car into the sky. As he killed the engine she leaned over and put one of her hands over his. She really didn’t want to touch him. Touching Riley did strange things to her senses, but this wasn’t about her. This was about a little boy.

      ‘Stop.’

      ‘What?’

      ‘Just...stop.’

      He pulled back his hands and sat back in the seat. ‘What are you talking about?’

      She could see the tension across his shoulders, reaching up into his jaw.

      ‘You can’t go in there like this.’

      ‘What?’ The anger that had been simmering beneath the surface was threatening to crack through.

      ‘This is the first time Finn will see you. None of this is his fault. He’s about to meet his dad—someone he’s only seen in a photograph before.’

      She lifted up her hand as Riley opened his mouth to speak. ‘I thought about this last night. I told you I don’t have any experience with kids, but what do I think this little boy needs to hear?’ She leaned a little closer to him. ‘I think he needs to hear his dad loves him. His dad is going to look after him and stay with him. His dad is his family and you’ll always be together.’

      He frowned and then his face relaxed and he shook his head. ‘I know. I know that’s exactly what I should say.’ He lifted one hand and ran it through his hair. ‘I spoke to my brother last night.’

      Her stomach twisted. ‘Isn’t he in Scotland?’

      Riley nodded. ‘He’s on a training exercise. There’s supposed to be radio silence. But the Colonel made some arrangements for me. Dan was blown away. Says he can’t wait to meet Finn.’

      ‘Good. That’s great. At least you know you’ll have the support of your family.’ Then she tilted her head to the side. Something seemed just a little off. ‘What aren’t you saying? Did you speak to your mum and dad?’

      He shook his head and put one hand back on the steering wheel. ‘That’s the one thing Dan actually understands. My mum and dad will be great. They’ll be overwhelmed. They’ve always wanted a grandchild. But—’

      ‘But what? Don’t you need all the help you can get?’

      Riley hesitated. ‘My mum...has the best of intentions. I love her. I really do. But she’ll want to take over. She’ll pick up her life and sweep right down.’

      ‘Ah...and you don’t want that?’

      Riley smiled. ‘Maybe...eventually. But right now I need to get to know Finn. I need to spend some time with him. Like I said, I have no idea about five-year-old boys.’

      April shook her head. ‘Well, that’s a strange thing to say.’

      He shrugged. ‘Why?’

      She lifted her hands. ‘Because you’ve been one. Your brother has been one. You know all you need to know about five-year-old boys.’

      He shifted in his seat and pulled his phone from his pocket. ‘Look at this.’ He opened an app. ‘This is what I bought last night.’

      She leaned forward to glance at the screen and couldn’t help the little laugh that came out. ‘A parenting guide? You bought a parenting guide?’ She started shaking her head.

      ‘What? I told you. I don’t know anything. Anything at all.’

      She leaned back against the seat and looked over at him. Riley Callaghan was just about to change before her eyes. The doctor, the soldier and the cheeky charmer was about to take on a whole new role. She admired him for his fear. She admired him for wanting to get to know Finn without letting his mother take over.

      Her mouth dried. This was a whole world that she’d never know. She’d already made the decision. She’d never have kids. Her biological clock would never be allowed to tick. When her sister had died it had almost been like watching herself in a mirror. Mallory hadn’t had the information that she had. April’s genetic testing had only been approved because of Mallory’s diagnosis and a look back through the family history. If she ignored the results she would be disrespecting her sister’s memory. She could never do that.

      But this time of year was especially hard. Her heart gave a little squeeze as she thought of her parents. Before this—before any of this—her mother had always joked she would like a house filled with grandchildren once she retired. But that would never happen now.

      And even though her mum and dad fully supported her decision, she knew they had a secret ache for the future life they were losing.

      ‘April?’

      Riley’s voice pulled her from her thoughts. She gave him a soft smile and wrestled in her pocket for her own phone. She turned it around so he could see her Internet search: Top ten Christmas toys for five-year-old boys.

      Riley groaned. ‘Christmas. It’s only six weeks away. I made no plans because I thought I’d be in Sierra Leone. I don’t even have a Christmas tree.’

      ‘It’s the middle of November. You have time.’

      He was staring at her with those bright green eyes. There was silence for a few seconds. She shifted in her seat and brought her hand up to wipe her cheek. ‘What is it—do I have something on my face?’

      ‘Why wouldn’t you talk to me before?’

      She was surprised. ‘I did. We spoke about patients all the time.’

      He gave a gentle shake of his head. ‘But you wouldn’t talk to me about anything else.’ He paused and continued with his curious stare. ‘April, why did you tell me you were good at funerals?’

      She could sense his wariness in asking the question. But he’d still asked. He was like this at work too. He always asked patients the difficult questions. Always spoke to the surgeons about the risks and possibilities.

      This time he reached out and touched her hand. ‘April, did you lose someone? Were you married?’

      She closed her eyes for a second. Riley had only been there four weeks. Word obviously hadn’t reached him. Then again, the turnover of staff at Waterloo Court could be high. Not everyone knew her background and she preferred it that way.

      This wasn’t normally something she would share. But she’d just shared a major part of Riley’s life. If they’d been on the ward, she would have found a way to dodge the question. But, alone in the confines of the car, there was nowhere to hide. And she didn’t want to tell a lie.

      ‘I lost my sister,’ she said quietly.

      The warmth of his hand was flooding through her system. ‘When?’

      ‘Eighteen months ago.’

      ‘Was it an accident?’

      She licked her lips. She should have known he would press for more details. This was hard. Probably because she hadn’t really shared with anyone before. Probably because she didn’t want them to figure out the next step. ‘No. It wasn’t an accident.’ The rest of the words stuck somewhere in the back of her throat. She didn’t mention the cancer. She didn’t mention the fact they were twins. She didn’t mention the genetic tests. These were all things that Riley Callaghan didn’t need to know.

      By some grace, he didn’t ask any more. He didn’t ask those details. ‘You organised the funeral?’

      She nodded. ‘She was my sister. My mum and dad were devastated—we all were—but it seemed

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