LITMIR.BIZ

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the circus to sign on up for the sideshow.

      “I’m not normal,” she said, still speaking into her pillow because crying made her puffy and she didn’t need for Jack to see her looking even more hideous. “I was planning my death and instead I got caught up in math equations. Normal people don’t do that.”

      “You’re right, Meri. You’re not normal. You’re way better than that. You’re a genius. The rest of us are idiots.”

      He wasn’t an idiot. He was perfect.

      “I’ve been in college since I was twelve,” she mumbled. “That’s five years. If I was really smart, I’d be done now.”

      “You’re getting a Ph.D., not to mention your, what, third masters?”

      “Something like that.” Unable to be in the same room with him and not look at him, she flipped onto her back.

      God, he was so amazing, she thought as her chest tightened and her stomach turned over a couple of times. Technically the organ in question couldn’t turn over. What she felt was just—

      She covered her face with her hands. “I have to find a way to turn off my brain.”

      “Why? So you can be like the rest of us?”

      She dropped her hands to her side. “Yes. I want to be a regular girl.”

      “Sorry. You’re stuck being special.”

      She loved him so much it hurt. She wanted him to think she was more than his best friend’s kid sister. She wanted him to see her as a woman.

      Right, and while she was having a fantasy moment… maybe he could see her as a beautiful woman he ached for. As if!

      “I don’t have any friends,” she said as she did her best to ignore the need to tell him she would love him forever. “I’m too young, especially in the Ph.D. program. They all think I’m some upstart kid. They’re waiting for me to crash and burn.”

      “Which isn’t going to happen.”

      “I know, but between my academic isolation and my lack of a female role model since the death of my mother, the odds of my maturing to a normal functioning member of society grow more slim each day. Like I said—I’m a freak.” Tears rolled down her temples to get lost in her hair. “I’ll never have a boyfriend.”

      “Give it a couple of years.”

      “It’s not going to happen. And even if some guy does take pity on me and ask me out, he’ll have to be drunk or stoned or something to want to kiss me, let alone have sex with me. I’m going to d-die a virgin.”

      The sobs began again.

      Jack pulled her into a sitting position and wrapped his arms around her. “Hell of a birthday,” he said.

      “Tell me about it.”

      She snuggled close, liking how strong and muscular he felt. He smelled good, too. If only he were desperately in love with her, the moment would be perfect.

      But that was not meant to be. Instead of declaring undying devotion and ripping off both their clothes or even kissing her, he shifted back so they weren’t even touching.

      “Meri, you’re in a tough place right now. You don’t fit in here and you sure don’t fit in with kids your own age.”

      She wanted to protest she was almost his age—there were only four years between them—and she fit with him just fine. But Jack was the kind of guy who had dozens of women lining up to be with him. Pretty, skinny girls she really, really hated.

      “But you’re going to get through this and then life is going to be a whole lot better.”

      “I don’t think so. Freakishness doesn’t just go away.”

      He reached out and touched her cheek. “I have high hopes for you.”

      “What if you’re wrong? What if I do die a virgin?”

      He chuckled. “You won’t. I promise.”

      “Cheap talk.”

      “It’s what I’m good at.”

      He leaned toward her, and before she knew what he was going to do, he kissed her. On the mouth!

      She barely registered the soft, warm pressure of his lips on hers and then the kiss was over.

      “No!” She spoke without thinking and grabbed the front of his sweatshirt. “Jack, no. Please. I want you to be my first time.”

      She’d never seen a man move so fast. One second he was on her bed, the next he was standing by the door to her dorm room.

      Shame and humiliation swept through her. She would have given a hundred IQ points to call those words back. Heat burned her cheeks until she knew she would be marked by the embarrassment forever.

      She’d never meant him to know. He’d probably guessed she had a massive crush on him, but she’d never wanted him to be sure.

      “Jack, I…”

      He shook his head. “Meri, I’m sorry. You’re…you’re Hunter’s little sister. I could never… I don’t see you like that.”

      Of course not. Why would he want a beast when there were so many beauties throwing themselves at him?

      “I understand. Everything. Just go.”

      He started to leave, then turned back. “I want us to be friends. You’re my friend, Meri.” And with those horrifying words, he left.

      Meri sat on the edge of her bed and wondered when she would stop hurting so much. When would she fit in? When would she stop loving Jack? When would she be able to walk in a room and not wish for the floor to open up and swallow her whole?

      Automatically she reached under her bed and pulled out the plastic storage container filled with her snacks. After grabbing a frosted cupcake, she unwrapped it.

      This was it—she’d officially hit bottom. Nothing would ever be worse than this exact moment. It was like dark matter in the universe. The absolute absence of anything. It was the death of hope.

      She took a bite of the cupcake. Shame made her chew fast and swallow. When the sugar and fat hit her system, she wouldn’t hurt so bad. She wouldn’t feel so lonely or totally rejected by Jack Howington III. Damn him.

      Why couldn’t he love her back? She was a good person. But she wasn’t busty and blond and tiny, like the girls he dated and slept with.

      “I have a brain,” she murmured. “That scares guys.”

      She said the words bravely, but she knew it was more than her incredible IQ that chased off boys. It was how she looked. How she’d allowed food to be everything, especially after her mom died four years ago. It was turning down her father’s badly worded offer to take her to a plastic surgeon to talk about her nose. She screamed that if he really loved her, he would never, ever talk about it again, when in truth she was scared. Scared of changing and scared of being the same.

      She stood and stared at the closed dorm room door. “I hate you, Jack,” she said as tears slipped down her cheeks. “I hate you and I’ll make you suffer. I’m going to grow up and be so beautiful you have to sleep with me. Then I’m going to walk away and break your heart. Just watch me.”

       Present day

      Jack Howington III had driven two days straight to get to Lake Tahoe. He could have flown his jet, then picked up a rental car for the month he was going to be forced to stay at Hunter’s house, but he’d needed the downtime to clear his head.

      His assistant had been frantic, unable to reach him in the more rural parts of the country, but he’d enjoyed the silence. There hadn’t been enough silence in his life for a long, long time. Even when he was alone, there were still the damn ghosts to contend

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