LITMIR.BIZ

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you, this is after I lost all control.” Josh took another swig of his beer. “But this text...I guess she meant to send it someone else. It was obvious it was never meant for me to see.”

      “Oh, really? That’s happened to me before. What did it say?”

      “Basically it just said she had feelings for me.”

      “What? That’s awesome. That makes it so much easier for you now.” Jamie took a sip of his beer. Then, as if he had thought about it a moment, he sat up straighter. “Wait. Now I am confused. Why isn’t she here then? I thought you were in love with her. Shouldn’t she be here playing kissy face with you now that the secret is out?”

      “It’s complicated.”

      “Well, uncomplicate it for me.”

      “I am in love with her. That’s a given. But I can’t be with her.”

      “That doesn’t make any sense. Why not?”

      “I thought we talked about this.”

      “We did, but I’m still not seeing it.”

      “She belongs to Drew. She always will be hands off to me. Our friendship means too much to me to muck it up.”

      “So what has happened now hasn’t already mucked it up? I mean, look around. You still lost her.”

      “I guess no matter what I do, I lose. At least this way I have the hope that she will find someone better than me and will eventually forgive me.”

      “Are you kidding me? Who could possibly be a better match for her than you?”

      “Tons of guys.”

      “You’re full of it!”

      Minutes passed with neither saying a word. He hated that deep down inside he felt he could never be enough for Micah. But what if this was the universe’s way of pushing him to be more?

      “So, wait. Go back. Tell me what happened after she sent you that text message. What did you say in response?”

      “Well, I went over there. No matter what, I couldn’t say anything to her through text message.”

      “Right. That is always a bad idea.”

      “She was crying and you could tell just how much she hadn’t wanted me to know. She was stressing about it to the max.”

      “What did you tell her?”

      “I told her I couldn’t do it.”

      “You couldn’t do what?”

      “I couldn’t be with her. I could not do this with her.”

      “Are you freaking kidding me?”

      “No. What was I supposed to say?”

      “I don’t know. Anything but that.”

      “This sucks! I don’t know what to do to make it better.”

      “You tell her the truth. You tell her you love her and that you are a freaking idiot and you can’t live without her.”

      “You don’t understand.”

      “You’re right. I don’t.”

      “I’ll figure it out later. I don’t want to think any more about it right now. Why are we wasting time talking about relationships like a bunch of girls when there is a perfectly good football game about to start?”

      “Seriously, though. Don’t be an idiot and let her get away.”

      “Okay. You’re done. Football game is on.” Josh turned up the volume and let the announcer’s voice drown out his friend as well as his thoughts.

      It didn’t work, though. The game was on but Josh wasn’t watching. How had everything spiraled out of control so quickly? Ten years. It had been ten years since Drew’s death and the vow he had made. He had successfully kept it a secret for a decade, and now it all threatened to crumble.

      Jamie gave advice so freely, but if he knew the truth he would understand.

      “Here, have another beer. I can hear the wheels turning in your head.” Jamie handed him a bottle of beer, but he waved it off.

      “No. I don’t need it.”

      The memories of that night had haunted him for such a long time. It had always kept a much-needed wall between him and Micah. He wasn’t sure when, but she had climbed over it, demolishing the barrier.

      “You ready to make me understand?”

      “I don’t know, man.” Josh dragged the palm of his hand down his face. It was all too much. Maybe he should talk about it. Get it out in the open, so to speak. “She doesn’t know the truth about Drew’s death.”

      “What do you mean?”

      “It was my fault.”

      The look on Jamie’s face told him he didn’t believe him. Josh knew what he was thinking. Drew had been alone when he died. No other cars to blame. No other passengers to distract him.

      “I know what you’re thinking. He was driving too fast and it was raining. But...see, Drew called me. He was on the phone with me when he died.”

      “Oh, man...” Jamie leaned forward on the couch and rested his elbows on his knees.

      “We were arguing.”

      “About what?”

      “Micah.” Josh took a deep breath. “I’ve always been in love with her and Drew knew it. He was setting me straight, telling me how it was going to be.”

      Jamie remained still as Josh spoke. “It was because of me that he wasn’t paying attention, that he was going so fast. I can still remember everything. The screeching, the shattering, the twisting. I didn’t know where he was or what had happened. I was too afraid to hang up on him to call for help. So I kept talking to him.”

      “Oh, God. Josh, why didn’t you tell us?”

      “What was I supposed to say?” Josh leaned forward and put his head in his hands. “I sat there in my truck in the middle of the rain and listened to our best friend take his last breath.”

      He fought to shake the memories from his head. He didn’t want to think about Drew’s last words just now.

      “Once I snapped out of it, I ran into the house and called 911. It took awhile to figure everything out, but eventually I found myself standing in front of the wreckage. The paramedics had already left. They had taken him away in a body bag. Nothing left to do. Bright red-and-blue lights flashed all around as the police officers investigated and tried to make sense of what happened.”

      Josh remembered standing there as a deluge of heavy raindrops soaked through his thick coat. It was then that he took on the massive weight of guilt. Putting it on his shoulders like a cloak. It was all his fault. It was there in that moment that Josh had vowed never to breathe a word of this to Micah. She would hate him forever if she knew the truth. He would keep his promise and watch over her. He would protect her and never cross over the boundaries of friendship. He would do it for Drew.

      “You know what happened. Drew’s car lost control. He was going way too fast when he took that turn on Elk Street. By that point there was no way he could have avoided that tree. The car didn’t stand a chance with an immovable oak. Instead it just wrapped around it. The misshapen mass of metal that I saw bore no resemblance to a vehicle. No one could have survived something like that. If I hadn’t done something that day to piss him off, Drew wouldn’t have been upset. He wouldn’t have called me while driving in the pouring rain. He wouldn’t have been driving so recklessly. He wouldn’t have taken that corner so fast. But because of me, he did.”

      “Josh, we both know that Drew was a reckless driver no matter what mood he was in. He was always talking

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