LITMIR.BIZ

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leave her here in the middle of rural Leicestershire with no transport, but the thought of having to sit through the whole car journey home with her after explaining why last night had been a mistake filled him with dread.

      He jumped as a slender arm snaked round his middle and Cara kissed down the length of his spine, before pulling herself up to sit behind him with her legs on either side of his body, her breasts pressing into his back.

      ‘Good morning,’ she said, her voice guttural with sleep.

      Fighting to keep his body from responding to her, he put his hand on the arm that was wrapped around his middle and gently prised it away.

      ‘Are you okay?’ she asked, her tone sounding worried now.

      ‘Fine.’ He stood up and grabbed his trousers, pulling them on roughly before turning back to her.

      She’d tugged the sheet around her and was looking up at him with such an expression of concern he nearly reached for her.

      Steeling himself against the impulse, he shoved his hands in his pockets and looked at her with as much cool determination as he could muster.

      ‘This was wrong, Cara. Us, doing this.’

      ‘What?’ Her eyes widened in confused surprise.

      ‘I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have let it happen. I got caught up in the moment, which was selfish of me.’

      Her expression changed in an instant to one of panic. ‘No.’ She held out her hands beseechingly. ‘Please don’t be sorry about it. I wanted it to happen, too.’

      He swallowed hard, tearing his eyes away from her worried gaze. ‘I can’t give you what you want long-term, Cara.’

      Pulling the sheet tighter around her body, she frowned at him. ‘You don’t know what I want.’

      He smiled sadly. ‘Yes, I do. You want this to turn into something serious, but I don’t. I’m happy with my life the way it is.’

      ‘You’re happy?’ She looked incredulous.

      He rubbed his hand over his face in irritation. ‘Yes, Cara, I’m happy,’ he said, but he felt the lie land heavily in his gut.

      ‘But what we had last night—and all day yesterday—I didn’t imagine it.’ She shook her head as if trying to throw off any niggling doubts. ‘It was so good. It felt right between us, Max. Surely you felt that, too.’

      He looked at her steadily, already hating himself for what he was about to say. ‘No. Sorry.’ He scrubbed a hand through his hair. ‘Look, I was feeling lonely and you happened to be there. I feel awful about it and I won’t blame you for being angry.’

      She didn’t believe him; he could see it in her eyes.

      ‘I understand why you’re panicking,’ she said, holding out her hands in a pleading gesture, ‘because we’ve just changed the nature of our relationship and it’s a scary thing, taking things a step further, especially after what happened to Jemima...’

      ‘See, that’s the thing, Cara. I’ve been through that once and I’m not prepared to put myself through something like that again.’

      ‘But it was so random—’

      ‘The type of illness isn’t the point here. It’s the idea of pouring all your love into one person, only to lose them in the blink of an eye. I can go through that again.’

      ‘But you can’t cut yourself off from the world, Max. It’ll drive you insane.’

      He took a pace forward and folded his arms across his chest. ‘You want to know what really drives me insane—that my wife was lying there in hospital with the life draining out of her and there wasn’t a thing I could do about it. Not one damn thing. I promised her I’d look after her through thick and thin. I failed, Cara.’ His throat felt tight with emotion he didn’t want to feel any more.

      ‘You didn’t fail.’

      He rubbed a hand over his eyes, taking a deep breath to loosen off the tension in his chest. ‘I’m a fixer, Cara, but I couldn’t fix that.’

      ‘There wasn’t anything you could have done.’

      ‘I could have paid her more attention.’

      ‘I’m sure she knew how much you loved her.’

      And there was the rub. He did love Jemima. Too much to have room for anyone else in his heart.

      ‘Yes, I think she did. But that doesn’t change anything between you and me. I don’t want this, Cara,’ he said, waggling a finger between the two of them.

      She stared at him in disbelief. ‘So that’s it? You’ve made up your mind and there’s nothing I can do to change it?’

      ‘Yes.’

      Tipping up her chin, she looked him dead in the eye. ‘Do you still want me to work for you?’ she asked, her voice breaking with emotion.

      Did he? His working life had been a lot less stressful since she’d been around, but what had just happened between them would make his personal life a lot more complicated. They were between a rock and a hard place. ‘Yes. But I’ll understand if it’s too uncomfortable for you to stay.’

      ‘So you’d let me just walk away?’

      He sighed. ‘If that’s what you want.’

      The look she gave him chilled him to the bone. ‘You know, I don’t believe for a second that Jemima would have wanted you to mourn her for the rest of your life. I think she’d have wanted you to be happy. You need to stop hiding behind her death and face the world again. Like you said you were going to yesterday. What happened to that, Max? Hmm? What happened to you? Jemima might not be alive any more, but you are and you need to stop punishing yourself for that and start living again.’

      ‘I’m not ready—’

      ‘You know, I love you, Max,’ she broke in loudly, her eyes shining with tears.

      He took a sharp intake of breath as the words cut through him. No. He didn’t want to hear that from her right now. She was trying to emotionally manipulate him into doing something he didn’t want to do.

      ‘How can you love me?’ Anger made his voice shake. ‘We barely know each other.’

      ‘I know you, Max,’ she said calmly, her voice rich with emotion.

      ‘You might think you do because I’ve told you a few personal things about myself recently, but that doesn’t mean you get who I am and what I want.’

      ‘Do you know what you want? Because it seems to me you’re stopping yourself from being happy on purpose. You enjoyed being with me yesterday, Max, I know it.’

      ‘I did enjoy it, but not in the way you think. It was good to get out of the house and have some fun, but that’s all it was, Cara, fun.’

      She shook her head, her body visibly shaking now. ‘I don’t believe you.’

      ‘Fine. Don’t believe me. Keep living in your perfect little imaginary world where everything is jolly and works out for the best, but don’t expect me to show up.’

      She reacted as if his words had physically hurt her, jolting back and hugging her arms around herself. ‘How can you say that to me?’

      Guilt wrapped around him and squeezed hard. She was right; it was a low blow after what he’d already put her through, but he was being cruel to be kind. Sinking onto the edge of the bed, he held up a pacifying hand. ‘You see, I’m messed up, Cara. It’s too soon for me. I’m not ready for another serious relationship. Maybe I’ll never be ready. And it’s not fair to ask you to wait for me.’

      Her shoulders stiffened, as if she was fighting to keep them from slumping. ‘Okay. If that’s the way you feel,’ she clipped out.

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