LITMIR.BIZ

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all the rose beds and ferns, bronze statues, ceramic ladybirds and smirking Buddhas, lay the large rectangular pool with the statue in the middle; a laughing pearl fisherman, spouting water from his ears. It all looked so beautiful, lit by outdoor nightlights, making the water look as appealing as an icy blue cocktail on a hot beach. People had thrown coins in, and the bottom was green with algae in patches, but otherwise it was quite clear. A string of lights that looked like blue ice cubes hung around the edge of the pool.

      Max had known me when I swam – in the days when my dad used to call me ‘Little Fish’ because I could hold my breath underwater for a whole minute. Now, I was ‘Volcano Girl’ – the Commonwealth Games hopeful with a county record for the 400 metres. In the days before dieting and 6 a.m. jogs got their claws into me, I’d loved to swim. But I didn’t even own a costume any more. And Dad hadn’t called me Little Fish for years.

      ‘Good idea, this,’ said Max, kicking off his trainers and ruffling his socks down over his feet. ‘I didn’t shower after football.’ He pulled his T-shirt up over his back. I took off my top and skirt, until I had on only my black sports bra and Snoopy knickers. It never used to bother me that my underwear didn’t match.

      I got in as Max lowered himself beneath the surface. I watched his body shimmer through the blue water until he bobbed up in front of me with a smile, a dolphin expecting chum. He put his hands on the ledge, either side of me.

      ‘Hello,’ he said, droplets of water peppering his skin all over.

      ‘It’s colder than I thought.’ I shivered. His hair looked darker when it was wet.

      ‘Your rash any better?’

      I looked down at my elbow creases. ‘Yeah.’

      I hugged him towards me and we stayed like that until he pulled back and kissed me in a desperate smash of lips and tongues and teeth. I wanted to lie down with him and just kiss, stroking his bare back like I sometimes did. I liked the feel of his body against me, and I felt safe, holding him. That was all I wanted to do. But he wanted more. He was so ready. I’d thought that if I kissed him long enough I would be ready too—that I’d get the feeling. The hunger. The throb between my legs. But it wasn’t there. There was something in the way.

      ‘Come on,’ I said, and started moving away from him, climbing out of the pool.

      ‘Where are we going now?’ he said.

      ‘Where do you think?’ I said, reaching over for his hand.

      He scrunched his face up. ‘I better stay here. Got a kind of – situation going on.’

      ‘It’s because of that. Come on.

      We padded through to Garden Furnishings to grab some picnic blankets, and then back out between the foliage towards the sheds, like Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden. We chose a two-storey Wendy house with window boxes then we spread out the blankets on the floor and lay down. Our breaths were hot. Our skin was wet. He moved on top of me and kissed me all over my face, gentle as a moth bumping a light bulb.

      ‘You’re shaking like a jelly,’ he chuckled.

      ‘I’m fine. I’m just cold.’

      Maybe it would be all right this time. It was no big deal. Everyone did it. I stroked across the span of his back, his skin as soft as catmint.

      Before my brain could catch up with my body, I moved him away and reached down to peel off my wet Snoopy pants. I flung them outside the shed and they landed with a splat on the path. It would be all right.

      ‘Are you sure you want to?’ Smiling like Christmas had just arrived, he started wriggling out of his boxers.

      ‘Come on, quickly. Before I change my mind.’

      I couldn’t have felt less in the mood than if he was measuring me up for my coffin.

      ‘Why do we have to be quick? We’ve got all night.’

      ‘Before I lose my nerve then,’ I laughed, and shuffled back underneath him. I didn’t want to think too much about it this time. I just wanted it done.

      ‘Ella, if you don’t want to . . .’

      ‘No I do, I do want to. Please. Come on.’

      ‘I haven’t got any condoms.’

      ‘I don’t care this time. Come on, please – quickly. Kiss me again.’

      As we kissed, Max’s hands were in my hair, then at my neck, my side, around my hips and my bottom before one of them sneaked around the front. He was going ‘there’.

      ‘Kiss me again.’

      I kept my eyes open. I wasn’t worried. This was Max and he loved me. I was safe in his arms. We both wanted this.

      ‘You smell so good.’

      ‘You do too,’ I said in breaths, even though the only thing I could smell was the intense spicy smell of the wooden shed. ‘Tell me you love me.’

      His fingers were going deeper. ‘I love you so much, Ella. God, I want you.’ He un-clicked my sports bra and pulled it off. ‘I want you so badly.’

      I held his head against my neck as my tears rolled down my cheeks into my ears. The necklace had slid down – the bear was resting on my sweaty shoulder, looking at me.

      His tongue flicked inside my mouth. ‘I want you so much.’

      I slid my hand into his hair and grabbed a tuft. Any second now, I’d want this too.

      ‘You’re gorgeous,’ he said. Silently, a dragon roared in my belly. Max wriggled about, positioning himself so every inch of his naked body was against some naked part of mine. ‘Kinda need you to open your legs a bit though, Ells,’ he laughed.

      I was lying like a corpse. ‘Oh sorry.’

      Oh God, this was it. We were actually going to do it. I wasn’t going to be scared. I grabbed on to his back. I looked up through the roof of the Wendy house, and through a crack in the wood I saw starlight. I drew up my knees. He was going to put it inside me. Any second now. The starlight grew blurry in my eyes.

      I closed my eyes and found a memory. Fallon and me, dancing on rocks, laughing so hard about something. Max and Zane were pulling at branches in the woods – making a den. Corey was sitting on a pebble beach, trying to catch a fish with a stick and some string. We were best friends who danced, built dens, fished, had picnics and swam whole summers away. And we had the best big sister to look after us and tell us stories.

       ‘Who wants to hear my new story? I just finished it.’

       ‘Me! Me! Me! I do! I do!’

       ‘Right, get over here, then.’

      There weren’t always five of us. Sometimes, it had been six.

      Then I realised where we were. We were on the island – the sea had swallowed the land. I looked around. I was alone. They’d all gone. I was stuck there, forever screaming.

      ‘Ella?’

      With a jolt of panic, I was wrenched back to now, back to the hard shed floor, Max’s heavy body on top of me, waiting for the pain I knew was coming.

      ‘Ella?’

      I was panting. ‘Just do it, Max. Do it, please. I’m ready. I’m ready. I’m ready.’

      But I wasn’t ready. I was crying. The only thing I was ready to do at that moment was vomit. And just as he pulled away from me, a thick surge raced up my throat.

      ‘Oh God,’ I managed to squeak, lunging for the open shed door as everything I’d eaten that day erupted from my mouth before I’d reached the nearest bush.

      How to Kill a Moment, by Estella Grace Newhall.

      For the next minute, the only sound was me

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