If Only... - Tanya Wright

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Micah, put some clothes on!” Okay, so maybe that came out a little more forcefully than he had planned. He mentally added jerk to his growing list of attributes: disloyal, guilty, betrayer.

      She stomped back into his bedroom, only to return wearing last night’s clothes. Her wet hair left damp spots on the shoulders of her top.

      “What are you doing?”

      “I’m leaving.”

      “C’mon, Micah. You don’t have to go. Sabina doesn’t get off work until later.” He really did feel bad for snapping at her.

      “I can’t handle being cooped up in this apartment for another second. You’re being all cranky and whatnot. And, well, I don’t have to put up with it.”

      She pulled the wet strands of her hair up and secured it with an elastic, put on her shoes and grabbed her coat. “Call me when your cycle is over and we can be friends again.”

      Without moving from his place on the couch, he watched as her fleeting figure disappeared. And just like always, she left a gaping Micah-shaped hole in her wake.

      * * *

      Micah stormed from the apartment building and out into the bright light of day. Ah, she wished she had her purse! Sunglasses would have been nice. Oh, and money. She was not going anywhere without that. Thank God she still had her phone in her back pocket, otherwise this would be a serious disaster. She called Sabina, not really expecting an answer. She never answered while at a photo shoot.

      “Hello?”

      “Oh, thank God!” Micah breathed a deep sigh of relief. “I can’t handle Josh for another moment. He’s driving me insane. When will you be done with your shoot?”

      “I have a break now. I can come get you if I hurry. Where are you?”

      “Outside Josh’s building.”

      “Okay. I’ll be there soon.”

      You could not get anywhere soon in Boston, but at least she now had a way home.

      Her eyes scanned the busy street as she pulled her coat up higher on her neck. The chill of October in Boston was seeping in through her jacket. Buildings surrounded her except for one solitary tree forcing its way into a concrete world. Its leaves had started to change, a bright golden-yellow providing a stark contrast amid the dark grays of the city.

      She still couldn’t shake what had just happened between her and Josh. Not that she could figure out any of it. At first she had thought the chemistry that exploded between them was mutual, but after the way he was acting, she knew she had imagined that. How stupid could she be? She was far from the kind of girl he was attracted to. He saw her as a sister, for crying out loud! They were best friends! Crossing over that boundary had been a monumental mistake.

      She had tried to brush it off as a joke, tried to ease the moment and laugh it off. But he was in such a bad mood she’d needed to get out of there quick. She needed to put some space between them in order to salvage their friendship. Hopefully after a day or two the kiss would be long forgotten and their friendship restored.

      After what felt like forever, Sabina’s SUV came into view as she maneuvered her way across lanes to stop outside Josh’s apartment building. Micah quickly jumped into the car so that Sabina wouldn’t be blocking traffic for too long. “Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I don’t know what I would have done if you hadn’t been able to come!”

      “What happened with Josh?”

      “You know...Josh just being Josh.”

      “Say no more. Know exactly what you mean. He can be such a pain in the butt.”

      After Sabina dropped her off at their apartment, Micah changed and climbed into the comfort of her bed. She rolled over onto something and reached under the covers to find the teddy bear Drew had given her.

      In the chaos surrounding the kiss, she had forgotten all about the dream. It had all seemed easier when Drew was still alive. Maybe all these new feelings for Josh were just misdirected emotions and longings. Maybe it was just her heart’s way of searching for Drew and instead finding Josh.

      Why did everything have to be so complicated?

      Happiness had come naturally back then, but it had been a long time since she had felt that way. She wanted it back. Part of her still wanted Drew back. Obviously that was impossible, but last night’s dream had been close.

      She swiped her finger across her phone screen and saw a text message from Josh.

      I’m such a jerk. Sorry <3

      It would be easy to respond, but instead she clicked her phone off.

      Micah was exhausted. These last couple months had taken her on an emotional roller coaster, but none of that had prepared her for the last twenty-four hours.

      She had been depressed and tired of it. She wanted to finally face the past head-on and put it behind her once and for all. But last night’s kiss coupled with the vivid dream that had brought all these memories back to the surface were all too much to handle.

      Drew was an important part of her past. Josh was an important part of her present. Both were intricately woven into the tapestry of her life. But the question that remained was, what about her future?

      She had dreamed of Drew again, but just as he would lean in to kiss her, the dream would suddenly change.

      “Josh.” Even saying his name aloud in the quietness of her room ignited something unfamiliar within her. She had joked about the kiss with him the day before, even going so far to blame it on him. She’d wanted to give the situation some levity, but it was proving to be far more serious than she thought. And Josh was taking up a good portion of her mind.

      The two men had taken over her every waking and sleeping thought. She would wake up, perspiration beading on her brow as she shook the images of last night’s dream from her mind.

      She was holding firm to the notion that they were connected. If she cleansed herself of one problem, the other would fix itself.

      Every year for the last ten years she had allowed herself a short time of grieving. This year was not shaping up to be quite what she had anticipated. This had to stop. She had to get control of this. No more moping. No more sadness. She would rid herself of her past once and for all.

      She got out of bed and opened her closet door. Reaching up, she pulled down a bulky, heavy box. It was a box she rarely opened anymore, but had been in her possession for the last ten years. As she lifted the lid, the smell of old things drifted through the air as easily as the sense of nostalgia enveloped her.

      Memories. Her memories.

      Even as she had every intention of going through the box to put an end to this madness, she found herself desperate to cling to the memories. She had loved him deeply. Something like that could not just be tossed aside.

      As she lifted an old photograph, she held it to her chest, wanting to grasp any part of Drew that she could. She couldn’t throw any of this away. Not yet.

      Time had seemed to wash out the memories, causing them to fade ever so slightly, but opening this box erased all the damage time had done.

      She had forgotten so many things about him. Even the pain of losing him had dimmed. She could no longer remember his voice or the expressions of his face. But her fragmented dreams had brought it all back.

      Lovingly, she lifted out his sweatshirt. The deep red color brought a different kind of sadness. She ran her fingers across the white letters stitched on the front—Harvard.

      He’d had such dreams, such potential. He might not have ever been accepted into Harvard, but she did not doubt that he would have been successful wherever he ended up.

      Putting

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