Hopelessly Devoted To You - Jill Steeples

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I want to explain to you why I dump…decided to end our relationship. I felt terrible when you asked me if I’d ever loved you. It seemed as though I’d never cared for you, which isn’t the case at all. I adored you. I adore you still, you know that. We had so many good times together and you became my very best friend, but I suppose I’ve always felt…I don’t know, it’s hard to explain, but I’ve always felt that I wasn’t quite enough for you. And I’m not sure why I’ve felt like that because I know you’ve only ever shown me complete love and affection. I know this is a cliché and you would probably have laughed in my face if I’d told you, but I honestly believe this is more about me and the way I’m feeling rather than having anything to do with you, Finn.

      ‘You have to admit I’ve always been hanging onto your coat-tails a bit. I didn’t mind being “the wind beneath your wings” but I wonder if you haven’t sometimes got a bit fed up of me, always being there, hanging onto your every word like an adoring puppy. I know you’ve never said anything to that effect, but I did wonder if there might not come a time when you would tire of my constant presence. Whether I might hold you back from reaching those amazing heights you’re destined to reach. I’m sure people must look at us and think “wow, how did those two ever get together?” I mean, I sometimes think it myself. How did we ever get together in the first place? I just don’t know. You were always so driven, ambitious and focused and I…well, I wasn’t. You could have had the pick of any one of the girls from my school, but you chose me instead. I was the envy of all my friends, suddenly I’d become valid in their eyes, but I must admit I was as bemused as they were by your interest in me. I sort of went along for the ride, not thinking it would last the week out let alone that we’d still be together ten years later. And I think that’s probably characterised our relationship. I’ve been swept along on that wave. I’m not saying it hasn’t been fun—it has! We’ve had some amazing times together but as ridiculous as it may sound I’ve not felt as though I made a conscious decision to be part of this relationship.’

      Ruby sighed and ran her hands through her hair. She edged forward on her chair, her hand feeling for the outline of Finn’s body beneath the sheet.

      ‘Does that make any sense whatsoever to you, Finn? Probably not. It doesn’t make much sense to me either. It’s just that I feel as though I’m not living my own life. How can I explain? It feels like I’m living my life solely as Finn’s girlfriend and soon to be Finn’s wife and that whole thing, that role as your other half, seems to have subsumed me completely. It’s left me almost gasping for breath, wanting to break free, and that means inevitably breaking free from you, yes, but more than that it’s a need to get away from the whole situation. I have to do this. To reconnect with myself somehow and work out what it is I actually want from my life. Of course I’m worried. Worried that I’m doing the wrong thing, that I might be on the brink of making the biggest mistake of my life.’

      She stroked the length of his arm lovingly, scanning his face for any sign, however tiny, that he might be hearing her words, understanding her meaning, but there was nothing.

      ‘Oh, hell,’ she cried, squeezing his hand even tighter. ‘What am I talking about? I’ve already done it, haven’t I? Last night now seems like the biggest mistake of my life. This wasn’t what I wanted, not at all, and now the thought of losing you from my life for ever is absolutely destroying me. I couldn’t bear it, Finn. You’re my friend and whatever else happens between us, I hope we’ll always be able to remain friends. So you see, Finn, you have to wake up. You simply have to. For me, for you, for everyone’s sake. Most importantly, you have to do it for your mum and dad. You are their life and if anything was to happen to you then I’m not sure how…’ Her words trailed away on a sigh.

      ‘And think of all your friends and all your colleagues at the firm. You’re a partner now, Finn! Remember? It’s what you’ve always wanted. You can’t not get better because the people of London need you to fight on their behalf against all the injustices of this world. Yes! What will happen to them if you’re not around to take up their causes?’

      Ruby let go of Finn’s hand gently and stood up. She arched her back and stretched her arms above her head before wandering over to the little window that overlooked a service bay at the back of the hospital. She peered outside and her heart sank even lower. It wasn’t a cheering view and the grey April morning only added to her sense of desolation and hopelessness. Would there ever be a life for her and Finn outside the confines of the depressing hospital room, she wondered, or had their lives been irrevocably changed for ever? She turned to look at Finn lying helplessly on the bed and felt a surge of longing and regret. Whatever her personal feelings for Finn, whatever had happened between them, she realised she needed to be strong for him. She couldn’t afford to be pessimistic or negative about Finn’s chances. If she didn’t believe in him and his ability to overcome this setback then what chance did he have? In her place she knew he would have remained resolutely positive. To the end. She rushed back to his side, grabbing hold of his hand again.

      ‘It is going to be all right, you know that, don’t you, Finn?’ She coughed, trying to clear her throat of the wobble threatening to overcome her. ‘Everything will work out in the end, I’m sure.’ She took a deep breath getting her emotions in check. ‘You’ll get better and you’ll go back to work and everything will be as it was. Well, almost everything. Because things change, obviously. Life moves on, but what I’m trying to say is that things will get back to some sort of normality. This is just a blip. Well, quite a big blip actually, but we will get over it together.

       ‘Do you know, your mum and dad don’t know yet about you being made a partner? Can you imagine how made up they’re going to be? I’ll tell them when I get the chance. Obviously at the moment the most important thing is getting you well again and that’s what’s occupying all of our minds. I won’t tell them about us, what happened the other night. It doesn’t seem relevant now. I’m not being deliberately evasive but I can’t see it achieving anything. Can you? Not for the moment at least. I want to see you through this, Finn. Get you well again. What is important is your recovery and that’s all you need to concentrate on. Will you do that for me, Finn?’

      She squeezed his hand tight, bending down to leave a gentle fleeting kiss on his cheek.

      ‘Don’t worry about anything. Your job, your flat, me or the wedding. It will all still be here when you wake up. Let your parents and me sort all that stuff out for now and once you’re better that’s when we can make plans…’

      Her voice trailed away. She knew instinctively there would be no going back for her and Finn. He dealt in absolutes. And the fact that she’d played her cards now, told Finn in no uncertain terms that she didn’t love him and had never loved him, would have left Finn in no doubt as to his future with Ruby. There could be none. She’d known by the hard look in his eyes, the resolute set to his jaw, as he’d ruminated over what she’d told him, that the bond between them had been well and truly shattered.

      Maybe they could stay friends, she thought, as a surge of desperation filled her chest, threatening to stifle her breathing. She ran her fingers along the length of his arm. Now it seemed more important to her than ever that she didn’t lose Finn from her life.

      ‘Look, Finn,’ she pleaded, bending over his bed to whisper in his ear, sounding as desperate as she felt. ‘Just wake up, will you? I promise, we can work everything out. Please don’t leave me. Not now. Not like this. Just wake up. Would you do that for me, please, Finn?’

      Despite her pleadings, her pacts with the devil, her prayers to God and her requests to the Cosmos, Finn stayed resolutely obstinate and showed no signs of waking up. Apart from one awful night a week after the accident when she received a frantic phone call from his parents saying she needed to get to the hospital immediately because…well, just because…they’d tell her when she got there, there’d been no activity whatsoever. Thankfully the panicked phone call had been a false alarm and the sudden dip in Finn’s condition had righted itself

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