LITMIR.BIZ

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is the sort of thing you might be unlucky to have happen to you when you’ve been married for years. Finding out your husband’s having an affair. Then you might be able to find a way to work through it; to come out the other side, but it’s not something that should ever happen before you actually get married. If he didn’t love me enough to stay loyal then can there be any future for us? Besides, I’m not sure that I’d want that now. I don’t know whether I want to be married to a man capable of that kind of deceit.’

      I took another glug of wine as Ben observed me thoughtfully, nodding his head in all the right places.

      ‘Can you ever imagine forgiving someone for doing that to you, Ben? Can you?’

      ‘I’m hardly the right person to ask. I don’t have much of a track record when it comes to successful relationships. But I’m guessing if you love someone enough you could probably forgive them anything, within reason. Enough at least to give them a second chance.’

      ‘You’re obviously more forgiving than I am. I’m not sure I want to give Ed a second chance.’ The act of saying the words aloud clarifying the fact in my own mind. ‘Or perhaps I don’t love him enough. Not enough to let him lie and cheat on me. One thing’s for sure: he didn’t love me enough.’

      ‘Come on.’ He stood up, looking as though he’d really had enough of my self-pitying wailing. ‘You need to get some rest. I’ll show you where you’ll be sleeping.’

      ***

      Ben’s guest bedroom had clearly not seen any guests in a long while. There was a single bed, or at least I think it was a bed beneath an impressive collection of cardboard boxes overflowing with stuff. To the side of the bed was an exercise bike, presumably in case I got the urge in the middle of the night, and a bare light bulb hanging forlornly in the centre of the room.

      ‘Lovely,’ I said, looking around and smiling as though I’d just been shown into the Presidential Suite of the Waldorf Astoria.

      ‘I’ll just clear these,’ said Ben, tackling the boxes and moving them onto the floor where they spilled out into the hallway. I helped with the removal job or else we might still have been there at dawn.

      ‘I’m only in the room next door,’ he said, giving me an awkward hug when we’d finally finished. ‘Just give me a shout if there’s anything you need.’

      I don’t think he means room service, I considered with a rueful smile. I sank down onto the bed with a sigh. If I wasn’t depressed before I arrived then I soon would be if I had to spend any length of time here. It wasn’t Ben’s fault; he’d been a complete star taking me in like this, but my shabby surroundings only seemed to highlight the neglect and loneliness I was feeling.

      I pulled off my jeans and T-shirt and slipped beneath the covers, knowing that I had as much chance of falling asleep as I did of getting married at the weekend.

      Weariness washed around my body, but my mind was still buzzing with the events of the day. When was their first time? How and when had it happened? Was it at the flat? I shuddered at the thought. Or was it at Ed’s place? And what the hell was I doing when my fiancé and my best friend were getting to know the intimacies of each other’s underwear?

      I couldn’t imagine it. Being with another man. There’d only ever been Ed, and Brian before him, and then that unfortunate one-night stand with Russell after my Halloween party. In my defence, his usual pasty demeanour had been transformed by a pair of fangs, some blood-red lips and a liberal application of hair gel, which had given him a dangerously glamorous air that only lasted for as long as the plastic cape, made from a black bin liner, that swept over his shoulders.

      But I’d been single then and that was fair game. Sophie and Ed were playing by their own dirty rules. For goodness’ sake, it was like me making a pass at Ben! It was totally off bounds.

      The sound of Sophie’s laughter tinkled around my head, tormenting me. Sophie laughed a lot. When she wasn’t grumping about wearing her bridesmaid dress, that is. Thinking about her laughing with Ed was almost worse than imagining the pair of them in bed together.

      Sophie was spontaneous and adventurous and glamorous. Not to mention treacherous! In fact, there were infinitesimal ‘ous’-ending adjectives that could be applied to Sophie.

      Maybe if I’d been a little bit more ‘ous’ like Sophie and a little less like … less like sensible, good old Anna, then maybe I wouldn’t be in this mess now.

      I tossed and turned in my bed, a restless energy pumping my veins. I wouldn’t be able to spend the night in this God-awful room. It was too easy to conjure up the feeling of Ed’s arms around me, the warmth of his embrace, his breath against my cheek, making my whole body tingle with frustrated anticipation. And sadness. I wondered if all those times he’d held me, he’d been thinking of Sophie instead, wishing he could be with her rather than with me.

      I swung my legs out of bed and undid my bra, dropping it to the floor, my nipples instantly responding to the chill in the air.

      I wandered over to the window and peered outside. There wasn’t a streetlight in sight. Just pitch-black nothingness. A bit like my mood.

      My hands reached out in the darkness for anything that would help guide me around the unfamiliar room. I found the old oak wardrobe and my leg brushed against the end of the bed before I almost tripped over one of those goddam boxes. The floorboards creaked as I made my way to the door. I turned the handle and found myself in the hallway.

      I took a deep breath.

      Spontaneous and adventurous and glamorous. How hard could it be?

      My eyes still hadn’t adjusted to the darkness, but I knew the next room had to be Ben’s. I could just make out the sound of the gentle rustling of a duvet coming from behind the door. Standing in my white M&S knickers and nothing else, I eased open the door and that’s when all holy hell broke loose.

      ‘Get out now or I’ll blow your fucking head off!’ Suddenly everything came into startling focus. Ben was standing on the bed, legs wide, brandishing a shotgun in my direction, fury blazing in his eyes.

      ‘Aarggghhhh!’ I screamed. And then I screamed some more, wrapping my arms around my tits, before thinking better of it and holding my arms up in the air.

      ‘Please don’t shoot me,’ I whimpered, fear holding my body rigid.

      ‘Oh, Jesus, Anna! Jesus, Jesus, Anna. What the hell do you think you’re doing? You scared the shit out of me. I thought you were an intruder.’

      ‘No! No, I’m not an intruder,’ I said, feeling it necessary to explain. ‘I’m sorry. I just …’

      ‘Christ!’ Utter disbelief coloured his features. ‘And why haven’t you got any clothes on?’

      He was actually looking at me with horror in his eyes. I dropped my arms wrapping them around my chest, only now feeling self-conscious. To be honest, I hadn’t thought much beyond slipping into bed with him, desperate for the warmth and reassurance of another human body.

      I could never have imagined he would react so extremely. Not good extremely. But very bad extremely. Had he not seen a naked women before?

      ‘I, um …’

      Suddenly I had no idea what I was doing here. I saw relief escape his shoulders as he tended to his gun, before putting it back safely beneath the bed. With the weapon out of the way, it felt safe enough at least to let my gaze roam over his body. It was Ben, but not as I knew him. Certainly not as I remembered him, when I’d last seen his near naked body, which would have been as a teenager, when we had day trips out to the beach together. Then he was just a spotty adolescent boy, my mate, and now … well, he’d filled out a bit. He was a proper man, with all the proper men’s bits, although why that should have been a surprise to me, I don’t know.

      He had on a pair of short cotton black trunks that skimmed his thighs. He was lean and muscular, his shoulders wide, the faint hint of dark hair blazing a trail

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