Hey Baby! - Angie Bates

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one believes us, but the whole thing started out as an incredibly kind deed. Two kind deeds, if you’re counting.

      It began when Rosie’s big sister Tiff and her boyfriend Spud had a quarrel. We could tell Rosie was upset the minute she walked into the classroom. When Rosie’s upset, everyone knows about it. Of course, she won’t actually tell you what’s wrong for hours. Her star sign’s Cancer. Sensitive but secretive, that’s Rosie. She’s such hard work sometimes.

      It took us nearly all lunchtime to drag it out of her. Then instead of just telling us like a normal person, she turned on the waterworks. And once she gets started, that girl could cry for England.

      “Tiff and Spud broke up,” she choked. “I heard her sobbing through the wall. It was awful.”

      “Poor Tiffany,” said Fliss, with that mushy look she gets if anyone even mentions boyfriends.

      Tiff is Rosie’s big sister. She’s fifteen. Personally, I don’t think she’s that special. I mean, the way Rosie goes on you’d think she’s some kind of superstar. But when I pictured little Miss Perfect crying in the dark over some stoopid boy, I felt a bit upset myself. Even though I don’t like her. Weird, eh?

      “What about Adam?” asked Lyndz. “He really likes Spud, doesn’t he?” Lyndz has a soft spot for Adam.

      Rosie nodded miserably. “They talk about computers for hours.”

      I yawned. Computers are cool, but talking about them is incredibly sad. I suppose it’s different for Adam, though. He’s got cerebral palsy and his computer helps him speak and everything.

      “So of course Dad’s invited Adam to stay for the weekend,” Rosie moaned.

      Rosie and Adam are great mates. But that doesn’t stop her getting all churned up about how their dad spends more time with her brother than he does with her. She’s got this huge chip about how everyone in her family leaves her out. She’s always on about it, so now I switch off as soon as she starts.

      I tuned back in just as Rosie said, “So we can’t have the sleepover at my house after all. Mum says it’s not fair to Tiff.”

      Now, nothing and no one interrupts Sleepover business, OK? Especially not Tiffany Cartwright’s love life. I did some quick thinking.

      “Why don’t you tell us exactly what happened, Rosie,” I said cunningly. “Tell us everything. I mean, what did they fight about?”

      Kenny saw how my mind was working.

      “Yeah, Rosie,” she grinned. “We need inside info.”

      Rosie blinked with surprise. We mostly shut her up when she goes on about her family!

      “It’s obvious Tiff and Spud are in lurve,” I explained. “They just need a teensy bit of help. Then they’ll snap back together like… like… fridge magnets!”

      Lyndz, Kenny and Fliss cracked up. Even Rosie gave a feeble grin.

      I beamed. Crisis over. We’d get Tiff and Spud back together, no problem. Easy peasy lemon squeezy. And our sleepover could go ahead like we planned. YIPPEE!

      

      Wait a tick. I’m stopping the story right here. Sto-op!!!

      I’m not telling you another thing until you understand exactly why we hate the M&Ms so much. Because right now, you think we’re mean about them for no reason, don’t you? Admit it!

      It’s not just because they smarm up to the teachers all the time, you know. And get top marks in everything. Even though that’s incredibly icky of them. No, we hate them because they’re spiteful little toads who try to ruin everything for us. Don’t believe me? OK, I’ll prove it to you!

      Remember how I told you about Rosie blurting out that dead private stuff about Spud and Tiffany?

      Can you believe those creepy girls were actually spying on us the whole time, soaking up every word?

      Understand why we hate them now? Coo-ell! Then I’ll tell you the rest.

      It’s really true about them spying. When we went into our classroom, Emma Hughes started dabbing her eyes, pretending to cry. “Oh Emily, isn’t it too sad about Tiffany and Spud?”

      “Oh yes, Emma,” sniffled Emily. “I haven’t cried so much since my Gran’s budgie fell off its perch.”

      “Tiffany’s so-o-o beautiful,” sighed Emma.

      “And darling Spud is so-o-o hunky. Not!”

      They made being-sick noises.

      I thought Rosie was going to bop Emma one. She hasn’t had much practice dealing with the M&Ms and it shows. But don’t worry! Good ole Kenny was already on the case.

      “Frankie,” she said in a chatty voice, “do you think those sad little androids will ever get, you know, a life?”

      Honestly, I nearly kissed her. “I wish, Kenny,” I sighed. “They must be so-o-o bored.”

      “Yeah,” Lyndz joined in. “Why else would they hang around us all the time, earwigging people’s private conversations?”

      Emma Hughes’ mouth opened like a goldfish, but before she got a word out, Fliss started up.

      “I’m sorry for them, aren’t you?” she said in a saintly voice. “They must feel really empty inside.” She put on a tragic face, but we knew she was dying to laugh. We all were.

      Rosie finally caught on. “Do you think those poor girls secretly admire us?” she asked, all wide-eyed.

      “Could be,” Kenny agreed. “They’ll be copying us next. Having sad little sleepovers with Alana Banana.”

      You should have seen the M&Ms squirm! They kept making strangled noises but every time they tried to get a word in, one of us got in first. It was brilliant! But it got even better.

      “Can’t you picture them in their frilly nighties?” I said.

      “Drinking up their nice hot malted milk,” said Lyndz.

      I did my Alana-the-android imitation. “Goodness me, Emma and Emily. Who could have dreamed that sleeping over would be this much fun. Is it nearly time for our exciting midnight feast yet?”

      “It certainly is, Alana Banana. But do be careful not to get any nasty crumbs in Mummy’s sheets,” said Kenny, taking off Emma’s snooty voice.

      I wish you’d seen their prune faces! They were as sick as parrots.

      “We know how to have fun, thanks very much,” shrieked Emma Hughes.

      Emily Berryman tossed her hair. “Yeah,” she said. “We don’t need you losers to show us, do we, Alana?”

      “No way,” echoed Alana, their creepy slave. And honestly she sounded exactly like a sad little robot. That did it. We laughed till we cried.

      Our teacher, Miss Weaver, came in just then. “You seem to be having fun,” she said cheerfully. She couldn’t understand why me, Kenny and the others fell about.

      Kenny poked me in the back. “Was that a result, or was that a result?” she hissed.

      “Yeah, one – nil to us,” I hissed back. “And it’s not over yet!”

      It wasn’t. Not nearly. I was more determined than ever to get Spud and Tiff back together. I mean, to start with I’d only wanted to save our sleepover. But now I wanted to save

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