Being Davina - Nigel Goodall

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Most of her time on Most Wanted, she says, was more or less spent ‘just out on the street with roaming cameras and no audiences in sight’. But perhaps that was her greatest strength as a presenter, and still is. Looking back over her career today, it seems that is how she has spent most of it, and perhaps that is what makes her so popular with the public. She is, after all, one of the few presenters who can adapt to any situation in or out of a studio, with more ease than most.

      As if to prove that point, by the time Most Wanted reached its final broadcast on 15 December 1995, Davina had already been recruited to present the first series of God’s Gift for Granada Television, but not many critics were convinced about it. Despite it being classed as an X-rated version of Blind Date, the television reviewer writing for Gay Times was unimpressed: ‘There has been a rapid sprouting of these cheap, cheesy lonely heart shows.’ At the time BBC2 had Singled Out, an MTV buy-in, while ex-Capital Breakfast DJ Chris Tarrant was hosting Man O’Man featuring 10 pieces of male eye candy and 200 overexcited women.

      In an attempt to vary things, the queer card was played with four alternative shows. Budgets may have been tight because the opening titles, in which a yellow-painted man sporting vine leaves on his lower half is ogled by numerous leather-clad women, remained the same. At least Davina got off lightly, being described as ‘the miraculous, mouth-watering Davina McCall’. In each show five contestants are set six tests of manliness. In between all this (and similarly to the voice of Big Brother), there’s a ‘Voice of God’ played by Stuart Hall (It’s a Knockout) in his own inimitable style.

      One particular show featured black aerobics instructor Gary, who was ‘shitting himself’ despite his 45-inch chest; recruitment consultant Jonathan from Salford, who claimed an inside leg of 35 inches ‘with a built-in extension’; James from London, a blue-eyed stunner, Crusaid volunteer and an apparent descendant of Richard Lionheart; the voluptuous drag artiste Dusty ‘O’, who was 25 years of age, and Nick, ‘equerry to the royalty of Blackpool’. Each time the show’s audience proved to be an extremely lively bunch, eager to participate in the six rounds designed to separate the Gods from the Geeks. ‘Anything could happen on this most abnormal of nights,’ accurately predicted Mr Hall.

      The first round was ‘Stud-U-Like’, which gauged the essential ingredient of sex appeal. Eager to prove himself, Gary couldn’t wait to strip off in a laundry, juddering his butt against the machine (‘It’s fucking gorgeous!’), meanwhile Jonathan had a play with a shower and Dusty was given the job of vacuuming a rug from IKEA. The hapless contestants’ chat-up lines were then put under the microscope with ‘Smarm or Charm’. Witticisms varied from the jaded ‘Do you come ’ere often?’ to ‘Do you fancy a bit of this succulent bird?’ and ‘Is that potted meat or jellied roll?’

      Still more nauseous, and surely enough to get phones ringing constantly at the Duty Office, was ‘Suck It and See’, an exercise in which the lads’ sensuous streak was checked out when they had to caress tummy-buttons with their tongues. Mucky faces wiped, the ‘dirty rotten rats’ were happy to dish the dirt ‘Dish in the Dock’, mostly to get their revenge on ex-lovers who slept around. One man had scrubbed a lavatory using his lover’s toothbrush, while another faxed compromising pictures of his unfaithful beau to the office. Worst of all was the man who told his boyfriend that his father had just died so that he could have sex with someone he’d just met in a club.

      So desperate were these guys for a date they even did a 30-second party piece (‘Larf or Barf’) featuring a fertility frolic, pelvic squats, saucy comedic talent and a puppet show. It was so bad that four men were booed off stage, while the audience was wowed by the talents of Dusty ‘O’ singing her hit song ‘Glamour State of Mind’ (available on Pushka Records). ‘It just goes to prove,’ she said, ‘queens do have fabulous taste.’

      ‘Bare Essentials’ was a real test of machismo, in which homo-mortals stripped to their smalls in a last-ditch, 15-second chance to beat off the competition. Gary unsuccessfully sucked in his beer belly, Dusty gave us a glimpse of her pink gingham bikini, and the rest revealed a dreary collection of Calvin Klein-style briefs, with gratuitous bum shots galore. Over tumultuous cat-calls, Davina quickly responded to events by yelling, ‘That was the quickest undressing ever!’ So how did the audience choose their Gay God’s Gift? They pushed hankies into the contestants’ briefs. Nice! Ultimately, Nick was the chosen one, winning a purple sash, a tacky crown and a dinner date with a member of the audience.

      The Gay Times reviewer felt sufficiently inspired to write, ‘I’m swithering as to whether Carnal Knowledge and God’s Gift are just affable programming or simply vacuous schedule fillers’. He went on to say, ‘I can’t seriously believe that TV companies think they’re offering a reasonable alternative to a gay viewing audience as I’m positive lesbians and gays would demand something a little less cretinous, even in addition to programmes like these. I know I have a reputation as a crabby old critic and that maybe I should chill out – after all, it’s all fun, isn’t it? OK. I’m safe.’ He finished by warning his readers, ‘don’t come running to me in five years’ time when your brains have all rotted from watching this sort of show.’

      But, according to fans of the show, yes, it was slightly embarrassing but fun at the same time. Why wouldn’t it be? Never before had a programme focused on five lads who really fancy themselves and try to persuade an audience of randy drunken women (or, sometimes, gay men) which ones they really want to have sex with. And where else could you see a succession of quiz rounds that see the men show off their limited talents in several different areas while Stuart Hall maniacally eggs them on with his voiceover? And where else on British television could you see a final round of a game show that has contestants stripping down to their underwear, while the women vote as to which lad is the winner, and who then picks a woman of his choice from the audience?

      Sure, no one can dispute that the tasks of a game show wouldn’t usually involve stuff such as licking cream out of a woman’s belly-button, or sucking her toes, men dressing up as women to prove they could laugh at themselves, singing, dancing, serenading and being romantic. As one viewer from the time recalls, ‘It was the first time I had seen Davina, and she was so loud and outrageous I thought she was a drag queen for a few seconds! But she was also perfect for the show though, and, when it came back for a second series with Claudia Winkleman presenting instead, it just went downhill because, compared to Davina, she wasn’t anywhere near as cool. I seem to remember the first show had Davina in a bright-pink PVC skirt and jacket, and one memorable moment when one contestant stripped down to a G-string, and started wiggling his bum at the crowd, only for the crowd – and Davina – to notice that he had some of his own excrement sticking out the back of his G-string!’

      Looking back, would Davina agree with either of those summations? Probably not, but she does recall some of the letters she received from both sexes while working on the show. ‘Women think I’m really funny. And the men always started off, “I’d never normally do this, but…” My favourite was from a 76-year-old lady who told me what she would do to my God’s Gift assistant Glenn, if she were younger. I thought, “Great! I must be broadening my appeal.”’

      Although Davina claims God’s Gift (one of her favourite shows) was her first adventure into television with an audience, the audience were, she shudders, ‘all so drunk they were just going to clap and cheer whatever I said’. But, as most critics would agree, she had the flair to steer the show out of its potential doldrums. And it was that knack that was to land her another show, this time with a much higher profile, and one that would place her firmly on the television map. It was as if she has this fantastic timing, as if she instinctively knows the good decisions for her to forward her career. And perhaps ‘instinct’ remains the quality that best describes Davina McCall’s choice of what shows to present. There were, however, some other obstacles to overcome before she could get where she wanted.

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