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though, as there was no adult time, and because it was the start of our relationship Jack and me were gagging for it (time alone, that is, not what you think). So one night when the kids were asleep I suggested we went out for a naked run in the snow. If anyone had seen us they’d have had a heart attack. We were throwing snowballs at each other and doing stupid poses. It was hilarious. And cold.

      In typical cheesy fashion, the day I realised I actually loved Jack was Valentine’s Day. We’d planned a big romantic evening. He was paying for the hotel and I was treating us to dinner at Gordon Ramsay at Claridges. He did offer to pay for everything but I knew that would mean he’d be skint for the rest of his life. And I could afford it. Obviously I’d left it until the last minute to get his present, though, and was still rushing around Selfridges at four that afternoon trying to find him something. In the end I settled on a lovely pair of designer shoes. They were really cool. I didn’t have time to wrap them up, so I plonked them on the bed in the hotel, still in the bag from the shop.

      We decided to leave the present-giving until after dinner so that we had something to look forward to. The restaurant was amazing, and soooo posh! When we walked in I saw Jimmy Carr and his missus, who said hi and smiled, and a few tables away there was Jonathan Ross and his wife. Jonathan’s always so lovely to me and that night was no different, although I’m sure he must secretly have thought, Bloody hell, we come in here to get away from the likes of her!

      Jack was more overwhelmed and nervous than impressed. And I found that really sweet. The food was gorgeous (well done, Gordon) and we felt a bit tipsy by the time we got back to the hotel. Which was just as well, because I had to gear myself up for giving Jack a special treat. Earlier in the week I’d bought myself a load of saucy underwear from Agent Provocateur and was going to surprise him with it later. Not that I had it on under my dress already, of course. That would have made far too much sense. It was all still in a carrier bag under the hotel bed, so I was going to have to sneak off and change somehow. But first it was present time.

      The hotel, in Kensington, was gorgeous. I’d always wanted to stay at the Baglioni because that’s where Mariah Carey stays (and if you know me you’ll know what a massive fan of hers I am). When we were back in our room, which was all dark and mysterious-looking, Jack pulled out a bag and got out these beautifully wrapped presents and carefully placed them on the bed. He’d gone to so much trouble – they were red and all had individual ribbons round them. I looked at my effort – a pair of shoes dumped in a Selfridges bag. Oops.

      I opened mine first. The first thing I unwrapped was a little dainty necklace that I’d seen Victoria Beckham wearing – it was a bronze-coloured solid heart with a little ribbon and a pearl round it. I was really taken aback and touched.

      Next was a brown velvet clutch bag with a big clasp at the front, which I fell in love with immediately. Then I got the Arctic Monkeys CD that I really wanted. Finally I opened the last present – a belt.

      It was vile. It had the biggest buckle on it I’ve ever seen and my immediate reaction was: ‘What do you want me to do with this then? If I put it round my waist my trousers will fall down, it’s so heavy!’

      Jack laughed and started trying to pretend his mum had chosen it, which I knew was a lie. Bless him.

      ‘OK – where’s mine then?’ he grinned and I sheepishly handed him the carrier bag apologising for my lack of wrapping paper. He opened it up and pulled out the shoes. There was a long pause as he looked at them.

      ‘Jade?’

      ‘Yeah?’

      ‘I’m 18 – not 80.’

      ‘What the fuck do you mean?’ I said, laughing. ‘They’re nice shoes!’

      ‘For a granddad maybe. Look at them!’

      I tried to persuade him they were designer and cool but in the end we had to agree to disagree. He hated them. We both started cracking up.

      Then it was time for my surprise. I put the telly on and switched it to MTV to divert him, then sneakily grabbed the bag with my lingerie in.

      ‘I’m just going to the bathroom – won’t be long.’

      God, I didn’t realise how fiddly this saucy underwear lark was. It took me for ever to do the suspenders up. I had a black frilly basque, crotchless knickers, stockings … the works. But I was so long in there Jack started shouting, ‘Jade! What the fuck are you doing in there? Hurry up!’

      ‘I’ll be out in a minute!’

      I wanted to make sure the stocking seams were straight but they kept going all twisted. I should’ve known it was a catastrophe waiting to happen. I hadn’t thought about how I was going to do the big reveal. What was I thinking? Should I just throw open the door and say, ‘Ta da!’ or what? What if he just laughs? I should’ve waited until I was more drunk.

      I grabbed the door handle. Gulp. I felt like a right tit. I couldn’t have picked a worse moment. There I was standing in the entrance trying to do my best seductive pose and Jack was glued to the TV set, dancing wildly in his little white pants and singing along to George Michael.

      I closed the door again.

      He must’ve heard the slam. ‘Jade – what are you doing in there?’ he asked.

      So I took a deep breath and I walked out, still to the tune of ‘You gotta have faith, faith, faith’. Jack stopped in his tracks and we both pissed ourselves laughing.

      ‘I feel like such a plonker!’ I laughed. Tears were streaming down our cheeks, it was so funny.

      Eventually we calmed down and lay on the bed. One of Beyonce’s slow songs was playing in the background, and we started kissing. Suddenly I gave way to the urge to blurt out, ‘I love you,’ and I started crying. It was so emotional. Jack looked at me and smiled, ‘I love you too, Jade.’

      It might’ve been a messy beginning but it couldn’t have ended more perfectly.

      For ages after that night, whenever we heard the song ‘Faith’ we pissed ourselves laughing.

      The boys were falling in love with Jack too. Bobby was also falling in love with the colour pink for a while, which was slightly worrying. Until he was about two I let his hair grow long, so he looked like a little girl at the best of times, but then he began wanting me to put it up in bunches or ponytails. And he was constantly picking up Hoovers and brooms like a little housewife. He even asked for a doll at one point, to which I replied, ‘B, can’t you have an action man?’ He’s a very sweet and sensitive little boy and I wouldn’t change the way he is for the world, but I did begin to wonder how he might turn out. His girlie phase was short-lived, though. As soon as I cut his hair short he turned into a proper little boy. His speech came on miles and he started digging up holes and playing soldier games. Phew.

      Jack was like a big kid himself really. And he seemed to have a thing for buying me animals as presents. No matter how many times I told him that I couldn’t stand a messy house, he seemed intent on ignoring me. Not long after we were first going out I came home one day and he met me at the front door with a broad grin. ‘I’ve got you a surprise!’

      ‘What is it?’

      I walked inside and there was a budgie screeching in a cage.

      ‘The boys love him. We’ve named him Jimmy,’ said Jack.

      Not only was it bloody noisy but it seemed to be spitting birdseed out and making a mess all over my conservatory.

      ‘You’re responsible for cleaning it up,’ I said.

      A few days later I was tidying the house and had the windows open. How was I to know that Jimmy’s cage wasn’t locked? He flew out. Oops.

      Jack was convinced I’d done it on purpose. ‘You’ve let him into the wild. He’s going to die. You’ve killed him!’ he moaned.

      In my old house we also had a pond and

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