LITMIR.BIZ

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dunno. We talked a little over drinks. I think he runs a hospital over in Gupo.”

      “I don’t know anyone like that. He must’ve been looking for someone else.”

      “Sure. You need to get your tuition for the next semester ready, right? I’ll pay you in advance so you can go buy some pretty clothes. You’re wearing the same clothes all the time. When do you even wash them?”

      Embarrassed, I mumble that I haven’t eaten yet, so I need to get some food. In the kitchen, Eunyong whispers to me.

      “Yeoul, she’s trying to take you to her bar in Gwang-an. Be careful. Once you start working there, you can’t really leave … There was another woman who worked here and left to work at that bar, and she … changed.”

      “What kept the café owner from taking you there?”

      “I like it here. Sungyun Oppa² is nice to me. And I’m still a high school senior—a super senior at that. The customers at the bars prefer college girls. I’m not that pretty anyway.”

      “Super senior would imply you’re actually prepping for the college entrance exam. I haven’t seen you crack a book once.”

      “What, you think I like living like this? My mom says I don’t need to go to college anyway. I’m just going to get married after making some nest egg money.”

      Eunyong and I make bibimbop in the kitchen. We mix the rice, bellflower roots, bean sprouts, some greens, and chili paste. The owner’s mom often cooks for us and sends the food to us via Sungyun. Sometimes she sends something simple. Rice, soup, and kimchi. Sometimes she sends marinated beef. She must be feeding us so that we’ll work hard at her daughter’s café. It’s fine when she doesn’t send us anything, we just cook ourselves ramen or pork cutlets, or order Chinese. Mothers seem to be their daughters’ guardian angels or their enemies, there is no middle ground.

      It’s time to close the café, but the toothbrush salesman walks in. His hair is wet. It must be raining outside. We were ready to close so we all stand awkwardly.

      “Come over here and eat some of this.” The toothbrush salesman puts a big cake box on the table. We are all hungry. Sungyun appears out of nowhere and starts eating the cake with his hands. After scarfing down the entire cake, we remember to thank him.

      The toothbrush salesman notices the music in the café. “Wait, you’re listening to Zarathustra?!”

      “You know this band? Yeoul said she’s the only one who knows them!” Eunyong sticks her tongue out and calls me a liar.

      “Your name is Yeoul? What’s your last name? I came here to see you the other day, but you weren’t here. I asked the owner about you.” As I examine him, I realize that he reminds me of the photograph of my father when he was young: his pupils float in the upper side of the whites, the bridge of his nose is well defined, and the corners of his mouth are turned upward. “I should introduce myself first. My name is Han Jihyun. I live nearby, so I hang out around here.”

      * * *

      I walk back home. I think of the café owner’s remark. Aldebaran, schmaldebaran. There’s not a single star to be seen, not even the moon can be seen in the sky tonight. I preferred the mandatory study halls, and nights I spent questioning what the point of my life even was, over working this pointless part-time job. I received my paycheck today, but I didn’t even open the envelope. It doesn’t feel like the hard-earned fruits of my labor. But maybe I’m overthinking all this, too influenced by Jimin’s Marxist ideology.

      On the sidewalk, I’m waiting for the light to turn green when someone slaps my back. I turn around to find my high-school friend.

      “Oh my God! Is that you, Hyunmi?”

      “Yeah! You look just the same.”

      “I thought you had gone to study abroad in America.”

      “No, my visa for America took too long to be processed, so I had to postpone my departure. I was actually going home after my going-away party with friends just now. I’ve been wondering what you’re up to. Miryong and Eunsook said they both tried to contact you for the party, but … what’s wrong with your stepmother? She cussed at them like a crazy person. I thought I wasn’t going to see you before I left. Let’s go somewhere and catch up.”

      2. Oppa is a term used to address an older brother and is also a term of endearment women sometimes use to address an older man.

      Blue Moon

      We head back to Instant Paradise. We walk a little apart from each other, giggling sporadically. I didn’t know I was going to use the key to the café other than to lock up the place. There is some light coming out of the café. Strange, it should be closed. I push the key into the lock. Click, I get an inexplicable bad feeling in my gut.

      “Hyunmi, don’t come in. Wait out here.” I slowly and quietly open the worn door to the café; the cobalt-blue paint is scratched off here and there. When I look inside, I notice a tipped-over backpack, Geography and Ethics textbooks spilling out of it.

      In the back corner near the DJ booth no one uses, the glaring butcher shop lighting is cast on Sungyun. His sweatpants are at his ankles, he’s leaning forward, his glutes flexed, looking like hunks of meat. He’s holding his penis like a pole made of meat. A girl with her black skirt pulled up to her chin is lying before him, her exposed lower body writhing. I place my hand over my mouth, start to close the door, and Sungyun turns toward me. Did he see that it was me? I feel his pupils tremble like the needle of the butcher shop scale weighing a cut of pork.

      I grab Hyunmi’s hand, my face feels cold, and we run down the stairs. Hyunmi suggests going to her car. The fume of her hot breath spills out of her mouth. We get into her car, and I lean into the seat. My head feels as foggy as the windshield.

      “Yeoul, let’s go see the sea.”

      I don’t respond.

      “Let’s go see the nighttime beach, go for a walk. I know it’s cold but it will be nice, no?”

      “No thanks. I don’t feel like it.”

      “Do you want the radio on?”

      “No.”

      Hyunmi pouts. “We haven’t seen each other for a long time, and like a miracle, we ran into each other. So why are you sullen? Aren’t you happy to see me? Don’t you know how much I liked you? Remember all the snacks, bento boxes, gifts, letters I gave you?” She chatters on.

      Back when we felt constantly and desperately in need of something, feeling unfulfilled and underdeveloped, when we felt like we were going to go crazy unless we immersed ourselves in something, she acted as though I was a boy that she liked. She pulled me in by my neck, tearing up on the bench in the school garden. In the night time under the magnolia tree, she begged me to put my finger into her pussy. She didn’t like that I had other friends and tried to keep me from going to the school snack bar with them. She followed me around, keeping me from going to the Fine Arts Club room. I found her irritating, but I never could refuse her lips that tasted like cherry candies.

      •

      Hyunmi lifts her head from the steering wheel to lean into me. I feel her earlobes against my neck. Her cheeks are wet and warm. She takes off her pearl earrings, and unbuttons her blouse. She moves over to straddle me, and kisses me lightly. She pushes her pale, firm breasts against my face.

      “Please, suck me.”

      “I don’t really feel like it.”

      “This is the last time we’ll be together. This one last time.”

      Okay, this will be the last time I’ll see you. So I’ll do what pleases you. In this heated moment, I feel like I understand her, even love her. Such confusing sensations. Our lonely connection. Our heated breath. Condensation drips down the window. I wish for the car

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