LITMIR.BIZ

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anything else. I think it was five o’clock on our clock that day, the 25th of March it would have been, or maybe the 26th.

      Actually he looks stupid in that hat and that coat. Anyone would in the twentieth century.

      I on the other hand spend most of my time making pictures with shells. I make a picture of a woman who has wings and who flies about in the sky and below her there is a man who looks like a prince and he is riding through a forest. The winged woman also has a cooker. I find it odd that she should have a cooker but there it is, why shouldn’t she have a cooker if she wants to, I always say. On the TV everyone says, ‘I always say’, and then they have a cup of tea. At the most dramatic moments. And then I see him sitting opposite me in his Napoleon’s coat and I think we are on TV. Sometimes I almost say that. But then I realize that we aren’t speaking since we have nothing to speak about and I don’t say anything. I don’t even wash his coat for him.

      In any case, how has he been hard done by? He married me, didn’t he? I have given him the best years of my life. I have washed, scrubbed, cooked, slaved for him, and I have made sandwiches for him to put in his tin box every day. The same box.

      And our children have gone away and they never came back. He used to say it was because of me, I say it’s because of him. Who would want Napoleon for a father and anyway Napoleon didn’t spend his time looking after tomato plants, though he doesn’t do that now. He writes despatches which he gives to the milkman. He writes things like ‘Tell Soult he must bring up another five divisions. Touty sweet.’ And the milkman looks at the despatches and then he looks at me and then I give him the money for the week’s milk. He is actually a very understanding milkman.

      The fact that he wears a white coat is neither here nor there. Nothing is either here or there.

      And sometimes he will have forgotten that the day before he asked for five divisions, and he broods, and he writes ‘Please change the whole educational system of France. It is not just. And please get me a new sandwich box.’

      He is really an unusual man. And I loved him once. I loved him when he was an ordinary man and when he would keep up an ordinary conversation when he would tell me what had happened at the distillery that day, though nothing much ever happened. Nothing serious. Nothing funny either. It was a very quiet distillery, and the whisky was made without trouble. Maybe it’s because he left the distillery that he feels like Napoleon. And he changed the chair too. He wanted a bigger chair so that he could watch the army manoeuvres in the living-room and yet have enough room for the TV-set and the fridge. It’s very hard living with a man who believes that there is an army next to the fridge. But I think that’s because he imagines Napoleon in Russia, that’s why he wants something cold. And on days when Napoleon is in Russia he puts on extra clothes and he wants plenty of meat in the fridge. The reason for that I think is that the meat is supposed to be dead French soldiers.

      He is not mad really. He’s just living in a dream. Maybe he could have been Napoleon if he hadn’t been born at 26 Sheffield Terrace. It’s not easy being Napoleon if you’re born in a council house. The funny thing is that he never notices the aerial. How could there be an aerial or even a TV-set in Napoleon’s time, but he doesn’t notice that. Little things like that escape him, though in other ways he’s very shrewd. In small ways. Like for instance he will remember and he’ll say to the milkman, ‘You didn’t bring me these five divisions yesterday. Where the hell did you get to? Spain will kill me.’ And there will be a clank of bottles and the milkman will walk away. That makes him really angry. Negligence of any kind. Inefficiency. He’ll get up and shout after him, ‘How the hell am I going to keep an empire together with idiots like you about? EH? Tell me that, my fine friend.’ Mr Merriman thinks he is Joan of Arc. That causes a lot of difficulty with dresses though not as much as you would imagine since she wore men’s armour anyway. I dread the day Wellington will move in. I fear for my china.

      Anyway that’s why we don’t speak. Sometimes he doesn’t even recognize me and he calls me Antoinette and he throws things at me. I don’t know what to do, really I don’t. I’m at my wits’ end. It would be cruel to send for a doctor. I don’t hate him that much. I think maybe I should tell him I’m leaving but where can you go when you’re eighty years old, though he is four years younger than me; I would have to get a home help: he doesn’t think of things like that. One day he said to me, ‘I don’t need you. I don’t need anyone. My star is here.’ And he pointed at his old woollen jacket which had a large hole in it. Sometimes I can hardly keep myself from laughing when I’m doing my shells. Who could? Unless one was an angel?

      And then sometimes I think. Maybe he’s trying it on. And I watch out to see if I can trap him in anything, but I haven’t yet. His despatches are very orderly. He sends me orders like, ‘I want the steak underdone today. And the wine at a moderate temperature.’ And I make the beefburgers and coffee as usual.

      Yesterday he suddenly said, ‘I remember you. I used to know you, when we were young. There were woods. I associate you with woods. With autumn woods.’ And then his face became slightly blue. I thought he was going to fall, coming out of his dream. But no. He said, ‘It was outside Paris and I met you in a room with mirrors. I loved you once before my destiny became my sorrow.’ These were exactly his words, I think. He never used to talk like that. He would mostly grunt and say, ‘What happened to the salt?’ But now he doesn’t say anything as simple as that. No indeed. Not at all.

      Sometimes he draws up a chair and dictates notes to me. He says things like, ‘We attack the distillery at dawn. Junot will create a diversion on the left and then Soult will strike at the right while I punch through the centre.’

      He was never in a war in his life. He was kept out because of his asthma and his ulcer. And he never had a horse in his life. All he had was his sandwich box. And now he wants a coronet on it. Imagine, a coronet on a sandwich box. Will this never end? Ever? Will it? I suffer. It is I who put up with this for he never leaves the house, he is too busy organizing the French educational service and the Church. ‘We will have pink robes for the nuns,’ he says. ‘That will teach them the power of the flesh which they abominate,’ and he shouts across the fence at Joan of Arc and says, ‘You’re an impostor, sir. Joan of Arc didn’t have a moustache.’ I don’t know what I shall do. He is sitting there so calm now, so calm with his stick in his hand like a sceptre. I think he has fallen asleep. Let me put your crown right, child. It’s fallen all to one side. I could never stand untidiness. Let me pick up your stick, its fallen from your hand. We are doomed to be together. We are doomed to say to the milkman, ‘Bring up your five divisions’, for morning after morning. We are doomed to comment on Joan of Arc’s moustache. We are together for ever. Poor Napoleon. Poor lover of mine met long ago in the autumn woods before they became your empire. Poor dreamer.

      And yet … what a game … maybe I should try on your crown just for one moment, just for a short moment. And take your stick just for a moment, just for a short short moment. Before you wake up. And maybe I’ll tell the milkman, We want ten divisions today. Ten not five. Maybe that would be the best idea, to get it finished with, once and for all. Ten instead of five.

      And don’t forget the cannon.

       What to Do About Ralph?

      ‘WHAT ON EARTH has happened to you?’ said his mother. ‘These marks are getting worse and worse. I thought with your father teaching you English you might have done better.’

      ‘He is not my father,’ Ralph shouted, ‘he is not my father.’

      ‘Of course, having you in class is rather awkward but you should be more helpful than you are. After all, you are seventeen. I shall have to speak to him about these marks.’

      ‘It won’t do any good.’

      How sullen and stormy he always was these days, she thought, it’s such a constant strain. Maybe if he went away to university there might be some peace.

      ‘He has been good to you, you know; he has tried,’ she continued. But Ralph wasn’t giving an inch. ‘He bought

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