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and what He expects?)

      I believe in Something greater than my own mind. But I am a convinced nontheist; I don't believe in what I call a "Creator/Planner/Daddy God". I don't believe there is any Being who started all of this and needs. . . demands. . . my prayers. Especially for what I want: God is not a cosmic, short-order cook! I conceive of nothing to fear about God. In fact, I believe there is nothing to conceive: "Nontheism is relaxing with the ambiguity and uncertainty of the present moment without reaching for anything to protect ourselves. . . nontheism is finally realizing there is no babysitter you can count on."⁹

      God is "just" Totality. I am always and forever a part of God. (In my humble opinion, you are too.) This is a Truth with which my conscious mind chooses to recognize, join with, and act from. When I choose to join God in a state of Grace, I Know my choice and responses to issues on this plane of existence. These are not made out of my ego's want, hope, or fear, but with perfect understanding of what is happening, what needs to be done, what I need to do—or maybe, what I should not do. On more than one occasion in my life, that choice or response makes no sense from the rational facts of the situation, but it is clear to me that it is the right choice; in my words, "the Light choice".

      My experiences with God are visceral and they go well beyond the senses. At my best, I am a receiver and there is a Oneness I tune into with my whole mind and body. That reception often comes to me through a Voice I hear in my mind. The Voice is quite gentle and yet It has immense strength that "says": "This is Me speaking!" In my experience, when I Listen, the relationships and events in my life happen—what else—gracefully! It's when I choose not to join with God that things don't go so well!

      God is a Wisdom outside of space and time. It is a Power I ignore only at my own great discomfort and on more than one occasion, disastrous results.

      Why don't I believe in deist/theist concepts? My answer is two-fold: 1) I can't buy any of the theories offered by the deists/theists out there¹⁰; and 2) practically, those concepts don't work for me as I live my life. What we see around us could have numerous, non-Creationist God causes. I have read and heard a number of theories that offer viable, physical/mathematical theories for everything we see and our supposedly-separate existence on this plane. I resonate with the theory laid down in the book, The Holographic Universe. That theory says everything here is merely the indivisible, "explicit" order of a deeper, "implicate" order.

      As I think and feel it, I just came out of Everything—who the hell knows for sure why! And that is where the molecules and energy trapped in my body will return. That being said, it is my duty to keep my connection to Everything clean and strong, to be awake enough to consciously recognize Grace, and to act in its Integrity in this world. And when it is time for "me" to return, to let go and die in peace.

      During my channelings with Grandma, one of the wisest statements ever to come through me was this: "Every notion of God is equally valid, for each is equally wrong. Spirit cannot be described; for once it is described it is no longer Spirit." In the Course in Miracles, Jesus says: "We say God is and then we cease to speak." So I stop here. If I am wrong about all of this and there is a Creator/Planner/Daddy God, what I think about Him "down here" won't matter. If there should be that kind of God, He is interested in knowing how I live my life with my limited concepts of Him!

      * * * *

      Did that peak experience change me? Yes and no. Like so many who have peak experiences, this one didn't change my life dramatically, then and there, and forever. I went back into my story about myself, The Script, and my life, such as it was. And that was a real shame, because for what I estimate was 16 more years, my ego chose to believe a lot of self-negating lies about myself. I tolerated external abuse and even inflicted upon myself a host of abuse.

      But an important seed had been planted. In Mark 4, Jesus is said to have told the parable of the sower. Only some of the seed that was cast fell on good soil. "It came up, grew, and produced a crop, some multiplying thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times." It took another 20 years to prepare my soil so that Grace could truly take root in my life. That isn't God's fault—I don't believe in that kind of God! Nor is it mine. It's just the way things came together for me. I accept that preparing my soil is my responsibility; perhaps the ultimate job I have in this world.

      I believe that is everyone's job.

      * * * *

      In late 2009, I was hiking and thinking about all the changes happening in my life. I heard a Voice: "This name no longer fits you." (For those not in the know, my birth name is Sydney.) I asked what name did. "Joshua" was the response.

      Joshua is the English rendering of the Hebrew word Yehoshua, meaning "Yahweh is salvation." Yahweh is the unreadable word for God. Jesus' name in Hebrew is Yehoshua.

      I never liked my birth name, but I had never thought about changing it. I didn't know what the meaning of Joshua was when I Heard it. But I did as I was Directed. Because Grace is amazing.

      It saved the wretch that was me.

      GRACE ON MY BUTT

      Those with far greater ability to stay in Grace—Jesus for example!—state that Grace is a given; it isn't contingent upon doing anything. I don't quibble with that. However, it seems to me that just as a skater practices to be technically prepared to give that performance others dub "graceful", so each of us—me—must do the internal practice. To "prepare the Way for the Lord"; to be able to "let go and let God" so that Grace can indeed come unbidden. Having said that…

      Grace also comes to me when I am flat on my butt; physically, mentally, or emotionally. When I am really stubborn, Grace comes as the result of a 2x4 to the head, kick-in-the-pants life event. Grace comes to me then because these are moments when my ego can't fight joining with Everything.

      As in so many spiritual issues, opposites are both true. . . it's a paradox. And Grace, like God, is paradox.

      * * * *

      When I was 21, I had that kick-in-the-pants event. During winter vacation from school, I decided to help one of my friends learn to drive a car. . . using my dad's car. It was an icy day and turning a corner, the car skidded. Panicking, my friend put his foot on the accelerator and we hurtled towards a corner house. Had it not been for a fence around the yard; well, I am not sure how many might have been hurt nor how badly. I can still see the fence post sticking out of the transmission. . .

      My father was surprisingly calm, even gracious given the fact that I stupidly totaled his prized Oldsmobile. But a self-loathing, tortured mind like mine would not let me off the hook. Returning to college, I reached an emotional low point even for my life. This was the first time I remember thinking actively about suicide. I was on my butt emotionally and so I was ready for Grace.

      Ironically, I was on the 20th floor of a dorm tower with small, double-paned windows that could not open; yet I pondered how I might jump to my death. It was then that I heard a Voice:

      "You have now hit bottom."

      This is an amazing choice of words, as this is a classic Twelve Step term and I was twelve years from starting any recovery program.

      I heard these words as a complete English sentence in my mind and yet there was no sound externally or even internally. The Words had a quiet power much greater than if they merely came to me through sound—I felt their truth with every cell of my body. They came with solidity and a surety that I knew was not my own. Perhaps someone out there would resonate with the word "inspiration". But that word leaves me cold. In fact, the right words fail me. And that is how I think it should be when it truly is Grace!

      To say I was surprised to Hear these words is an understatement. I was shocked to my core. I was well into my first life by then. I avoided contact and conversation with people as much as I could. And I trusted no one; least of all, myself. I had long ago given up communicating with God. In terms of belief I was at the very least an agnostic and probably not too far from an atheist…

      * * * *

      Who wrote this first—Freud? Jung? It seems so basic an idea it could have been one of the ancients. Anyhow, I agree with them. My

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