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      HINENI:

      My Walk into Beautiful Life

      S. Joshua Mendel

      Hineni: My Walk Into Beautiful Life

      by S. Joshua Mendel

      Copyright 2014 S. Joshua Mendel

      All rights reserved

      Published in eBook format by eBookIt.com

       http://www.eBookIt.com

      ISBN-13: 978-1-4566-2380-7

      No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the author. The only exception is by a reviewer, who may quote short excerpts in a review.

      INTRODUCTION

      Hineni—"Here I am, Lord"—is the response a number of biblical figures give God when they are Called to carry out something difficult or important. Abraham, when he is Commanded to sacrifice his son. Jacob when he is Told by God to take his family into Egypt. Moses, when he was Chosen to free the Hebrew slaves. It is said by men and women Anointed by God to become priests and prophets. And though I never read this in the so-called New Testament, I would guess that this word was spoken by Jesus at some point in his life!

      For me, Hineni is a big word, with a lot of parts to it. First, Hineni is a statement that there is an "I" to show up in the space of God. It is a statement by that person: "I am willing to do Your Will." The most challenging to me are the agreements implied in Hineni: "I am going to do this; no matter how illogical this seems. No matter how hard this may turn out to be. No matter what the consequences to me or those I love. To my death if that is what is required."

      I have had a long walk to the place where there is an "I" to meet that Power greater than myself; to that internal space where I can surrender and agree to all that is meant by Hineni. This book is an attempt to chronicle that journey. It is also my ethical will.¹ In between, it is a memoir of my life, a testimony of what I have learned from living it to date, and what I offer others walking the path with and after me.

      When I first Heard the Call² to write, I thought of entitling the work "Exodus". That title came to me because I am almost 40 years into my release from slavery. Yes, even in the United States of America, I have been a slave. My chains were the beliefs and traditions taught to me, consciously and unconsciously, by my family, my home religion, and my society. Lies I was told by others about me and those I believed about myself. Desires to avoid pain; to maximize pleasure; for safety—for a level of control that is impossible in life. This led to physical and emotional addictions that kept me in bondage to ideas, behaviors, and actions that I could and should have thrown off long ago. Ideas, behaviors, and actions that prevented me from making a connection to Something greater than myself. A connection that I am convinced is natural to each of us.

      It has been a circuitous route in my own desert. It took me quite some time, but I realized I was not alone while taking that journey. Surprising even to this birthright Jew, The Voice I followed out of that parched space turned out to be Jesus.

      Let me be clear up front. I am not a Jew for Jesus. I no longer consider myself a Jew. I totally reject the notion that Jesus is a separate being. He is not my lord, a sacrificial lamb, or my savior as it is commonly understood. My concept of Jesus and how he acts in my life would be considered strange, even blasphemous to many Christians. Heck; I even reject the generally-held notions of God! I would be taken as an atheist by many.

      And yet, "Here I am." A follower of Jesus and an ever-growing, obedient servant of God.

      * * * *

      Obedient. Servant. Of God. That doesn't sound exciting, "cool", or much fun, does it? Most of us want to be the master; not his servant! As you will soon read in exquisite detail, I did a lot of work to get to this space. So before you write me off as some sort of crazy ascetic, I will tell you up front the gifts of my efforts. Those gifts can be summed up in two words: "Beautiful Life". Here is the back story behind that:

      When I had my bris, the Jewish, ritual circumcision performed eight days after birth, I was given the Hebrew name Chaym Shayna. That name translates into English as "Beautiful Life". Twelve years later, I met the rabbi at the shul (temple) where I was to be bar mitzvahed. When he learned my Hebrew name, he snorted with disdain: "Shayna is a girl's name!" He renamed me Chaym Samaiach—"Happy Life". I didn't like that name then and I still don't. It never resonated in me.

      There are some interesting questions behind my being named Chaym Shayna. My father's mother—as you will soon learn, the (dead) person to become my channel³—gave me that name. Women didn't have much standing in orthodox Jewish households of that time, and I am sure, not in that family. So how. . . why. . . did her choice prevail? And why did she pick "a girl's name"? Did she somehow K(k)now things about me that others did not?

      During a channeling session with Grandma, my original Hebrew name came back to me. I received an overwhelming Vision of a seed in active germination. It included but went well beyond a sort of time-lapse photography. I was that seed, moving with certainty and determination towards the sunshine while sending my roots deep into the earth. I felt the ecstasy of being fully engaged in living; the energy and joy of life. (This is well beyond words to describe!) I remember the Vision bringing me to tears as Grandma explained to me that this was the true meaning of my name and my goal for living.

      * * * *

      Is the work I have done and still do difficult? Yes—sometimes, very much so. But as a result, I have gained "new eyes with which to see" and "new ears with which to hear".(Ezekiel 12) I also gained other senses that go well beyond the five we typically name! I become more able to recognize and savor even the smallest aspects of life and in my life. I am truly present, both to myself and others. With my friends, I not only enjoy; I celebrate and treasure our times together. I feel the joy of new growth—new life—both in myself and them. I have the deep satisfaction of knowing that my life has meaning as I serve others and help them on their path. I have the joy of watching them become their truth.

      As the Native Americans put it, "I walk in Beauty". I feel the inexplicable serenity that comes from living into my name.

      I hope the pages to follow will show you the miracles that begin with the word Hineni. I believe my journey is testimony to the fact that it's worth the work!

      TWO LIVES

      Every journey has a starting point. I'm not happy with or proud of mine. I share it in order for others to appreciate the breadth, depth, and scope of the miracles in my life.

      I am going to use the word "miracle" many times throughout this document. So here is a definition:

      "… A divine healing of human perception, in which the laws that normally govern [ego-based] thinking are momentarily suspended. Because natural laws are suspended, things in the physical world can change in ways not considered possible heretofore."⁴

      Did I read this in A Course in Miracles? I surely didn't make this up: a miracle occurs in the present but changes how I view the past and think, speak, and act in the future.

      * * * *

      My life to date has been more like two lives. Throughout my "first life" (birth through age 26), I had the overwhelming need to hide. I avoided life, I avoided people, and I worked mightily to hide from me. In my "second life", I am dedicated to breaking free of every barrier that keeps me from showing up totally to Grace and living obediently; whatever that takes. These lives are so different that I find it hard to believe than one came out of the other. It is a miracle I survived the first and had the realizations that I needed and could grow into the second!

      In writing about my first life, I need to be careful. As at least one dear soul has pointed out to me, few children (if any) get through childhood without wounds. I accept that I would not be the person I am today had

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