LITMIR.BIZ

      Contents

      ROCK BEATS ALL By Peter Beeston

      BUTTONS ARE MEANT TO BE PRESSED By Peter Beeston

      CARE OF THE ELDERLEY By Graham Marshall

      COMMANDER AWESOME: & LIBERTY LAD By Phil Mason

      GREAT SCOTT! By Charles Gosden

      HOLMES IN LOVE By Chris Bellamy

      DOBBIN By Peter Beeston

      ROMEO & JULIET, THE LATER YEARS By Charles Gosden

      SHIT STALKER By Peter Beeston

      ALL THE KINGFISHERS ARE DEAD By Graham Marshall

      XMAS MESSAGE FROM KING HENRY By Andrew Callow

      THE ZOMBIE LETTER By Peter Beeston

      FLATPACK WORLD By Peter Beeston

      SNOW JOKE By Peter Beeston

      HOLMES GOES ON HOLIDAY By Chris Bellamy

      GODZILLA VS DEPRESSION By Peter Beeston

      LAST PERSON IN THIS PLACE By Peter Beeston

      SOMETHING I ALWAYS WANTED By Peter Beeston

      THE SCARY MIRROR By Peter Beeston

      A THYME TO THINK By Peter Beeston

      DINNER PARTY AT ESCHERS By Peter Beeston

      Introduction

      It seemed like such a good idea at the start. After all, the radio show had been a tremendous success, and their monthly podcast had been downloaded over a hundred thousand times in total. So surely it would make perfect sense that an ebook of their most popular scripts would be the next logical step. Wouldn’t it?

      However, as Peter sat in front of the warm glow of his monitor, doubts began to rapidly flick across his mind. After all, the scripts were written to be performed, not to be read on a computer screen. They relied on performers creating funny, believable charactertures using nothing but the power of their voices; in turn elevating the material into something that people genuinely wanted to hear. But in script form? Were they really good enough?

      Oh, and the spelling errors? Peter felt his head drop on the keyboard as the mere thought entered his mind. His team of performers had already gotten used to his unique method of chucking random letters on the page in the vain hope they might articulate the words which formed in his own head. But he knew that the general public would never stand for such unprofessionalism; even if he was giving the book away for free. Okay, he’d had the book spallchecked by numerous colleagues, but what if some error had slipped through unnoticed?

      And then he started to think about the introduction. He’d already decided that the only interesting thing he could write was some meta-textual bullshit about how he didn’t have anything useful to write. It’d probably contain a line like:

      “The reader read a line about how they had just read the same line, which Peter knew they would, because he had just finished typing that exact line on his computer screen.”

      Hell, even Charlie Kaufman would baulk at that level of pretentiousness!

      No, all he could do was hope that somebody, somewhere would find something enjoyable within this book, no matter how small it was. Even if it didn’t pass their own ‘enjoyability’ threshold, he hoped at least their interest would be piqued enough for them to visit the ‘Cornucopia Radio’ website, where they could listen to the finished audio productions as they were meant to be appreciated. Actually to help someone find the website in question, he decided this would be a good place to insert a hyperlink:

       http://www.cornucopia-radio.co.uk

      ‘Oh well’, he thought as he came to the end of the page. Even if they don’t like the ebook, they can still access the hardcore pornography he’d hidden within the metadata of this file by pressing ↑ ↑ ↓ ↓ ← → ← → B A.

      At least that was something....

      BUT FIRSTLY...

      In this first section of the ‘Cornucopia Radio Ebook’ you will…

      All be asked to talk about your hopes, fears and ambitions. We’ll all try a number of trust exercises, and end with a big group hug.

      Discover first hand, what the term “inappropriate touching” means.

      Realise why the ability to self-publish your own book can only ever end in broken dreams.

      Rock Beats All

      WE OPEN WITH SOME STRONG POWERFUL MUSIC AS THREE OBJECTS MEET ON A WINDY HILLTOP TO DECIDE WHO IS THE STRONGEST

      ROCK: So finally, on this day. We gather here, to decide once and for all, who is the strongest, the wisest and best fit for battle.

      SCISSORS: At last the true champion shall be crowned!

      ROCK: You all know me. For I am Rock. I am made of this very earth. My strength is legend.

      SCISSORS: I am Scissors. I’m quick; I’m sharp, and I am Deadly! Nobody can match my blade.

      PAPER: And I am paper, I’m flat! (Awkward Pause) That’s my thing, flatness.

      ROCK: We shall each challenge one another, every battle taking into account our unique skills and weaknesses. Scissors first I will challenge you.

      SCISSORS: And I will accept your challenge. You see how I move around you, like a blur. I thrust; I parry and I cut deep into your skin of stone.

      ROCK: But you barely scratch me. Although many have fallen by your sword, I do not fear you. You have no way to harm me. But I can bring my full force upon you if I so wish. Your steel will bend and break. You will be defeated. So on this day let it be said. Rock beats Scissors!

      SCISSORS: I can see I’ve been beaten by a greater foe. I shall yield and feel no disgrace. Now, I turn and challenge you paper.

      PAPER: Do we actually have to fight to decide this? I was hoping we could

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